This is prolly a 1 page thread at most
03-20-2015, 08:37 AM
03-20-2015, 09:37 AM
Hotshot
The his and hers painting project sounds like a Cialis commercial in the making.
It starts off innocently enough - both partners painting their walls. One reaches down to refill their brush and accidentally brushes against the partner with the freshly filled brush. Suddenly, a paint fight breaks out and turns into "one of those moments" where the workbench gets painted, but the walls do not. Glad you take Cialis? Remember, if it takes more than 4 hours to paint a room, see your doctor for immediate medical attention.
Have fun Tim!
It starts off innocently enough - both partners painting their walls. One reaches down to refill their brush and accidentally brushes against the partner with the freshly filled brush. Suddenly, a paint fight breaks out and turns into "one of those moments" where the workbench gets painted, but the walls do not. Glad you take Cialis? Remember, if it takes more than 4 hours to paint a room, see your doctor for immediate medical attention.
Have fun Tim!
03-20-2015, 10:12 AM
Lead Driver
More news from the whitehouse....
Obama to unveil fracking rules - Elana Schor - POLITICO
They say to expect blowback... Ughh.... The puns... the puns... My ears...
Obama to unveil fracking rules - Elana Schor - POLITICO
They say to expect blowback... Ughh.... The puns... the puns... My ears...
The old vicious cycle is at work....bondage leads to strength, strength leads to freedom, freedom leads to prosperity, prosperity leads to apathy, apathy leads to weakness, weakness leads to bondage........where are we, as a society, in this cycle? I am beginning to think that this once great country will go down with no more than a whimper! There was a theologian, the late Dr. Francis Sheafer, that did a work and wrote a book"How shall we then live" ....boring as hell, but would do all Americans good to read and understand where we are today as a culture. It is a history lesson as to how culture and religion have interacted upon each other and influenced each other since the time of Christ! He called our modern era the age of personal peace and affluence and how we, as long as our personal peace was not disturbed, would tolerate anything.....I think we are there!
Other than all that....Good morning all ye merry truckers!
03-20-2015, 10:24 AM
Lead Driver
03-20-2015, 10:36 AM
Lead Driver
03-20-2015, 01:03 PM
Hotshot
More funnies:
Irish Wedding
At the wedding reception someone yelled.
“Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
AN IRISH STORY FOR LENT
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers.”
‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”
The bartender and soon the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all”
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well It’s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”
MURPHY THE PAINTER
A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned.
“T’would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said “The wife says it’s okay. I’ll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.”
The Stranded Irishman
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over ten years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”
“Ten years” replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.” Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there, removed a flask, and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. “‘Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. “‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too?!?”
MURPHY, THE FURNITURE DEALER
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
Irish Wedding
At the wedding reception someone yelled.
“Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
AN IRISH STORY FOR LENT
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers.”
‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”
The bartender and soon the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all”
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well It’s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”
MURPHY THE PAINTER
A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned.
“T’would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said “The wife says it’s okay. I’ll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.”
The Stranded Irishman
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over ten years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”
“Ten years” replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.” Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there, removed a flask, and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. “‘Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. “‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too?!?”
MURPHY, THE FURNITURE DEALER
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
03-20-2015, 01:13 PM
Lead Driver
03-20-2015, 01:15 PM
03-20-2015, 01:19 PM
Hotshot