my original:
When we get to that bridge; we'll swim the river.

 

"Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction."

 

My mother in law, " You'd rather go through Hell with gasoline drawer on, than mess with me" !!!!!

 

"Down the road from me there was this crazy old guy with a yard full of old Ford trucks," Hey, that's me---OK, well, we are sorta crazy.............

 

I got this from another site, some time ago. I thought it was cool
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, throughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaimiing...WOW WHAT A RIDE!!!!

 

It's not leaking oil.... it's sweating horsepower.

 

"If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes!"

 

Those who accept only the best often get just that.

If its better than sex you aren't doing it right.


When buying a car know that if it's fast and cheap it won't be reliable. If its cheap and reliable, it won't be fast. And if it's fast and reliable, it won't be cheap.


You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!

The closer you are to death, the closer you are to living.

 

And I'll never forget the day my dad was put out with me and asked:

"What'd you do this morning, take one of your Mothers 'dumb pills'"

That's the day my father found out just how good a womans hearing is when you are talking about her.

 

Drunker than a box full of winoes

If I had that and he had a feather in his a## we would both be tickled (one of dads favorites)

We will cross that bridge when we come to it (my wife hates this one)

You never get to old for mama to whoop your a## (one of mamas favorites)

well sh#t fire and save matches

 

no matter what you take apart, and put back together, there will always be a bolt left over.

 

I ain’t belivein’ this - next thing ya know we’ll be knitting Kittens.

 

Let me have a go at it:


Fits like socks on a rooster

had so many dents it looks like a sack full of doorknobs


Slick as snot on a doorknob

dumb as a box of hair

couldnt pour pee out of a boot with instructions printed on the heel

slow as molasses on a winter's day

0 to 60 in a weekend

high as a cat's back

dark as a stack of black cats

dumb as owl poop

kicks like a mule

 

If, if's and but were candies and nuts, every day would be Christmas
It's better than a poke in the eye with a frozen french fry.
my mom always said I was special.........

 

Here's a couple of my favorites,

He's sharper than a bowling ball!

She's driving like a pregnant nun on the way to confession.