I'd love to contribute to this thread, but I'm busier than a one-armed wallpaper hanger...

A few pearls from the Ottawa Valley -

I'm so hungry, I could eat the a---hole out of a skunk.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.

Later,

 

Another plumbers oldie. "Your sh** is my bread and butter"!

 

Some people cant think of nothing to say, BUT that don't stop them

As confused as an Amish electrician

Stinks to high heaven

Crooked as a politician

Straight as an arrow

Fits like socks on a rooster

In upholstery: Has more wrinkles than a sharpe puppy

In body shops: sides look like a washboard

like fingernails on a blackboard

Slow as molasses in the winter time

Dark Thirty

Can't sneak daylight past a rooster

 

I've forgot more than you'll ever know!!
Keep On Truckin'
Hey Dude!
A little hard work never hurt no-one!
Try,Try, and Try again!
Dumber than a stump!
Children should be seen, and not heard!!
Get down on it!
2 heads are better than 1

 

One from my work place:
I work for a contractor that was the lowest bidder, on a helicopter designed and manufactured by a lowest bidder, using tools supplied by a lowest bidder, installing parts supplied by a lowest bidder....and you want perfection?

 

You can't make a race horse out of a pig, but you can make a fast pig.

John

 

Instead " a face only a mother could love" , there is " a face that could stop a clock".

"you can lead a horse to water , but you can't make him drink. ( unless you suck on his a**)

Don't put off today what you can do next year.

Moving at the speed of frozen molassis. For the old guys in the cold. (my old signature)

 

This knife is as "sharp as an inner-tube"

"If it was a Snake it would have bit you" (finding a lost item)

"Tighter than a Gnat's A$$ stretched across a Box-Car" (I have no idea....)

"Musta been a lie" (when somebody tells you they forgot what they were gonna say)

"Shared Sorrow is Half-Sorrow - Shared Joy is Double-Joy"

"I feel like a bag of beat d**ks" (R.I.P. Chris - Diabetes 10/07)

 

"even a stopped clock is right twice a day"
"it's hard to make something foolproof because fools are so creative"
" when it's all said and done, more is said than done"
" if i don't see you later, i'll see you later"

dick r.

 

You can drive a horse to drink but you can't make him water

She's so ugly she has to sneek up on a pail of water to get a drink

a friends saying about one of our engineers at work; he couldn't plan a two man rush to a three hole *****ter

 

bosses are like dipers all over your a#$ and full of s#@t

 

Old Farmer's Wisdom....

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging!

Don't corner anything that is bigger or meaner than you.

 

"Borrowing Tools is for the Weak"

 

My dad was a proponent of the concept that "It's not what you say, it's how you say it."

But his way of expressing it was, "If you say it just right, you can tell a guy to go **** in his hat and he'll say thank you."

I always liked that one.

Another favorite (in the real estate business) is when someone puts a new facade on an old crappy building we say "it's like putting lipstick on a pig". (it's still a pig!)

 

"i'm so T-U-R-D Tired, I could F-A-R-T Faint"

"Tighter then a bulls *** at fly time"