Tools Explained
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Post Fiend
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 9,010
Likes: 5
From: Johnson City, TN.
Tools Explained
Simply put, see below
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly
painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where
nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time
it takes you to say, "Oh, sh - -!"
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs and doors too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes, used in the
creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touchup jobs into major refinishing
jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion. The more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally, used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: In your shop, used, almost entirely, for lighting
various flammable objects on fire.
Also, handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall inte grity,
occasionally will nip at a finger.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet or plywood into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally, used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt. But, it can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes, used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
impaling your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer, nowadays,
is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying
to hit. Thumbs are it's favorite target.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door.
Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
and whatever is under them, as well as palms, fingers and thumbs, but
only while in use.
SON OF A B*TCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling "Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs.
It is, also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Got any more jokes? Post 'em here.
I thought this was funny and wanted to share with you guys.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly
painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where
nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time
it takes you to say, "Oh, sh - -!"
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs and doors too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes, used in the
creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touchup jobs into major refinishing
jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion. The more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally, used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: In your shop, used, almost entirely, for lighting
various flammable objects on fire.
Also, handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall inte grity,
occasionally will nip at a finger.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet or plywood into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally, used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt. But, it can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes, used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
impaling your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer, nowadays,
is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying
to hit. Thumbs are it's favorite target.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door.
Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
and whatever is under them, as well as palms, fingers and thumbs, but
only while in use.
SON OF A B*TCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling "Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs.
It is, also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Got any more jokes? Post 'em here.
I thought this was funny and wanted to share with you guys.
Senior User
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 106
Likes: 0
From: TN
Anvil: Original use for laying metal on and forming with hand tools. Common use, tripping over after the lights go out, falling on extremities i.e. to go to the hospital for broken foot and or toes, rebounding hammer into forehead or across shop floor, trot line weight, weight to keep people from knowing where your ex son inlaw/ brother in law disappeared to.
