Wednesday Morning Funnies........... Computer Related

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06-19-2002, 01:04 AM

Mil1ion

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Wednesday Morning Funnies........... Computer Related

If Programming Languages Were Chickens

Windows 2000 Chicken
Will cross the road in June.
No, August.
September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like... chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM)
It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken
First it builds the road ...

C Chicken
It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

COM Chicken
IChicken::CrossRoad

Delphi Chicken
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side.
(Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!

ASP Chicken
The Chicken remains by the road side and creates temporary copies of its self when it needs to cross

WIN32 Chicken
class __declspec(dllexport) CrossRoad : public CHICKEN

Cray Chicken
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken
Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do !

Mac Chicken
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Al Gore Chicken
Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken- crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the program.

COBOL Chicken
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE GO TO 0001- CHICKEN-CROSSING

.net Chicken
The Chicken runs around the highway system and can cross any road it likes

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Computer Terms

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

************************************************** ********************

Top 10 things to do with the W keys removed from the White House keyboards

George W. Bush's administration has averted a keyboard catastrophe. Earlier this week, it was reported that many White House keyboards were missing their W keys, presumably removed by a Clinton White House staffer. Fortunately, OfficeMax announced Wednesday that it would donate 500 replacement W keys, ensuring the new administration doesn't go W-less. We can all applaud OfficeMax's patriotism, but somewhere, someone has a secret cache of W keys. What should be done with them? We have a few suggestions:

1 Going once, going twice
Auction the Ws on eBay, where they'll all be snatched up by buyer gbush@hitehouse.gov.

2 I can see clearly now
Create a 3D eye chart, rotating the keys to read W, M, E, and 3. Then, test the vision of the White House security guards who missed the keyboard vandal in the first place.

3 The candy man can
Turn them upside down, cover them in chocolate, and market them as official "Presidential M&Ms."

4 Press V twice
V Vhy don't v ve forget about those Ws anyv vay? V Ve can use tv vo Vs instead, and v vith the money v ve save from not manufacturing them, v ve could give v vhopping tax cuts.

5 Who needs the NEA?
Donate the keys to Sesame Street. The next 500 shows will be sponsored by the letter W.

6 Commemorative keys
The Franklin Mint covers the Ws in gold and offers them for just $19.95 apiece as an official memento of a fractious election. But hurry, this offer won't last!

7 Open door policy?
Use them to replace the "Women" restroom signs that disappeared during the Clinton administration. (Is it true that Bill preferred unisex bathrooms he'd seen on Ally McBeal?)

8 WWW jewelry
String them together in groups of threes and hand them out as consolation prizes to recently unemployed dot-com workers.

9 America's most wanted
Display police artist sketches of the missing keys on the backs of milk cartons, with a $25,000 reward for any tips leading to the arrest and conviction of the perpetrator.

10 Parting gift
Put 'em in a lockbox and send 'em to Al Gore.

************************************************** ********************

Beware of these computer virii...
(apparently some have been around awhile but you may have missed them)

THE AL GORE virus .... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)

THE CLINTON virus .... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE virus (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus ... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus .... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus .... (Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus .... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus ... (Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus ... (Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus ... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus ... (Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus ... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

THE LORENA BOBBIT virus ... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

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