So I thought I would start a thread to tell stupid stories.. of stupid people... Kind of like Bill Ingvall...

Last night I am in the bank after hours and the security department calls and says "So are you guys still there?" I thought "no we left an hour ago - this is a bank robber" but did'nt say as much.

So whats your story?

 

Lol, that's funny

Here is a good one from my youngest daughter:
We were out on one of our first driving lessons and came to the stoplight at 63rd and hydraulic and making a left onto 63rd. When the light turned green she pulled out into the intersection and the SLAMMED on the brakes, I said "what the **** are you doing?" she said "the light is red", I argued the it was green that's why she pulled into the intersection, she informed me she was not referring to the one we were sitting at but the one for east bound 63rd lol.

 

I can see you saying that then watch your eyes bug out when the cops drive up.

 

Doesn't happen as much any more because I just order fries for the wife and don't ask. We used to go to fast food place and order food. I'd make the mistake and ask do you want fries? She 9 times out of 10 said "No." So, you husbands out there know what happened. She only "wants" a few and eats 2/3rds of mine. Now I don't ask, I just get the second order. I can always throw them away if she doesn't eat them.

 

Nope when the cops pull up I just smile and keep on working... they generally get the hint and ask to see my id... then I get to go back to work. :-)


Duane type out the hawaii/alaska geography lesson.

 

In vaults in banks there is an air valve so if you are locked in a vault you get fresh air. I had a call the other day that they had let all the air out, and need it to be refilled. They were serious.

 

Same with us and popcorn at the movies.

 

A guy I work with, not Chad, was looking at the front of an atm with the bank vice president in the student union, someone had scratched it up, and the customer wanted it replaced. Lets call him Fred for giggles... Fred was on his knees with a screw driver trying to get the front to line up so it would click in (old style atm)
There was an older lady that come by, she looked right at him, and asked if it was broke.
He responded, "Nope, just trying to find another way to get money out of it"
She walked away disgusted..
Moments later cops came in every entry of the Union with pistols drawn.

 

Sat morning (a few years ago) I got a call from a bank at MD's home town, someone had backed in to the front of a convenience store, hooked a chain, or rope around an atm and tried to drag it out of the store. But all they did was leave alot of evidence.. bumper, tag, video.

 

Ok, so we were all sitting down watching TV one night and an ad for an Alaskan cuise came on, my oldest daughter had a somewhat puzzled look on her face and asked why it is so much colder in Alaska than in Hawaii, I told her cuz Alaska is further from the eqator the Hawaii. She still looked puzzled and stated that it wasn't that much farther from the eqator than Hawaii. So after a brief argument she said fine I will show you in my geography book. She popped it open and sure enough, right there on the map next to hawaii in a little box was a map of Alaska and said "see it's not that far away"!!!!
(yes, she was serious!)

Then there is the google maps incedent..
I was showing my wife a satalite image of my parents ranch, the daughter was looking over my shoulder and said "wow, that's cool". She asked if we could see our house and I moved the map to our house and again I see the puzzled look, so I wait for it (I know it's coming) and she says "that's wierd", I asked what is wierd and she said, "well it's dark outside but in the picture they made it look like daylight". I played along and told her the datalite had a really big flask camera on it and that's how they took the pic

 

wait till she goes to school and tells her teacher about the datalite (I assume satellite)




Johnny Carson was walking with Ralph Emory many years ago, they passed a little cat out in a driveway, and Johnny looked to Ralph and said "Oh what a pretty dog"

That always stuck with me, and I used it a few times which got alot of weird looks, and alot of laughs. ( I know not that funny)

A few years ago, I had my oldest daughter with me when we went to see some horses...

I reached through the gate, pet the horse on the top of the head and kept saying "nice kitty, nice kitty"

Pretty soon a big group of people came up to the gate to see the horse, a mother tells her son "Aw.. Look at the Pretty horse"

My daughter looked right at her.... gets a mad look on her face, and says "Thats not a horse, thats a Kitty!!! My daddy told me so!!!"

My wife told me that when Maddie goes to school, she will be going to the principle office daily, because I screwed her up.

 

My Niece once pointed at a horse and said: "Cow! - Woof Woof"...

Hows that for screwed up?

 

I heard this form somone who claimed it was true... but then a year later I found it floating around the internet...
Sitting in church for a funeral the preacher says: "we are made but from lowly dust, and we shall return to but dust" To wich a small child in the back rather loudly asked: Ewww! What's butt dust?

 

GPS's are good, not great technology,
my wife gave me one for christmas, and the first time we used it just to see how it worked, we programmed it from our house and had it take us to the restaurant.
We decided to let it tell us exactly where to go, so we followed it.
As it turns out, the map of manhattan shows that there is a street through our front yard, however there is no street through our front yard. They finally corrected that in the phone book this year.
We started to drive the only two directions out of our neighborhood in order to get out of here up to Tuttle Creek.
Each time we headed down the exit streets, it kept coming up with "Recalculating Route"
Then it would state " When possible make a legal U turn"
So we did....... just to test it out.
We then took the only other route out of the neighborhood, and it told us to drive through our yard. (this might explain why there were tire tracks through our yard this winter).
Once again it gave us the Recalculating route message, then another When possible please make a legal U turn"


Without missing a beat, Maddie sighed... "Awww......Daddy, we can't get there from here"

 

Ya'll need to email Bill Engvall those Here's one here recently i told my wife i used to work in a lil slaughter house in Salem yrs ago and told her how we used to slaughter the cows and pigs that came in. The cows or steers gets a .22 to the brain and the pigs get 600 volts thru a y shaped prong right behind the ears. She didn't realize that's how they get processed for consumption boy did i burst her bubble.