This post was prompted by John (jniolon) and can be read here: https://www.ford-trucks.com/forums/1...s-epistle.html

Hopefully you have taken time to read John's post. Some of what I am going to post has been posted here and there in various threads/posts of mine. Not even sure why I'm doing this but I feel like I should. Four years ago..yep 4 whole years....my life was radically changed. In 2009 I was at the height of my career. I have an Architectural degree and taught the Architectural Design program at a local college in Mississippi. After much success and eight straight years of “best in state” architectural awards, I was given the opportunity to move to Birmingham and teach there. Won “best in state” my first year and was off and running. I bought a house there, had a great church and was moving right along. To make a long story short life crashed. When I moved back to Alabama from MS they almost doubled my salary. My financial life went from ok...to great...to nothing. At the time I had two mustangs, a '55 F100 (because we all need to keep an old ford truck around), and my '08 Boulevard. After the melt down I had no home, no income, no savings, and thank goodness I didn't finance anything but the house so the cars/bike stayed with me. Sadly I had to farm all this stuff out to various friends for storage short term. I ended up (now 47 years old) living in a room in a family members home where I am still living right now. I had always been the one that had helped others. Dad lived with me during a rough time in his life and so did my little brother. I thought nothing of it but now that it's the other way around it feels terrible. Don't get me wrong, I very much appreciate having a roof over my head and not living in the street. I have little else than that though. I sold the '55 F100 and tried selling one of the mustangs and my bike. The bike wouldn't sell and it gets 55 mpg anyway so it actually pays for itself in gas (all it cost me is $25/yr tag and $140/yr insurance). I tried selling the extra mustang but it never sold so one day when a guy called wanting to trade for a '49 F1 I made the swap. I came out good on the deal no doubt. Now if worse comes to worse I know I can sell the truck and actually get more than what the mustang was worth.
For the past 4 years I have done everything from selling cars to cutting grass. Also done several businesses graphic design work (business cards, flyers, ads, logo designs). For the past year I have been buying and reselling a few cars (very few...lol) but I am thankful for the little bit of money God has blessed me with. Two reasons I'm saying all this.

One is truck related. Truth be told (and this is why I'm typing) I shouldn't be spending a dime on this truck. Or anything else for that matter. My second reason will tell you why I am doing small projects. Considering that I don't really have a home right now, I do not feel right spending much money. When I do I normally find something I have and sell it then use that money to buy something. Case in point the 5.0L engine and AOD I got not too long ago. I sold a very expensive motorcycle part that I had almost nothing in and paid for those two things. This is why several times I have felt that I may have to sell the truck. Like now, I haven't sold anything in a couple months so no money has come in at all. Everything is very slow right now. Like John said lots of people are “really suffering” right now. I try to tell myself that I'm not really in that group but maybe I am somewhat. I have no health insurance and really need a couple medical related things right now but can't justify spending what little money I do have saved up. I've looked and looked for work. Nothing yet. So when you guys see me with a small project going on the truck or either me planning what to do next I do appreciate ya'll letting me dream a little bit because most of my thoughts are just that...a dream of one day getting back on my feet. Thanks for playing along and helping me out. One day........

