1. Birds of a feather flock together, then dump on your truck.

2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

4. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

5. A penny saved is a government oversight.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

7. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

8. He who hesitates is probably right.

9. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

10. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS"
together it spells "THEIRS"?

 

Once again alan you almost made me launch soda on my monitor.
T. Roberts
UFD Local 1147

 

> > ETERNAL TRUTHS


1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

8) We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.

9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.

10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?

11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.

12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

30) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

32) Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.


*****************************


Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and,being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs.Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole
week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little
friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied,"Yea, I know who she is." The little friend said, "Well who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said. "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life".
So I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

************************************************** ************

>THE OUTHOUSE POEM
>

>The service station trade was slow
>The owner sat around,
>With sharpened knife and cedar stick
>Piled shavings on the ground.
>
>No modern facilities had they,
>The log across the rill
>Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
>That sat against the hill.
>
>"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
>The owner leaning back,
>Said not a word but whittled on,
>And nodded toward the shack.
>
>With quickened step she entered there
>But only stayed a minute,
>Until she screamed, just like a snake
>Or spider might be in it.
>
>With startled look and beet red face
>She bounded through the door,
>And headed quickly for the car
>Just like three gals before.
>
>She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
>The owner gave a shout,
>As her silk stockings, down at her knees
>Caught on a sassafras sprout.
>
>She tripped and fell - got up, and then
>In obvious disgust,
>Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
>And faded in the dust.
>
>Of course we all desired to know
>What made the gals all do
>The things they did, and then we found
>The whittling owner knew.
>
>A speaking system he'd devised
>To make the thing complete,
>He tied a speaker on the wall
>Beneath the toilet seat.
>
>He'd wait until the gals got set
>And then the devilish tike,
>Would stop his whittling long enough,
>To speak into the mike.
>
>And as she sat, a voice below
>Struck terror, fright and fear,
>"Will you please use the other hole,
>We're painting under here!"


Dennis

F.T.E. Assistant Administrator

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79 250 Ranger Lariat 4wd 400 C6 3.55's 33x12.50 16.5's
78 Bronco Custom 4wd 400 C-6 3.50's 31 10.5 15's
66 Mustang Coupe Sports sprint 200 c-4 cruise o matic 3.00's
99 Grand Prix GT 230 ft/lbs torque out of a non turbo'd 6 cyl hehe:-

 

 

Thank you very much :-) Had a good laugh

 

:-X12



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Wiz

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Good stuff guys