A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender,"How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"

A Proton walks in after that. The neutron asks the proton if he wants a beer. The Proton says no, so the electron says, "Are you sure?" The proton then say, "No, I'm positive."



2 female ostriches are standing at the bottom of a hill when all of a sudden, 2 male ostriches approach. Upon seeing this, the 2 female ostriches run up the hill to the top. The male ostriches follow in hot pursuit. When the females reach the top, they put their heads in the sand. When the 2 male ostriches reached the top, they said, "Hey! Where'd they go?"



And another...

A father asks his son..."Hey, watcha eating under there?"
Son says, "Under wear?"
Father says, "You're eating underwear?"

 

On the morning of this couple's 20'th wedding anniversary, the wife rolled over and was surprised to find her husband's side of the bed empty. She got up and looked around and he wasn't in the bedroom. She walked down the stairs, and found her husband looking at their wedding photograph, and crying.

"Ooooh, how wonderful," she said, "I was afraid you might forget what day this is... "

He looked up at her with tears in his eyes and said, "How could I forget what day this is??? Don't you remember... 20 years ago... when your daddy the sheriff came home early... and caught us upstairs in your bedroom???"

The wife smiled. "Yeeeaaaahhhh, I remember.... heheh... "

"And your daddy grabbed me outta that bed and said, BOY! If you don't do the right thang and marry mah daughter, I'm gonna lock yew up fer twenty years!!'"

The wife smiled again... "Yes of course I remember... but why are you crying about that??"

"BECAUSE," the husband said, "TODAY I'd have been FREE!"

 

A rabbit is hopping down the trail one day, and he's shouting "I'm a pig! I'm a pig!" a squirrel watching from the trees can't help but intervene and approaches the rabbit. The rabbit shouts to the squirrel "I'm a pig, I'm a pig!". The squirrel replies "Just look at yourself. You have big floppy ears, a cute little nose and a big cottonball tail. You're no pig, you're a rabbit." The rabbit immediately grabbed the squirrel and had his way with the squirrel right there in the middle of the trail. The rabbit cast the squirrel aside when finished and loudly proclaimed-"I'm a pig, I'm a pig!"

(If you don't get it you're not a pig)

A guy goes to the doctor with terrible headaches and recieves the bad news. The doctor tells him that the headaches are due to the man's overly developed ********* exerting a strain on the base of the man's spinal cord. The only remedy was to remove the source of the strain. Faced with eternal misery or a chance to relieve the headaches, the man opted for the surgery. Two weeks after a succesful surgery the man felt great. He was so happy that he decided to buy an antire new wardrobe and start a new life. He walked into the tailor's shop and told the tailor he wanted a new wardrobe. The tailor said " Great, lets see- you're about a 17" neck, 46 chest and a 36 waist, right?" the guy says "Man, you're good, but I wear a 32" waist. I have since high school." The tailor replies " Sir, a 32 is much too small. It will exert pressure on your spine and give you a terrible headache."

 

do you know the difference between beer nuts & deer nuts

beer nuts $1.49

deer nuts are just under a buck

 

Anyone remeber these one liners?

So I said to my wife with the wooden leg ....... Peg?

So I said to my wife in the morning .... Dawn?

So I said to my wife with the antleers .... Dear?

So I said to my wife with only one leg ... Ileen?

So I said to my wife the attorney ... Sue?

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks up at the other and says, "does this taste funny to you?"

 

the dirtyist joke I know

3 white horses fell in the mud

hey it says corney jokes

a little boy dressed up as a cowboy with a pair of 6 shooters on his side, walks into a icecream parlor, twirles his 6 shooters out say give me a hot fudge sunday, & twirles them back, waitress asks you want whipped cream, he twirles them out yup,twirles them back, she says you want a cherry, twirles them out ,yup, 7 twirles them back she says you want chopped nuts, twirlles them out & says you chop my nut I'll shoot your *****.

 

Hear about the blonde came home from work one afternoon, discovered her house had been burglarized?

She called 911. They dispatched the nearest car which happened to be a K-9 cop. He pulled up in front of her house, got his dog out, went up and rang the doorbell.

The blonde answered the door, saw the cop standing there, and busted out crying. He asked her what was wrong?

She said it's not bad enough that I come home and find I've been burglarized, and what do they do? They send me a blind cop to investigate.

 

Anyone heard the joke about the fence?

