I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

 

very good...I like the proton one. I can't believe I didn't come up with that one years ago in chemistry.

The money one is good too. "Oh Lord, won'tcha buy me a Mercedes Benz..."

 

These jalepeno flavored kettle cooked potato chips are good...now my space bar has grease and crumbs on it

 

Believe it or not, after I complained that I planted a whole bag of bird seed and not a single bird came up, they started calling it "wild bird food" .

I taught high school math for a few years and when I told the students that "I always done real good in English", no one ever laughed. I didn't know if they didn't think it was funny, or if they just didn't get it.

Nice to know I'm not the only one with a corny sense of humor. Brady

 

I think Deep Thoughs by Jack Handy would fit perfectly in this thread.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

 

The can said evaporated milk,but when I opened it,the milk was still there!And if you churn evaporated milk,do you get evaporated butter?

 

Einstein's calculation: As an object approaches the speed of light, mass becomes infinite.




Q. Does this mean that obese folks are moving a little faster than given credit for?

 

Why is there braile on a drive thru ATM machine???

Why is it that when something is sent by car its a shipment, but when its sent by boat its cargo???

If nothing sticks to teflon, how do they get the teflon to stick to the pan???

Where do chicken fingers come from??? And what does a chicken need fingers for anyway???

Some men see the glass as half empty, some see it as half full. I see it as halfway to another drink.

Why when you drop a wrench under a car does it fall directly to the middle???

If vegeterians eat vegetables, what do humanists eat???

Isn't it ironic that the world's largest people trap is controlled by a mouse???

Are IV's in Rome called 4's???

Trevor

 

I would like to withdraw my previous random thought about the jalepeno flavored potato chips.........this is being posted the morning after. You do the math.

 

After reading the above posts, I randomly thought...Wezol, you're one sick puppy! (Think I'll take my nephews to Disneyland next week! Anyone in So Cal know of any burned-out warehouses?) -TD

 

edit: the humanist from my previous post should be humanitarian

Trevor

 

If a car could travel at the speed of light... would you still need headlights?

If you remain calm while everything around you is complete chaos... then you probably haven't fully understood the situation.

 

I know some are probably repeats, but oh well:
# Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
# One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
# Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
# If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
# The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
# I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
# What if there were no hypothetical questions?
# If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
# If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
# Is there another word for synonym?
# Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
# What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
# If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
# Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
# Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
# If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
# Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
# If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
# Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
# How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
# What was the best thing before sliced bread?
# One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
# Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
# Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
# How is it possible to have a civil war?
# If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
# If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
# If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
# Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
# Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
# Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
# Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
# If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
# Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?



In light of the news of the so called human cloning going on, we have to ask ourselves the hypothetical question.

If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

A) murder?

B) suicide? or

C) merely making an obscene clone fall?