Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
Then I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the male waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, Shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know what my colleagues do, but I use the spoon."

 

ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!"

 

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to thewaiter, "I'm sorry, but I’m blind and I can't read the menu. So just bringme a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there."

The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The bling guyputs the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'llhave...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Betty, who's thecook.

The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you adirty fork." He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blindguy smells it, and says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni andcheese with broccoli."

The waiter thinks the blind guy is bull****ting with him, so the next day whenthe blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Betty,rub this fork on your crotch." She does it, and then he goes out and handsit to the blind guy.

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Are youkidding me? I didn't know Betty worked here!"

 

Day brighteners all.

Ole lost his hat and decided he needed one. As he was walking down the street he was walking pass the Lutheran Church as services were going on and thought, "I'll just sneak in and grab me a hat from the vestibule. When he got in there the pastor was preaching a sermon on the ten commandments and Ole got caught up in listening and stayed for the service.

At the end of the service Ole was leaving and shook hands with the pastor. The pastor thanked Ole for attending and asked what had brought him into church.

Ole said, "Vell, I lost my hat and vas going to steal von from da vestibule, but den I listen to da sermon and decided not to.

The pastor asked, "What stopped you from stealing, the commandment on, Thou shalt not steal?"

"No." said Ole, "Da one on, Dow shalt not commit adultery. Ven you spoke about dat one, I remembered vere I left my hat.

 

HAHAHAHA!!!!!

 

ha ha ha didn't see that coming!!

 

Justsharing some thoughts meandering in my senior mind.

*Thelocation of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in arobe before you start looking like a mental patient.

*Mytherapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

*My 65year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195pounds I've gained since then.

*Ialways wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they justgive you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

*Denny'shas a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you'rein Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!


*Bothmy nurse and the pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm prettysure they are going to get me something.

*Onaverage, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. Thisis very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

*Ican't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothingline named, "Sag Harbor."

*Ithink it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out oftattoos.

*Whatis it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?

*Moneycan't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

Thebest for last!

*Thereason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass,Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. Theonly married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

 

Too funny I am going to steal a couple of those

 

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead ofme, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leaveme alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan beltor a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to stealyour neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't bepromoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you 're alive, try missing acouple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in theirshoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have theirshoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed......skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how tofish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in halfand put it back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a darkside, and it holds the universe together.

17. There are two theories to arguing with a woman - Neither oneworks.

18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lipsare moving.

19. Experience is something you don't get until just after youneed it.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and alaxative.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on ourbutts. Then things get worse.

23. There is a fine line between "hobby" and"mental illness."

24. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take ittoo seriously.

25. No one is listening until you fart.

 

You can always tell who farted because they are the one smiling. If you don't believe it, just ask "Who farted?' and they will always smile.

 

Why do so Polish sir names end in ski?








Because they can't spell toboggan.

 

Why do they call the little clip that holds marijuana a roach clip?


Because the name pot holder was already used.

 

Boooo Hisss Hissss!

 

A few good Senior Moments

An elderlygentleman....

Had serious hearingproblems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was ableto have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear100%
The elderly gentlemanwent back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing isperfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied,'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around andlisten to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirementcenter were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other andsays: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I knowyou're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel justlike a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newbornbaby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth,and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner atanother couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and wentinto the kitchen.
The two gentlemen weretalking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it wasreally great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'Whatis the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought andthought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someoneyou love?
You know.... The onethat's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,'replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what'sthe name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse,I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with asuitcase at his feet, who insisted hedidn't need my helpto leave the hospital.
After a chat about rulesbeing rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I askedhim if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said..'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in theirnineties are both havingproblems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them thatthey're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down tohelp them remember..
Later that night,while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'min the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowlof ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think youshould write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like somestrawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forgetit?'
He says, 'I can rememberthat. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whippedcream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'Idon't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries andwhipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into thekitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returnsfrom the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares atthe plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to hiseighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're gettingmarried?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she goodlooking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook toowell.'
'Does she have lots ofmoney?'
'Nope! Poor as a churchmouse.'
'Well, then, is she goodin bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do youwant to marry her then?'
'Because she can stilldrive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy,isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No,it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I.Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling hisneighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered theneighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'


Morris, an 82 year-old man,went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, thedoctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on hisarm.
A couple of days later,the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Justdoing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'Ididn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more. . ....!
A little old man shuffled slowlyinto an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto astool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress askedkindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied,'Arthritis.'