I am gonna be 21 in less than a month, my friend Josh has been around since I met him in the 6th grade. