i wonder what you all do when you need to get rid of the craving to not be a part of the world. Yeah, i'm in a crap hole, and haven't chk'd out because of my friends here. but for those that have been in this same poop hole, i wonder what kept you tough??????

 

My kids, and how it would affect them if I did something like that. I can absolutely relate to your feeling, was there about 2 years ago with my loss of my daughter, just gotta find some kind of focus that takes your mind away from that, whether friends, projects, work, whatever. As a welder, I had too much time to think with the mask down, and it was tough. A radio for distraction can help, but just try to find something that you can focus your mind on that doesn't really alow you to think about things other than what you are doing.

 

Remember, you impact a lot more people than just yourself. Think about them. Surround yourself with those you love and love you. Buy a piano and take lessons. From your "what are you listening to now" posts, you have great taste in music.

We are here for you.

 

Same here my children and wife.Wasn't for them I would not have gone through chemo,stem cell collection and a bone marrow transplant.

 

Stay on with us here on FTE!

When I had a tough time in 1990, I had to leave my house and go see a friend for a few hours. It helped to get out of the house and away from the 'triggers' of memories and thoughts I couldn't handle at that time.

When I'm down I'll also watch a movie, sometimes Saving Private Ryan which reminds me others had it worse than me, or something funny to help me escape, Airplane or History of the World help me.

Russ

 

I'm not typically a huge advocate for medication, but now's the time where therapy and anti-depressants while you get your feet back under you is in order.

 

Oh man...I was in that place some years ago. Was in the car, in the garage, car running, when I started thinking about my daughters and grand-daughter (who unfortunately died a few months later...another story...). It was like being slapped upside the head. No matter how bad it may seem, you do have friends....Hang in there, man. We're here for ya...

 

I followed your story and pain that you had to endure with your bride. I never responded to your posts as I am not very eloquent. I'm the hard facts engineer so its hard for me to find the right words. I know you are a Christian and appreciated all of the prayers. You had faith for your bride that God knew what was best for her and trusted in Him to give her the love and comfort that you couldn't in her condition. You have had the faith to know that she is in a much better place- no pain, no suffering. So where is your faith today? Do you think that you are not important to Him? We are all Gods children. Sometimes there are lessons to be learned, sometimes those lessons hurt but we are better for them. Sometimes we just wonder why. Sometimes the answer is just in front of us but we can't see it or understand it. I would love to tell you that just give it time and all the pain will go away. All of the hard times dealing with your loss will just magically disappear. All of that would be a lie. It's not going to go away. The pain will be with you until it is your turn to met God in person. The pain will change over time. You will still miss your bride. You'll still think back to the good times and some of the crazy things you did together. But those will be the things you will remember, not the incredible pain and emptiness you have now. Life does get better but sometimes it seems that it takes forever. Have patience, my friend. This may be your lesson and test of faith. Don't give up. Learn to exceed expectations. Find strength in your faith. My loss took me around 15 years to get over. I can assure you the talks I had with God were not friendly. But, I survived and I can honestly say I am a much better person because of it and my faith is as strong as ever. I certainly would'nt voluteer to do it again but I made it. Get involved in something- voluteer work like at a nursing home. Take the old folks for a drive, bring them ballons, organize a card playing contest, take them a dog to play with if you have one. These folks need you and right now, you need to be needed. You'll be a better person for it.

 

I get outside, Somewhere in nature where I can clear my thoughts.....
I also have a freind with the absolute worst luck on earth, If I'm ever having a bad day/week, A call to him usually makes mine look not so bad.....

 

I would suggest like other people have said: try to keep your mind off of what is bothering you. When i am depressed (i use to be very, very depressed about 3yrs ago) i stop my thinking in its tracks, and think about anything, anything to get your mind off of what depresses you. It does take practice, patience, and somewhat dedication. It works much better if you are staying active. If you are sitting at home watching tv then thats a bad spot to be in.
On the christianity thing, (i read like the first few sentances of flashes response) you want to know what stopped my depression dead in its tracks 3yrs ago? My pops gave me a bible verse to read and it was something along the lines of "cast your cares unto the lord" something like that. I can look it up exactly if you want. Anyway, that really did it for me, it was like someone reached deep into my heart and ripped out every ounce of deppression. Ive never told anyone that for various reasons but i hope it helps you out. I can elaborate more if you want.
Anyway, good luck.

 

Never been there before and don't see it happening any time in the near future. Then again I've never had to deal with a situation like you did.

I second what the others have said, keep in mind what kind of impact you have on those around you . . . be they closely related or just casual aquaintances. You never know what chain of events will follow. Also remember that bad is only as bad as we perceive it. If you have a Shriner's burn center or children's cancer center nearby go take a visit. I don't even like kids but when you walk the halls and see kids 5, 6, 7 years old who are fighting with everything they have to stay alive even though they know they'll only get a few more painful years out of life it'll remind you how lucky you really are. Things can ALWAYS be worse and typically they're far better than we imagine them to be.

Or there's always rum.

 

Tough doesn't have anything to do with it. Love does though. Your love for Nan carried you both. Don't forsake that now. Let your continued love for each other lift you up.

Yes, the crap hole stinks but, your great memories will help you rise above the pit of grief and actually help you appreciate that love even more.

You don't have to be tough. You only need to be able to see her and others that care for you...even thru your tears...they are there. We are here.

 

Excellent post Flash, excellent.

Even doing what Flash and the other excellent posts said here Carl, you first have to come to grips with what has happened. I do not totally agree with medications, but again, I am not a doctor. But a grief therapist does come to my mind as being a good thing. ..

You have lost your soulmate, a devastating event. You are going to feel as disoreinted and useless as a gnat in a tornado. Friends , family, the needy, cannot be there with you 24/7. At some point it is going to be just you and your own existence. THAT is when you have to sit down, and let the good memories of you and your wife flood your soul. Do not let these sad and painful times ruin your chances of being with her again. peace and good will to you,

 

Knowing that what/whomever was getting me down would win. Can't have that. Also, success is the best revenge. Maybe that doesn't apply to your case, but something to ponder.

 

Brilliant Kw. Flash, you too. Carl, being tough sometimes means giving in to the pain, allowing yourself to feel it, and allowing yourself to admit that you need help, whether through prayer, talks with a trusted clergy, seeing a therapist, AND possibly taking medications.

You can always find some misguided macho man who'll tell you that any or all of those are "crutches"...but wouldn't you use a crutch, for a while, for a broken leg? Why not for a broken heart?

Years ago, I went through a really rough patch where everything seemed to cave in despite my best efforts. I felt like I was being sucked into a deep dark maelstrom and was powerless to change my thinking and pull myself out.

While I did choose to see a psychologist, I refused anti-depressants, a decision I now believe was a mistake. without going into all the scientific jargon, I now think that I spent too long in "the pit" and it re-wired me, making it easier to fall in again...I've come close a couple times since. I used to be much more resilient. I'm trying to relearn that.

Good counseling may give you the boost you need to come through this (you never quite leave) sooner and more completely.

You've embarked on a long path that starts with clawing your way out of a hole. You CAN do it. Nan wants you to, and is with you. There is no shame in holding out your hand and heart...or taking meds.

You will do it.

Best,

Erik