A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hailstones the size of golf ***** pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.
The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $1000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun and said “Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out.” She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.
She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her friend Toots came over to visit. “What are you doing!” Toots shrieked, thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. “I’m blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all the dents out of my car” explained the first blonde. “Well, silly, it’s not going to work,” replied her friend. “Why not”? asked the first blonde. “Because you’ve got to roll up the windows first.”

 

I've heard that one before lol. Its good.

 

Oh man. I love your avatar.

 

Me too! I showed my wife and see didn't see any humor in it, LOL. I read her your joke Talyn and of course was thinking the worst until she heard the punch line. She like it!!

 

Good stuff all around!

 

OK I got one for ya. A bit of reading but WELL worth it for sure.


> > ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT
> > THIS
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
> > purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their
> > anniversary submitted this:
> >
> >
> > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
> > Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
> > 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something
> > extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> > 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the
> > tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
> > adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
> > to retreat to safety....
> >
> > WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
> > brought it home.
> > I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
> > button.
> > Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
> > pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface
> > at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
> > darting back and forth between the
> > prongs.
> >
> > AWESOME!!!
> >
> > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
> > burn spot is on the face of her
> > microwave.
> >
> > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
> > myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
> > triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my
> > cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
> > little
> > soul)
> > while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
> > really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
> > moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
> > (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She
> > is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
> > thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
> > want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
> > wrong?
> >
> > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
> > reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
> > directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions
> > said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
> > assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
> > spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
> > burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
> > ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
> > seconds would be wasting the batteries.
> >
> > All the while I'm looking at this little device
> > measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
> > circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,
> > bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
> > possible way!'
> > What happened next is almost beyond description, but
> > I'll do my best...
> >
> > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
> > head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it
> > dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a
> > tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
> > decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of
> > it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
> > button, and .
> >
> > HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
> > WHAT THE HELL!!!
> >
> > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
> > door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us
> > both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
> > recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
> > tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
> > ********* nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
> > my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The
> > cat was making
> > meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
> > picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
> > attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
> > over the living room.
> >
> > Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
> > with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as
> > a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let
> > go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
> > violent thrashing about on the floor... A three second burst
> > would be considered conservative.
> >
> > IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
> >
> > A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
> > relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
> > little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
> > bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
> > The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
> > where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
> > nipples
> > were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
> > up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no
> > control over the drooling.
> >
> > Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for
> > sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
> > cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
> > I'm still looking for my family jewels and
> > offering a significant reward for their safe
> > return!
> >
> >
> > P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my
> > experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
> > with it!
> >
> >
> > If you think education is difficult, try being stupid
> > !!!

 

rotflmfao!!!!!! thats awsome!!!!!!!!!111

 

 

Oh my god i peed i little and still cant stop luaghing holy chit. ROFL good one Neal.

 

I removed a comment or two from this thread..... I'm all for you guys having fun, but try to remember the family friendly nature of the forum.

 

Cookie, there are no little kids in this forum. :P
thats the Super Duty forums where they all cry when you are not in their clique and argue with them.

XD

 

Probably not, but that's not relevant. We have a forum specifically for the "PG-13" content. This isn't it.

 

If we're telling stories now, I've got a few. Hopefully this is cleaned up enough to make Scott happy.


We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my ***** trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my ***** on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lopey cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So, here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day, he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or
something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My ***** are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always double check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

 

http://s.wsj.net/public/resources/im...0421142137.jpg Poor guy, a FORD TOO!!

A blonde goes to town and it snows so hard she can barely see. Afterwhile a snowplow comes by and she follows it. About 2 hrs later the snowplow driver gets out and says,"Hey lady why you following me?" She say's, "My Daddy says if I get lost, just follow the snowplow." The driver says, "OK, We're done here at Walmart now, follow us to Kmart."

 

OT_ saw this in traffic