My second point....I hope God will give me the chance to help people like me one day. I suffer/battle/fight depression and anxiety. When it's really bad it manifests itself in panic attacks which are devastating. This from a very big guy that isn't afraid of anyone or anything. Plenty of people get “sad” and occasionally “depressed.” This is a different animal. I watched the news the day Rick Warren's son took his life due to these ailments. Pastor Warren made a comment that he had gotten his son the best medical and psychological help he could and it just wasn't enough. Pastor Warren meant well with this comment and those two things are important. I'm writing this as a start to hopefully helping someone (maybe even myself). I would almost bet that most of you know someone like this. As someone who deals with this personally I would like to tell all of you that one of the most important and helpful things you can do is encourage a friend that is dealing with these things. Most people say nothing. Some people say a little. In my case a call from a friend may very well be the thing that keeps me going one more day. And it is day to day. I'm sure Rick's son had friends that meant well. But were they there for him? (as a “group of friends” since no one person can do it all.) I can say that my biggest mind game is seeing no hope in my future. Thank God I'm a Christian and ultimately I know my future. But here on earth is reality right now. The economy is horrible. The general public could care less. Friends and family are all we have. And if we don't have that we really have nothing. I have a very small family and for that matter a very small group of friends locally. To my point of piddling with the truck....depression keeps me from being able to sit around the house. I HAVE to keep busy and small projects is all I know to do while I look for work. If I take even a single day and lay around watching TV it gets me down. And I do faithfully take meds and do all I can to help this condition. I would like to help make it known and accepted that this is an honest medical condition like any other. You can't just snap out of it. “Think happy thoughts.” All those things are so demeaning to us. I had this even when things were great so it's legit as bad as I hate it.
My Christmas wish is this. If you know someone suffering with any of these things please take the time to call them. An email is nice but it's just not the same. Better yet go see them. Thirty minutes of your time may keep that person going for days. Your visit could be worth at least 10 anti depressant pills!!! Life is truly about relationships. One main one and lots of other very important ones friends. I'm going to try my best to seek out people to help as well. Thanks to all of you on here. Even on my phone I can look on the board and not feel so alone. Especially when I read posts like John's. Thanks buddy. My lack of "local" friends is helped by all of you here on FTE. I can't imagine not being here.

If you made it thru all that thanks...if you just read the bottom thanks also...lol. I'm a fighter and will make it!!!!

Wayne

 

Well said and THANK YOU for saying that. Even those of us who have been there need a reminder now and then.
Keep the faith brother for this, too, shall pass. Life is both a gift and a learning opportunity. Keep your mind's eye on what matters.

 

Wayne... you are the man... I can't imagine how hard that 'confession' was to put into words... but you conveyed your feelings well. I'm glad you are a Christian and know what power is there to help you... keep putting one foot in front of the other each day... don't quit... and keep asking the Lord to show you his plan.... he has one for you and maybe it's time is near. I sure hope so...

You're on my prayer list buddy... for peace and strength and comfort... Hope you can enjoy your holidays with your friends and family... they do truly make all the difference in the world to someone who needs them...

later
john

 

Wayne, You and I have never met but I would love to meet you and shake your hand some day because you are a hell of a man and I know that you will continue to fight the good fight until you win the battle.
I understand what you are enduring from an outsiders point of view because I have a dear friend who had battled depression for a number of years and I have made it a point in my life to call and visit him often, if only to borrow some tool that I really don't need or ask his opinion about my project.

God Bless you,
Gary

 

Wayne,
My pastor once said, "If you are going through Hell, don't stop to look around." Keep your head up and stay in the Word.
Your confession takes courage and is important toward helping make it through your struggles. You are among family here. We have your back.

 

Hey Wayne, have you thought about subbing at your local school(s)? We're always looking for subs at my school (especially ones that have a decent mathematical understanding). It doesn't pay much, but around here it would be fairly steady. I hope you continue moving forward. Like the rest of us on our journeys, it's one foot in front of the other and then repeat. Hang in there!

 

Wayne,

We don't know one another, however I feel we have very similar lives. Your confession brings tears to the eyes of a grown man because I have walked in those same shoes. A lot of people don't understand the physical and mental drain and sometimes the physical pain of living with this day in and day out.

You say above "I hope God will give me the chance to help people like me one day" - You're already doing that brother. When your fingers touched the keyboard you were asked to share your story so others may learn, so others would know they are not alone.

You are a stronger person than you were yesterday, never forget that.

Gary

 

Wayne, just like Gary said. With you sitting down and relating this to us is some what like therapy. I myself and I'm sure every one else here wish you well and don't mind being a sounding board. It takes time and you have the talent, I have confidence that you will overcome. Take care man and don't be afraid to come to us if you need to talk.

