NEWS FLASH
It has been determined by scientist, that the problem with spoiled children is that it's a natural occuring phenomenon of Global Warming.

 

Rocky,
I hope you set her straight and had her re-read the article real close.
Rog
ps
If you did, that's probably your head rollin' around.

 

Yeah thats what happened, she put her husband beater shirt on and and that was the end of that. :-)

 

Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.




St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck

 

That was very funny

 

My wife must have stepped on a duck at some point in her life

 

Thats even better ....

 

Good for me, bad for her

 

I always said its a good thing my daughters took after their mother,lol.

 

Had to share. When you get to the post by 167cooled you may just LYAO

https://www.ford-trucks.com/forums/9...new-truck.html

 

hahaha, some people are just plain funny. But guess the saying is true, you can't fix stupid.

 

Did you guys read that link in post #56, talk about laughing until you cry!

 

Small Business Owner
<HR style="COLOR: #d1d1e1; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #d1d1e1" SIZE=1 itxtvisited="1"><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->A man owned a small farm in Virginia. The Virginia State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. ‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’ demanded the agent.
‘Well,’ replied the farmer, ‘there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.’

‘That's the guy I want to talk to- YES, YES the half-wit, the half-wit’ says the agent.
‘That would be me,’ replied the farmer.

 

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It
takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

These notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
like a schmuck to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing basic kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy Sh**, what the he** is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the panicky look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, Now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting Sh**-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. female is starting to
look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and can
no longer focus my eyes. I wet farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really bums me out that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks! My poor east coast cute butt is burning a hole
in my designer underpants.....

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3-- I Sh** myself (again) when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
**** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?

 

The "Chili Story" has got to be the mother of all stories. Every time I read this thing I end up crying with laughter. What a bitch!

Rog