The Stella Awards

Most of the country has heard of the Darwin Awards given annually to the
individuals who do the most for mankind by removing themselves from the
gene pool. Now, we have the Stella Awards given to the individuals who win
the most frivolous lawsuits ever. The Stella Awards are named in honor of
81 year-old Stella Liebeck, the woman who won $2.9 million for spilling a
cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.

The following are candidates for the award:


1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded
$780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler
who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving
little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and
medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

3. October, 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house
he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get
the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded
$14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard
at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was
less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by
Mr.Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun.

5. December 1997: Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson
of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boy-friend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, DE., successfully sued the
owner of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and
knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying
to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50
cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

 

And the winner is.......................


Mr Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City.
In November 2000 Mr Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot
Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined
the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly
left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself
a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the
freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago
for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually
do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago
actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court
case, just in case there are any other complete morons
buying their vehicles.)

 

That is totally ridiculous. That someone could get damages for any of the above is utterly unbelievable. Must I now go around looking for things that I can provoke, just to get the few hundred thousand dollars that I need to build churches and safe houses with.


Wm
'96 F450 White with Grey interior Crew Cab. Banks Turbo, Intercooler and Exhaust,
Power pack Chip, shift kit, Auxiliary transmission, electronic enhanced transmission control,
16 forward and 4 reverse ratios. 340hp 660ft lb 4 wheel drive, 4.10 gears, 12,ooo# winch