Earl (mervy49)

 

All my best . When you think you're at the bottom look around you and you will allways find someone in worse shape , talk to your freinds and they will allways lift you up .
Have a Merry Christmas

 

Great write up, Keep hanging in there Wayne!
Truth be told there are many that are in your shoes right now or have been. I too would like to shake your hand and break bread. Depression is possibly how Some of us got hooked on these crazy trucks. Your truck is like an old dog; faithful, forgiving & appreciative of any small thing you do. I got my first truck while going though a divorce to help me "take my mind off my situation".
Faith is crucial and it sounds like you have a solid faith. Friends are also important and even though we frequently never meet you've got us here on FTE.
Keep us posted on your progress and we'll keep you in our thoughts and prayers brother.

 

wayne...
I don't know you either but what you say about yourself is only reflected to many,MANY people out there. how many people do you know that can say "I'm happy, my life is great!".....certainly, they are in the minority. this life is a tuff one and just to get thru it and die quietly in your sleep at a reasonable age and have a few people remember you in a good lite is harder yet. I've tried to be a good person and good friend all my life and my results aren't what I've hoped for. its really true that if you do the same thing over and over again in the same way and expect different or better results then, who's the problem? yes, we make our own hell and I've made mine. as soon as you own it, it starts to lessen its cutting sting. if you have no one to blame, it gets easier.
lots of mixed emotions but you have to fix yourself first. then good people and friends come to you like a magnet.
wayne, don't feel alone cuz you're not, not even close.

if this life was easy...every one would be happy...look around...it makes it tuff to keep your own head up....but you must!

a fellow sufferer and sometimes a very happy guy!
qman:

 

wayne.....qman again.

I forgot to ad how helpful this FTE thing has been. a bunch of great guys and girls that would love to wave their magic wand over guys like us and make us whole. some with humor, some trying to be funny ....BUT all with a good heart

 

Wayne I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post, but I was in San Francisco last night and after 2 hrs of typing, the motel Wi Fi cut me off. I'm home now, so let me try a condensed version. Although everyone is aware of my addiction problems, I've never mentioned my depression issues, as there wasn't a purpose to at that time, however I feel now may be a good time to share a little more. Depression has plagued me all my life, and has taken me to some very dark places, that I felt Id never get out of. Like yourself, I once had a great job, a 4 bedroom house in SF, a wife and child, etc etc. I used drugs to self medicate at the time which is the other story we all know of. The depression caused me to choose suicide as an escape from the hopelessness and pain I just couldn't seem to bare. I figured it would stop my pain, and my family would be better off without my problems to deal with. I COULDNT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG about that. I've learned that families never, ever get over a child's suicide, and blame themselves forever. I tried everything from running a car off the road at high speed, to overdoses, to suicide by cop. Nothing worked, all it accomplished was many 5150 stays in mental health, jail, etc. I finally prayed one morning as I sat homeless with a bottle of vodka I explained to God that I couldn't do it by myself and He wouldn't let me die, so He would have to do something. Well He did, A recovery house was started just for me ( that has since helped thousands ) wich got me clean. Then my wife got arrested and was committed to a Christian recovery house that led us both to the Lord. I could go on and let you know all the road blocks, and also doors in my life that helped me get to where I'm at today. Happily married, living with my wife, 20 years sober and taking care of my 88 year old mother. Yes I still need some medication, and I know what to do when I start feeling down, and of course I have my truck for on going therapy. Were broke but I have found that money is nothing, in the big picture, and that family and faith is everything. My advice to anyone would be that ONLY GOD has access to the big picture, so we don't know what or why we are going thru certain things in our lives. But if I hadn't gone thru what I did, I would not be happy today. I think you mentioned one day at a time, and that is so true. You might look into state access to medical help, or even SSI disability if you are not able to work because of this condition for the time being, I don't know. But I do know there is a way thru this for you, JUST DONT GIVE UP. there are several other folks on FTE with similar problems that Ive talked to, and seen miracles happen. (names to remain private) So Wayne, to close you are very well liked here on FTE, and were all behind you, so please keep putting one foot in front of the other and see what door God opens for you. I hope by my sharing another piece to my puzzle it may help you, It does get better, just do the foot work and let God do the rest.