This was posted in Club FTE joke thread by Tom(tjctransport) the chapter leader of New Jersey:

The Nursing Home;


One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a
nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty
breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a
lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

 

The Broken Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story:

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

 

Number One - A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Number Two - A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it Tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least Iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Friday

 

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,

(E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo(2-1/2 lbs) of poop.


However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.



Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of poop.


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Thank You for these pearls of wisdom Joe from Altoona.

 

The man from Altoona is on a role.


MAN I'M TIRED!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely
stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, woke the kids, set out their school
clothes,made their breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though.

"YOU GOT PREGNANT LAST NIGHT"

 

Altoona is zinging them in.

Subject: On the lighter side: Being discreet;

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who is going to tell his wife"? They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet and be gentle. Don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet"? he asked. "I'll be the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me."

So, Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares,"Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.

"Tell him to drop dead!" she yells.

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

 

Sent to me from f150roaddawg.

Classified joke;

$10,000 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006

This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service
(Expensive). It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife.

Apparently "Do whatever the ***K you want," doesn't mean what I thought.

Call me, Steve. 800-555-8292

 

From ClubFTE;

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious... Here she's in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault!

Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.

In a barely audible whisper, he says,"Who is this?"

 

I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked me if I had a dog...


(DUHHHH!)


I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time.

BUT, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry

The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said, Oh NO!, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.


I thought the tall guy in back of the line was going to have to be carried out.

 

From my cousin in Delaware;


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

 

Some more from the lady in Delaware;


WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of
a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential
that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?


> CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton ***** and a
ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin
of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much
cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain;

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

 

from f150roaddawg otherwise known in the chapter as EVILSCOTSMAN.

Why we love kids.


1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT ? ! ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.'


2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....' Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?'


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said,
'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
'Yes, it is, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.'


6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room
when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, 'Mommy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your butt?'


7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five,
that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mom.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked.
'Yes ,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'


8 One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


9 A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little e girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'


10. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair,
while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get ***** too."

 

The SCOTSMAN strikes again,

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

 

Hoot man, he's on a roll,


S O M E T I M E S



Sometimes...

when you cry...

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

when you are in pain...

no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes...

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress.



Sometimes...

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile .



-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

But FART!! just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

 

Altoona is weighing in again,


A man boarded an airplane in BWI Airport, with a box of crabs from the
Chesapeake Bay.

A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did.

The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for
the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would
happen if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing, she announced to the entire cabin, 'Would the
gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore, please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them herself!</pre>


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.