For his wife's birthday, he orders a cake with this inscription:
"You're not getting older,
"You're getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put
"You are not getting older at the top and You are just getting better at the bottom."
It wasn't until the guy was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

 

A cat dies and goes to Animal Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,
"You have been a good cat all of these years."
"Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

 

Was the wheel the most important invention or was it the Sail Boat? I have my doubts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need some tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!'

 

“What is your name?” is the first thing the manager asks the new guy. “John,” the new guy replies.

I don't call anyone by his first name, that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. So, what is your last name?”




"Darling, My last name is Darling."

 

 

"Do you know about the LEO policewoman who works part-time as a stripper?"