Most of you have probably already read this before, I thought is was fitting, sent to me by my brother, (who knows me pretty well, which is why he sent it to me in the first place) Thought others might enjoy as well.



>>> DRILL PRESS:

>>> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
>>> stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
>>> your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you
>>> had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

>>> WIRE WHEEL:

>>> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
>>> workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
>>> hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,

>>> 'Oh sh --'

>>> SKILL SAW:

>>> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. also can trim
>>> your fingers.

>>> PLIERS:

>>> Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
>>> blood-blisters.

>>> BELT SANDER:
>>>
>>> An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
>>> jobs into major refinishing jobs.

>>> HACKSAW:
>>>
>>> One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.

>>> It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the

>>> more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
>>> becomes.

>>> VISE-GRIPS:

>>> Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
>>> nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
>>> welding heat to the palm of your hand.

>>> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

>>> Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
>>> shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
>>> out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> TABLE SAW:
>>>
>>> A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
>>> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
>>>
>>> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
>>> installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under
>>> the bumper.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> BAND SAW:
>>>
>>> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
>>> good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
>>> trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside

>>> edge.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
>>>
>>> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you
>>> forgot to disconnect.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
>>>
>>> Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
>>> old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
>>> can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
>>> heads.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
>>>
>>> A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
>>> slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> PRY BAR:
>>>
>>> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
>>> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> HOSE CUTTER:
>>>
>>> A tool used to make hoses too short.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> HAMMER:
>>>
>>> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
>>> as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
>>> the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful

for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

 

never seen that before, got a couple a chuckle out of it. thanks for sharing.

 

You forgot one
Safety glasses:
Those things that you rest on top of your head soaking up all your pomade thus making them useless as anything but a paper weight.

 

Hey, I know this one! I've got a whole toolbox full of 'em!

 

Very funny, and sadly true!

 

I've seen all these before, but I still can't keep from crying I'm laughing so hard!

 

This cracks me up!!!