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Did I read that sign right?



TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH
> >>
> >> Two hillbillies walked into a bar.
> >> While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine
> >> operation.
> >> Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to
> >> cough.
> >> After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
> >>
> >> One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"
> >> The woman shakes her head no.
> >>
> >> "Kin ya breathe?"
> >> The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
> >>
> >> The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
> >> yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick
with
> >> his tongue.
> >> The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction
> >> flies out of her mouth.
> >> As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the
> >> bar.
> >>
> >> His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver',
> >> but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!"

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Maybe nobody else here liked them, but I did!

Especially the last one

ford2go

 

Made me laugh

 

Nice!!! Any room for a limerick...


There once was a man from Kildaire...
Who laid a fair maid on the stair.....
On the twenty third stroke...
The banister broke...
So he finished her off in the air!!!

 

Sometimes JOKES are really truths!

 

Like this?
http://humanwrites.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/02/06/familyplanningadvice.jpg

Edit: Ok that's not working...

 

That is soooo bad.

 

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Harvard Law School graduate from an upper class family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Auburn University in Alabama.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The Harvard graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the merchant caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How they wondered could the redneck top that?

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

"Tim and I, a-huntin' went.
Met three lasses in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

 

To those of you with little kids and those who at one time had them
- This is for you

AN OLD MAN WAS GROCERY SHOPPING WITH HIS GRANDSON. THE TODDLER WAS
CRYING AND AT TIMES SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.

AS THE OLD GENTLEMAN WALKED UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PEOPLE COULD
HEAR HIM SPEAKING IN A SOFT VOICE...

"WE ARE ALMOST DONE, ALBERT...
TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT..LIFE WILL GET BETTER, ALBERT..."

AS HE APPROACHED THE CHECKOUT STAND, HE CAREFULLY BRUSHED THE
TODDLER'S TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAID AGAIN,

"TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT...WE WILL BE HOME SOON, ALBERT..."

AS HE WAS PAYING THE CASHIER, THE TODDLER CONTINUED TO CRY AS A
YOUNG WOMAN IN LINE BEHIND HIM SAID,
"SIR, I THINK IT IS WONDERFUL HOW SWEET YOU ARE BEING TO YOUR
LITTLE ALBERT."

THE OLD GENTLEMAN BLINKED HIS EYES A COUPLE OF TIMES BEFORE SAYING,
"MISS, MY GRANDSON'S NAME IS JOHN...I'M
ALBERT.......................................

 

This one is for everyone who ... a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have kids. I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ..

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in
my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed
staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, What happened to my booger?


This is a joke it did not happend to me!!

 

On a trip to Great Britain while he was President of the United States , Bill Clinton had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. During that meeting he asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That's easy," the Queen replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?", asked Bill.

You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me.

Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now."

Sizing up his wife's chances in her presidential bid, and thinking back on that meeting, Bill Clinton spoke to Hillary. He said to her, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was that child ?"

Hillary replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"

"Yes," said Bill, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Hillary called a meeting of her campaign team, from top to bottom, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. She was quite upset, not knowing what she would tell her husband, the former President. As Hillary was leaving her meeting she ran into her most formidable challenger to her presidential nomination, Barack Obama.

So she said, "Mr. Obama, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's seems pretty easy," said Obama, "I think the child would be me."

"Oh thank you," said Hillary. "You may just have ensured my nomination for the democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States !" So Hillary went back to Bill and said, "I think I know the answer to your riddle.

The child was Barack Obama.!"

"No, you Dumb **** !" shouted Bill. "The child was Tony Blair"

The bottom line... guess where we're headed with the two of them again running the Country!

 

A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race
appear? The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and
they had children and so was all mankind made.

Two days later she asks her father the same
question. The father answered: Many years ago there
were monkeys from which the human race was developed.
The confused girl returns to her mother and says:
Mom', how is it possible that you told me that the
human race was created by God and Papa says they were
developed from monkeys.


The mother answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I
told you about the origin of my side of the family
while your father told you about his side.

 

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told." Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter replied, "Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

Come on people read my jokes then you can put your own up.

 

A couple has a dog who snores. . . Really snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's privates and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's privates.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!

The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's jewels.

Amazingly, it also works on him. The woman sleeps soundly.

He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's *********. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, we took first and second place."