( sign on a service truck )

" Nothing runs like a Deere........especially if it's got a Cat on it's a** "

( lettered on a tractor bunk )

" I've got a Cattitude "

 

"It ain't da seafood dat makes ya fat anyway -- it's da batta!"

 

Never bet money you don't have, on a dog race, with an x-girlfriend, who happens to be a stripper........

 

If your up to your nose in shxt, Don't open your mouth!

 

"Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid"

 

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

 

Sorry they're so long. Funny though...

Great Bumper Stickers

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Schit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little
Better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek
Counseling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My ***.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The ***, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside
Down On A Jeep]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For
70mph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look
Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
44. Ask Me About Ebonics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is
lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With
Bullets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

 

Ben there done that.
Your flys open.
Stop trying to be like me .
And my favorite I'm a friend of Bill W.

 

sweeter than 10lbs of sugar in 5lb bag

sexier than a rooster with socks on

finer than frog hair

excuses dont explain,explanations dont excuse.

 

Tighter than toby's touch hole
drier than a popcorn fart

 

Its Nice To Be Important, But It's More Important To Be Nice.

 

Take therefore no thought for the morrow....Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.