Things You Should Have Learned By The Time You Reach Middle Age:
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> 1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
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> 2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
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> 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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> 4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
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> 5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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> 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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> 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
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> 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
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> 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
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> 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
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> 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
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> 12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
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> 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
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> 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
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> 15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
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> 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
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> 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
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> 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
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> 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
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> 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
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> 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
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> 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
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> 23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
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> 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
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> 25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

 

This is very wise.

 

Too bad I can neither take credit or credit the author.