Holiday Blues
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From: Buckeye, AZ
Holiday Blues
I was engaged in a idle moment on the forum recently when I discovered as I went along that I may be having the holiday blues even to a point of stating I liked myself which brought full circle the feeling of dread this time of year that I feel. I would suppose the misguided attempt at what could have been determined a pursuit of true love ended unfortunately with the sad, hurting turmoil that only come from a father who swore that he would make things better in his children’s eyes but failed having only to take a few belongings and began to pay the rest of his life for a dishonorable misdeed unfortunately around the holidays. I have long since paid off the easy stuff such as financial responsibilities but to recapture both the trust and love of my children carelessly cast aside so many years ago is more difficult even at times feeling like putting one of the blocks on the pyramids single handedly would be an easier chore. It does not help either that even though they are doing well as grown ups getting on with their lives that I have left broken rungs in their ladder of life to contend with as well.
I made a promise to a little boy so many years back that I would stand by him and make his world a better place, failure was not an option. This little boy had a hard time in youth born to a mother chained with hate and contempt both for her self and to her offspring along with a father who loved but because of personal entrenched troubles, self doubt, and one broken dream after another was at a loss of what to do. This little boy knew from an early age hunger, sometimes physically as well as of the heart brought on from physical and mental abuse of a mother whom later was discovered to have truly suffered even more in her youth along with a father that was gone some distance to minimal paying jobs for weeks at a time only to be home for a day or two and be gone again. The boy’s family was a product on both sides of entrusted parents of generations ago that suffered of a self indulgent heartless mean nature that could inflict pain without the least concern and others within that lived rightfully in fear of them without recourse.
This boy would endure pain both physically and emotionally but did survive even stopping a cruel encounter he naively partook in at a young age many times at the hands of yet another trusted family member who had shown love and kindness but started to show an interest in his younger sister as well. If he wasn’t strong enough to protect himself he was at least strong enough to protect her. I assume that was about the time I came along and even though I did not know worldly things very well and was young as well I gave this boy an unconditional love that he had never experienced before. The only interest that I had in this boy was to see him survive to grow up and not make the same mistakes he had endured so many times. I assured the boy that there was true unconditional love and happiness still in the world recounting my first Christmas spent with my grandparents. I went with my grandfather into the timber to pick out the right tree on a chilly snow covered winter day and later decorated it at the house along with my grandmother with decorations long since put away. I will never forget Christmas morning the few simple treasures that I opened.
Even though the boy grew to trust me some he was deeply entrenched in mistrust and underlying hatred that would propel him into his adulthood to make at times rash decisions based on little thought. The boy would recount later how hurt he was that he could not show the ones that meant the most to him how much he loved them until long after most were gone. The mother remains and it has been tense but the boy knows her suffering as well and has at this time forgave unfortunately not forgot. I will hope he learns to do this soon as well. He will have to also know that despite my pleadings to course his direction in life, the failure, hurt, and the regret that resulted there are others to think of now. He has a generation now in the world trying even harder to overcome hardship handed down and even a generation starting after them He also discovers that the tracks left behind became his and his alone for his path is too narrow for more than one to walk through despite other caring thoughts, this is a quiet recognition. I shall also understand that the best intentioned drive to push him forward should not be looked onto as failure for the best that could be done with the knowledge at hand will have to suffice and we shall have to except that. Yes, remarkable as it may seem truly I love life and with the advent of a second grandchild along with a third and last child who is a teenager now I will try to continue to fulfill a promise made a long time ago to make things better and possibly improve my self along the way.
<O
</O
A NOTE: This unknowing unintentional spur of the moment “closet cleaning” I promised myself last spring for my 50<SUP>th</SUP> requires no responses or sympathy and hopefully no offence as it was intended as a coming into the light and casting off old. It simply tells of a journey.
<O</O
Our children are our most prized assets as our future world depends on them.
Hopefully a Merry Christmas.
I made a promise to a little boy so many years back that I would stand by him and make his world a better place, failure was not an option. This little boy had a hard time in youth born to a mother chained with hate and contempt both for her self and to her offspring along with a father who loved but because of personal entrenched troubles, self doubt, and one broken dream after another was at a loss of what to do. This little boy knew from an early age hunger, sometimes physically as well as of the heart brought on from physical and mental abuse of a mother whom later was discovered to have truly suffered even more in her youth along with a father that was gone some distance to minimal paying jobs for weeks at a time only to be home for a day or two and be gone again. The boy’s family was a product on both sides of entrusted parents of generations ago that suffered of a self indulgent heartless mean nature that could inflict pain without the least concern and others within that lived rightfully in fear of them without recourse.
This boy would endure pain both physically and emotionally but did survive even stopping a cruel encounter he naively partook in at a young age many times at the hands of yet another trusted family member who had shown love and kindness but started to show an interest in his younger sister as well. If he wasn’t strong enough to protect himself he was at least strong enough to protect her. I assume that was about the time I came along and even though I did not know worldly things very well and was young as well I gave this boy an unconditional love that he had never experienced before. The only interest that I had in this boy was to see him survive to grow up and not make the same mistakes he had endured so many times. I assured the boy that there was true unconditional love and happiness still in the world recounting my first Christmas spent with my grandparents. I went with my grandfather into the timber to pick out the right tree on a chilly snow covered winter day and later decorated it at the house along with my grandmother with decorations long since put away. I will never forget Christmas morning the few simple treasures that I opened.
Even though the boy grew to trust me some he was deeply entrenched in mistrust and underlying hatred that would propel him into his adulthood to make at times rash decisions based on little thought. The boy would recount later how hurt he was that he could not show the ones that meant the most to him how much he loved them until long after most were gone. The mother remains and it has been tense but the boy knows her suffering as well and has at this time forgave unfortunately not forgot. I will hope he learns to do this soon as well. He will have to also know that despite my pleadings to course his direction in life, the failure, hurt, and the regret that resulted there are others to think of now. He has a generation now in the world trying even harder to overcome hardship handed down and even a generation starting after them He also discovers that the tracks left behind became his and his alone for his path is too narrow for more than one to walk through despite other caring thoughts, this is a quiet recognition. I shall also understand that the best intentioned drive to push him forward should not be looked onto as failure for the best that could be done with the knowledge at hand will have to suffice and we shall have to except that. Yes, remarkable as it may seem truly I love life and with the advent of a second grandchild along with a third and last child who is a teenager now I will try to continue to fulfill a promise made a long time ago to make things better and possibly improve my self along the way.
<O
</OA NOTE: This unknowing unintentional spur of the moment “closet cleaning” I promised myself last spring for my 50<SUP>th</SUP> requires no responses or sympathy and hopefully no offence as it was intended as a coming into the light and casting off old. It simply tells of a journey.
<O
</OOur children are our most prized assets as our future world depends on them.
Hopefully a Merry Christmas.
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 7,765
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From: home's where the heart is
Hello, Mr Orin Martin {{{{{hugs}}}}}
no sympathy, no offence........and beautifully written
I just want to say that I, for one, am proud to have met the true you while cleaning your closet~~
THANK YOU for giving me the opportunity of getting to know you.
{{{{{hugs}}}}} to you, Orin Martin~~
no sympathy, no offence........and beautifully written
I just want to say that I, for one, am proud to have met the true you while cleaning your closet~~
THANK YOU for giving me the opportunity of getting to know you.
{{{{{hugs}}}}} to you, Orin Martin~~
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