The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'guys.' I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit wasted, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'... she didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh *****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, laughed, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

 

One day an at home Lil Johnny's wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Lil Johnny at home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says,
"You know, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen.
I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
She thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks!
She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds.
He promptly thanks her and puts a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and guy then says,
"That was so amazing I've got to see both of them.
I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
She is amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and why not?
So, she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Lil Johnny arrives back home from the store.
The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Well; Lil Johnny thinks about it for a second and says,
"Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

 

 

U got to love those Push 2 Cycle Lawn-boy's !

 

Since we're now in October, let the Halloween humor commence!

 

 

Now that's infinitely funny.

 

 

..........

 

 

A man, his wife, and his son from Far Far Away out in the mountains go to the "big city" to a major hotel. When they get into the lobby, they are directed to the front desk to check in. While the wife is takin' care of "the paper work," the man is looking all around at the amazing things they have. One that catches his eyes is a recess in the wall with a crack down the middle. Just then, an elderly woman walks up, pushes a button next to the recess, and the wall opens up to a small room! She walks in and the wall closes, while lights above the secret doors flash along the top. They begin flashing in the other direction, and moments later the wall opens up and a shapely young lady, voguey dressed, sashays out, walking by the man and his son whose eyes and dropped jaws follow her by. The man looks back at the doors in the wall. "Son", says the man to his son... "Go get your mother!"

 

A son found a very nice nursing home for his dad, where every need is carefully taken care of by the staff.

He comes back after few days to check on him.

“Dad, how do you like this place, isn’t it great?”

“It’s terrible son!”

“What! Why? This is the best place in the state, How could you not like it?”

“You see I like to watch TV in the common space, and once in a while I tilt to the left, and one of the staff members comes up and puts me back in my seat.

“After sometime I tilt to the right, and again the staff member comes and put me back in my seat.”

“Dad, I don’t see what’s the problem, they make sure you don’t fall from your chair. They are very attentive!”

“Sure, son, but these @%#!ers won’t let me fart!”