It's hard to get over


so.....
This blond is cooking dinner and catches the kitchen on fire...
She calls 911 all in a huff and says "My kitchens on fire, My kitchens on fire, My kitchens on fire" the operator on the phone tells the blond to calm down (and she does)
Operator: How to do we get to your house?
blond: duuuuuh!? Big red truck

ba dump bump

 

I got one kinda close
Two cannibals are eating a man, they each start at opposite ends. After awhile of eating the one at the head says "how ya doing down there?" the other one says "just havin' a ball" the one at the head says "SLOW DOWN YOU'RE EATING TOO FAST!"

 

Not too corny, but a classic:

This blonde goes for a drive out in the country. Off the middle of a dry field she sees someone in a canoe, rowing to beat all.
She thinks to herself, "What is that idiot doing?" So she drives closer to find it's another blonde out in this canoe.
At this point she is fuming mad. She hops out of her truck and yells to the blonde in the canoe, "Hey! Ya you! It's stupid blondes like you that give us blondes a bad name, and if I could swim, I'd swim out there and kick your butt!"

Makes me giggle every time.

 

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
__________________________________________________ _______________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
__________________________________________________ _______________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
__________________________________________________ ______

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
__________________________________________________ ______

New Sex Study...

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.
__________________________________________________ ____
__________________________________________________ ____

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
__________________________________________________ _______

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
__________________________________________________ _____

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "***hole!" afterwards.

Tom

 

These aren't so corny, but I'm gonna post 'em anyway...

On Gay Marriage...
Every president has been against same-sex marriage. Even Bill Clinton was against it. No, wait... actually, he was against having sex with the same person you’re married to.

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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said... "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

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A guy goes to the doctor and says,Doc I am afraid I am going to end up in divorce court.You see no matter what I do I just can`t seem to excite my wife anymore,no matter what I do our nightlife is just terrible.I love her and dont want to lose her,Isn`t there something you can do to help get her in the mood?The doc replies,I think I can help you,and hands him a bottle of pills saying,just slip one into her drink at dinner and things should work out fine.Well the guy goes home and at dinner time grabs the bottle while she is out of the room and slips one into her drink and then thinks,Hmmm Whats good for the goose is good for the gander right?So he pops one into his drink.Well about an hour after dinner,they are sitting on the sofa watching tv and she looks over at him and seductivly says "I need a man".He looks back at her and says "yeah I know,Me Too"

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So an atheist is wandering through the woods, when he sees a bear, and starts to run. The bear chases him, and every time the atheist looks back, the bear is close and closer, until the bear finally knocks him down. The atheist cries out, “God, please help me!” Suddenly, time freezes, and God says, “All your life you have doubted my glory and power, and claimed that all I created came from billions of years of evolution, and now you want my help?” The atheist said, “Yes, please help me! Make this bear a Christian!” So God said, “Okay, so be it.” Suddenly, time starts again. The atheist looks up at the bear, and the bear kneels and bows his head, and says, “Lord, bless this food which I am about to eat. Amen.”

........... Okay, that's all for now, before I get carried away...

 

Repeat this phrase out loud while at work


we Todd did!
I am sofa king! we Todd did!

remember to kep repeating so others can hear you.

 

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
-Roberto!

How do you drownd a blonde?
-Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
-Row, Row, Row Your Boat.


A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "we don't serve strings here." So, the string tries again, and gets the same answer. Finally, he goes outside, ties himself is a big bow and comes back in. The bartender says, "are you a string?" And the string says, "Frayed knot."

Why did the blonde co-ed do a Mexican?
Her prof told her to do an essay.

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, let her stay in the dark.

A blonde, brunette and redhead go camping. Each one sets out to find food. The brunette follows one set of tracks and finds a rabbit. The redhead followed one set and found a deer. The blonde followed another set and got hit by a train.

Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.

Why are lawyers buried 10ft deep?
Because deep down their good people.

A blond, who had got sick of all the blond jokes dyed her hair brown. One day she was driving through the countryside, when she came across a farmer herding his sheep across the road. She says to him "If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep one." The farmer agrees, thinking she'll never guess right. Sure enough, she gets it right, and he keeps his end of the deal. Just before she leaves he says to her, "Ma'am, if I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"


Last one.....
A man walks into a bar.......ouch!

Hope ya'll like these.

Trevor

www.cardomain.com/id/toddrow - check it out!