Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."
Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for
many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by
a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe--Moe."
"Who is it?" asks Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."

 

We all know that Moms love to dress up their kids.
But when Dad is a graphic designer, anything is possible..

It all started out with the innocent baby picture below...















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Like a lot of folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I
pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as they see fit.

In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test,
which I have no problem with.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who
don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to
get a welfare check, because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their
feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sit on
their @ss and collecting a welfare check. Could you imagine how much money
the state would possibly save if people had to pass a urine test to get a
public assistance check????

Demand equal rights - Urine testing for all.

 

Cruise Hat




An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind"?

" Yes, I know," said the lady,"I need both hands to hold onto this hat.
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!!!!!!!"

 

GrammarLesson









Just in case you ever wondered why, in the English language, we should never end a sentence with a prepositional phrase, here is a really good explanation.

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

Harry then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is '1-2-3-4,' and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new 'ability.' That night he is ready to surprise Joyce so he showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her, he softly says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"


And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

 

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142K View Download </td></tr></tbody></table>

 

GOOD, ....BETTER, ..... BEST IN texass
In richardson, texass State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)


BETTER


A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in plano, texass. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police mailed another photo of handcuffs.


BEST
A young woman was pulled over in austin, texass for speeding. As the State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the texass State Police Ball."
He replied, "texass State Troopers don't have *****." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

 

Billy Bob's Vacation!

 

The Dawn-Key diet. This really works.
A friend of mine, who is a nurse , talked to me about the Atkins Diet, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, & the latest of course, The South Beach Diet.



Since she is a nurse, & has done a lot of study & research on dieting, I truly think she has found the real answer to weight loss:

The Dawn-Key Diet:


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*





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*

 

The Marine Drill Sergeant noticed a new recruit and barked at him: "Get your BUTT over here!
What's your name Recruit?

"Paul, sir."

Sergeant: Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bull-**** they're teaching in boot camp, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by last names only, Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as "Sergeant". Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Sir, Sergeant!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

"Darling. My name is Paul Darling."

"Okay, Paul, here's what I want you to do...."

 

Click here: Cell Phone Eavesdropping

 

The People Of...







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Those shoes are not blue nor are they suede.





How am I supposed to slap a ho without an essential part of my balanced breakfast?





Nothing says sanitary like a parrot in the produce section...





"What are you wearing sexy?" -Cowboy boots. "Ya, that's hot." - Pink velour pants.


"Ya I like that." - a little green baby girl hoodie. "Oh damn, that sounds sexy."


- and I kinda look like Gallagher. "Oh ya...wait...what?"





Let's run through my rock star list.... Mullet? - check; big sunglasses? - check; heart shaped tattoo?


- u know I love my mom; Cut jean shorts? - are there any other type of shorts?; wife beater tied at


the midriff - check;..... He is an official ROCK STAR!





I think I just sharted...





WTF???





Is that Rainbow Brite all grown up??





Is that a soccer ball? A map of the solar system? The structure of a sub-atomic particle?





I have absolutely no idea what to say...





Is that a gangster leotard?





Everyone loves the man in the yellow go-go boots!





Nice purse!






Do you see the flame shoes buddy? That means I will not think twice about karate chopping you into the middle of next week!





AHH! I love the frozen food section... it tingles!





Umm... excuse me, sir...





At least the purse matches, right?





Rawr...





No, honey, it's an ancient Egyptian symbol of prosperity, I swear!





I was wondering why you suddenly smelled better.





Every man has an NFL jersey AND pink short-shorts in their wardrobe, right?





I have the same outfit, only in red.





Just in case you had the urge...





Now all we need is Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem for a reunion tour.





Yes, you are seeing that correctly. Old man + large, supple breast implants.



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This really does work!!!!!!!!!





Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in most psychiatric journals.



The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you relax

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are gently singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater and choking the sh#t out of ..

There! See? It really does work!

You're smiling already

Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique.

 

chpro, I requested your post to be deleted. Off color is okay, foul is not, give us jokes, just try to keep it a little cleaner

 

[center]Here's another new one from the church bulletin this morning.

A little boy prayed for $100.00. Waited & waited, nothing happened.

So he decided to write a letter to GOD. He wrote his letter & put it in the mailbox. Somebody at the post office decided to send it the white house.

ex-President bush read the letter & sent the little boy $5.00.

The little boy got it & then wrote another letter to GOD. He said, " Dear GOD, next time please don't send it through Washington. The politicians took everything but $5.00 ".

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