Speech????? Hmmmm....let me have a few drinks and I'll say something! WOOHOO!!

 

Thought you didn't drink. lol Ohhhhh MD Code Red.

 

I will drink at holiday activities. I will not drink and drive nor @ club functions, except for when we went to pike creek and some of us bowled. I had a few then...BUT...it was not in the public eye!

 

Where's Georgy? He must be Christmas shopping for the banquet stuff. He's been quiet past 2 days.

 

Way too much information.lol

 

woot woot!

 

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and sa id, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by m y apartment,
it's just around the corner."


After arriving at her a partment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.

 

OH NO!!!!

What an idiot!!

 

Subject: FW: IF SANTA ANSWERED HIS MAIL HONESTLY



Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all Yeer.

yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Bill y,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
--------------------

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody.
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they??
Santa
------------------------

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do??
Love Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his *** constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
--------------------------

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbi e.
Santa
------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
---------------------

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys??
Your friend,
Thomas


Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail wai tresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
----------------

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
---------------------------

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
------------------------

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your *** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,
Santa

 

LOL!!! Another good one!

 

Since this is the official New England Chapter joke thread... ...here goes:

Years ago...before freezers were invented...the ice man delivered big blocks of ice to your house...to put in your ice box and keep things cool.

Mr. Jones, the ice man, delivered a block to Mrs. Smiths' house.

Mrs. Smith answered the door, Mr. Jones brought the block of ice inside and presented Mrs. Smith with the bill. Mr. Jones explained that her bill was long overdue and he wouldn't be able to deliver any more.

Mrs. Smith was understandably upset and asked Mr. Jones to wait a minute. She disappeared into the bedroom and came back wearing a slinky nighty. "Certainly, Mr Jones...there must be something we can work out." Well...since most of us are mature...at least as far as age goes...you know what happened next...Mrs. Smith and Mr. Jones proceeded to do the nasty!!!

Once finished...they wandered out of the bedroom and Mrs. Smith asked Mr. Jones to make an adjustment on the bill. "Of course I will"...Mr Jones said...and proceeded to make a 10 cent adjustment on the bill.

"Why...Mr. Jones...certainly I'm worth more than 10 cents!!!"

Well...Mrs. Smith...I put it in 10 cents at a time...I'm going to take it out 10 cents at a time!!!"

 

I thought... been there done that(before i was married)

 

I know what your talking about there.

 

Brrrrrrrrrrrr...........it's cold!!!

 

What ya doing outside? LOL