chuck norris sleeps with a night light not becuase he is scared of the dark, but that the dark is scared of chuck norris.

macguyver can build a plane out of paperclips and chewing gum, but chuck norris can kill him and take it.

chuck norris does not sleep, he waits.

recently, chuck norris started selling his urine as a canned energy drink, we now no this as red bull

chuck norris tears cure cancer, to bad he hasn't cried ever

chuck norris invented water

chuck norris can win a game of connect four in three moves

although it is not common knowledge there are actually three sides to the force: the dark side, the ligth side, and the chuck norris

if you can see chuck norris he can see you, if you cant see chuck norris, you may be only seconds away from death

 

BAD new user!! Back to your room! No more Kung Fu Theater for a week!!
(And surrender every single one of your cool points- right now!)

The ones that follow are pretty funny, though.

 

http://cnn.rofflecopter.net/

chuck norris is dead

 

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris shaves with a chainsaw.

Chuck Norris receives mail on Sundays.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the nuts out of little kids.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that what Chuck giveth, Chuck taketh away.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

 

ha, thats funny 2nd_wnd

 

chuck norris doesn't shoot bullets from his gun, he throws them

 

So, uh, can someone explain to me exactly why this is funny?
It's not that I don't get them, I just don't see what very funny about Chuck Norris.

 

chuck norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her

chuck norris had a run in with death and walked away

chuck norris has seen the end of the rainbow there was no pot of gold

chuck norris is one of many cyborg ninja robots from a planet where everyone and everything is named chuck norris

chuck norris is not a mitchum man, chuck norris kills mitchum men

chuck norris was once invited to an old fashon barn raising he round house kicked 29 farmers and ran off with the barn

chuck norris was on a subway when a woman went into labor, she screamed chuck norris save my baby, chuck norris said "no i dont wanna get my hands dirty" she smiled and asked for his autograph

chuck norris was walking the streets when another woman went into labor chuck norris delieverd the baby who was born with a full beard and spoke its first words "chuck norris"

chuck norris owns no vehicles becouse chuck norris can fly

chuck norris once won a bar fight against superman, batman, and spiderman. wonder woman pick up has tap and gave him her phone number, hes not going to call her.

chuck norris was in a bar fight with the duke boys and out ran the general lee on a mountian bike.

chuck norris was busy during the cival war otherwise the south would have won

chuck norris takes no crap from people, people are the craps chuck norris takes

dont get me started i could write a hole book, i thought only people around here knew about the chuck norris joke thing.

 

college professors who hand out finals that arn't gonna change a kids grade often learn some chuck norris jokes!

 

Haha. I thought the Chuck Norris jokes were just big around here in the local 'hardcore music' scene.

 

chuck norris is also a big hero on AR15.com

and... the jokes happen daily at my kick boxing / grappling team practice


some of my favorites-

"Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris"

"Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This isnt implying any nationality, just simply that the man ate an Indian"

"Chuck Norris doesnt like the term hunting. Hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing"

"when the boogey-man goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris"

"-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month."

"Chuck Norris counted to infinity- twice"

"-If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down."

"Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own."





and some i made up...

"Ray Charles wasnt blinded by medical complications. As a young boy, he tried to have a starring competition with Chuck Norris. Chuck is still undefeated. "

"The Gillette Mach 3 razor was NASA's first attempt to shave the beard on Chuck Norris's face. Now you know why there isnt a Gillette Mach 4 razor."


i could go on all night.... but ill stop now unless im further provoked. im going to go practice round-house kicks now.

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyonewithin a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix cube and poop it out solved.

Chuck Norris does't have AIDS, but gives it to people anyways.

Chuck Norris has sex with men, not because he's gay, but because he's ran out of women.

I found some more:

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until the man exploded.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and *beep* on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris

If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris

Wilt Chamberman claims to have slept with 20,000 women in his life. According to Chuck Norris, that is what he calls a "Slow Tuesday".

Chuck Norris CAN belive that it is not butter

Chuck Norris walked into a Burger King and ordered a Big Mac- he got one.

When Chuck Norris was denied a bacon mcmuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck doesn't read books. He just stares them down until he gets the information he needs.

Chuck Norris doesnt play around, he dropped out of school in the 3rd grade because he didnt like the idea of going to recess anymore

Chuck Norris invented time travel and fatherhed himself

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ***, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later they discovered is the cause of Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the *beep* down!

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's *beep*

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won. 99 7.58

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Chuck Norris gave him 6.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever become pregnant. His child? Vin Diesel.

When Chuck Norris jumps in the water, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris

Chuch Norris went out for a drink one day. He sat in an empty lot for a year and a half until they built a bar around him. He had his drink then proceded to burn the place down, claiming you should always leave things as you found them.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

When having sex Chuck Norris turns the ribbed condom inside out so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris once ate his own prostate. Little is known as to why he did this, as most people were rightfully afraid that he'd roundhouse kick them if they asked

Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping

Chuck Norris's blood is used for lethal injection executions

Chuck Norris trains in the nude in the middle of Time Square during the day, no tv station dares to report it.

Chuck Norris only takes one deep breath in the morning when he wakes up,its enough to sustain him for a whole day.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Chuck Norris has been there. Than it is probably coverd in blood and tears.

When a waitor asks Chuck Norris how he likes his steak he will sometimes kill the waitor and eat 'him' raw instead. But he usually just asks for extra rare.

Chuck Norris was crossing the street and was Hit by an 18 wheeler. The Driver died on impact and the majority of the truck has never been found. It is belived that pieces flew as far as 100,000 miles away. Chuck Norris recieved a small cut on his cheek which his beard magically cured within the hour.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the blackness out of Michael Jackson. The obsession with young boys came later, as a side effect.

Chuck Norris once wanted to see what he would look like without a beard. He then split himself into two Chucks. He shaved the new Chuck Norris and called it Vin Diesel.

Chuck Norris could have been a lumberjack but he was too manly.

There is a secret plot to clone the greatest Hollywood action movie stars in order to create an unbeatable army. The people behind this plot only need very small samples of DNA to work with. This is why so many action stars have very short haircuts, and some even go to the extent of shaving their heads to prevent the evil fiends from getting such a sample. Chuck Norris is the only one with the ***** not only to grow his hair long, but also to cultivate facial hair. When he's feeling particularly cocky, he sends his toenail clippings to the evil syndicate's headquarters with a note: "Just try it, bitches, and I'll kick your asses into next Thursday."

When Chuck Norris found out that he was not included in Mt.Rushmore, he wanted to leave his mark somewhere. He then karate chopped the ground and created the Grand Canyon

Actually, I found a lot more.

Trevor

 

i should mention... we need to keep these "clean" for all to enjoy

 

These jokes are KILLING ME!!!! LMAO keep them coming this stuffs great!

 

Chuck Norris was sick only once. We know this era as "The Cold War"

Chuck Norris and Mr. T high-fived one time, we now call this "The big-bang theory"