Joke time. It dead here
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Post Fiend
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 15,505
Likes: 18
From: Livoina,La
Joke time. It dead here
Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Minnesota.
Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Thread Starter
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Post Fiend
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 15,505
Likes: 18
From: Livoina,La
The priest in a small Irish village loved the **** and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the **** went missing! The priest knew that **** fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a ****?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a ****?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a **** that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY ****?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a ****?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a ****?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a **** that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY ****?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Senior User
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 432
Likes: 0
From: Willow Grove, PA
A mail man is getting ready to retire after a long career and tells his customers that Friday will be his last day. Friday comes and his customers give him cards, notes, and gifts. One of his customers, an young attractive blonde, offers the mail man lunch in her home. The mail man takes her up on her offer.
After lunch he gets up to leave, but the woman stops him and offers to take him upstairs to make love. Again he takes her up on her offer.
After making love three times the mail man is exhausted and gets up to leave, but again the woman stops him and hands him a dollar.
The mail man is now confused. "I understand the lunch, I appreciate the sex, but the dollar?"
The woman replies, "The lunch was my idea, but the sex and dollar was my husband's."
"Could you explain?" he asks.
"Sure, I wanted to make you a nice lunch, but when I told my husband of my idea he said 'Screw him & give him a dollar like everyone else does!'. So that is why you got lunch, sex, and a dollar."
Hope I don't get flagged for this one. It's a regular joke @ my PO
After lunch he gets up to leave, but the woman stops him and offers to take him upstairs to make love. Again he takes her up on her offer.
After making love three times the mail man is exhausted and gets up to leave, but again the woman stops him and hands him a dollar.
The mail man is now confused. "I understand the lunch, I appreciate the sex, but the dollar?"
The woman replies, "The lunch was my idea, but the sex and dollar was my husband's."
"Could you explain?" he asks.
"Sure, I wanted to make you a nice lunch, but when I told my husband of my idea he said 'Screw him & give him a dollar like everyone else does!'. So that is why you got lunch, sex, and a dollar."
Hope I don't get flagged for this one. It's a regular joke @ my PO
Thread Starter
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Post Fiend
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 15,505
Likes: 18
From: Livoina,La
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Hotshot
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 11,132
Likes: 3
From: Southern West Virginia
A deputy sherriff pulls over a speeding car. He carefully approaches the vehicle and asked the man for his license, registration, and insurance. The man begins to explain to the deputy that he doesn't have a license because he just got out of prison, and the car was stolen. The deputy immediately drew his gun and asked the man if there were any weapons in the car. The man replied "Yes, there is a loaded gun in the glove box." The deputy tells the man to put his hands on the steering wheel and do not move, and held him at gunpoint as he called for back up.
Several more deputies and the sheriff himself show up on the scene. The sheriff removes the man from the car, puts him in his cruiser and begins to question him. "What prison were you in?" The man replied, "I've never been in prison a day in my life!" The sheriff says, " My deputy says you just got out of prison, you have no license, and your driving a stolen car!" The man hands the sheriff his license and registration and says, " Here is my license and registration, I bought that car new!" The sheriff says, " Well what about the loaded gun, My deputy said you had a loaded gun in the car." The man replied "Thats crazy! I've never laid hands on a gun in my life! I bet he told you I was speeding too!
Several more deputies and the sheriff himself show up on the scene. The sheriff removes the man from the car, puts him in his cruiser and begins to question him. "What prison were you in?" The man replied, "I've never been in prison a day in my life!" The sheriff says, " My deputy says you just got out of prison, you have no license, and your driving a stolen car!" The man hands the sheriff his license and registration and says, " Here is my license and registration, I bought that car new!" The sheriff says, " Well what about the loaded gun, My deputy said you had a loaded gun in the car." The man replied "Thats crazy! I've never laid hands on a gun in my life! I bet he told you I was speeding too!
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Senior User
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 475
Likes: 0
From: Pugetopolis
So many....
---
A man walks in to the psychiatrist office wrapped in Saran wrap. The psychiatrists says, "I can clearly see your nuts."
---
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg. But the surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Aye," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off. But the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I be feeling great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes." "Arrh," says the pirate, "One day when I was swabbing me deck, some gulls were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them--arrgh, he, pooped--in me eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!"
"Arrh...'twas me first day with me hook.”
---
Bonus round -
---
Last night I arranged for a threesome.
There were a couple no-shows, but I still had a good time.
---
---
A man walks in to the psychiatrist office wrapped in Saran wrap. The psychiatrists says, "I can clearly see your nuts."
---
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg. But the surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Aye," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off. But the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I be feeling great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes." "Arrh," says the pirate, "One day when I was swabbing me deck, some gulls were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them--arrgh, he, pooped--in me eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!"
"Arrh...'twas me first day with me hook.”
---
Bonus round -
---
Last night I arranged for a threesome.
There were a couple no-shows, but I still had a good time.
---
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Thread Starter
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Post Fiend
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 15,505
Likes: 18
From: Livoina,La
*****A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone.
***** "Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator.
***** "Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies.
***** "Okay, where do you live?"
***** "In a house you silly billy!" the blonde replies.
***** "No,no! How do we get there?" the operator asks fustratedly.
***** "Duh! Big Red Truck!!"
*****
***** "Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator.
***** "Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies.
***** "Okay, where do you live?"
***** "In a house you silly billy!" the blonde replies.
***** "No,no! How do we get there?" the operator asks fustratedly.
***** "Duh! Big Red Truck!!"
*****
Post Fiend
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 10,121
Likes: 3
From: Orrville, Ohio
How about a nice heartwarming story to go with all this humor (hehehehe)...
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ... On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments... Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant...
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ... On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments... Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant...
Posting Guru
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,305
Likes: 0
From: Wisconsin
this is one of my favorites.
The Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter:
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into
Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at
Them all the way through the entrance. She's dressed in dirty
Jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops
Exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids,
She exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no
They ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one,
she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins?
Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone
Had sex with you twice.
mitch
The Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter:
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into
Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at
Them all the way through the entrance. She's dressed in dirty
Jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops
Exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids,
She exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no
They ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one,
she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins?
Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone
Had sex with you twice.
mitch
Posting Guru
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,795
Likes: 1
From: Lubbock, Texas
What is the hardest part about driving a Prius?
Telling your parents you're gay
What do you call a cow that just birthed a calf?
Decaffeinated
What do you call a cow having a seizure?
Beef jerky
What do you call a cow w/no legs?
Ground Beef
Telling your parents you're gay
What do you call a cow that just birthed a calf?
Decaffeinated
What do you call a cow having a seizure?
Beef jerky
What do you call a cow w/no legs?
Ground Beef
Hotshot
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 11,132
Likes: 3
From: Southern West Virginia
A woman was walking down the street carying a duck under her arm. As she passed by an old drunk he says "Nice pig ya got there." The woman said "It's not a pig stupid, it's a duck!" The drunk said "I was talking to the duck !"
FTE Chapter Leader
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 21,330
Likes: 8,055
From: North Central Washington
An 80 year old man is out fishing in his boat and hears a voice "pick me up" he looks around and there is a frog. The frog says "pick me up and kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful young lady just for you" The old guys picks up the frog and drops it in his pocket, the frog says "Hey whats up? Kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful young lady just for you" the old guy says "at my age I would rather have a talking frog"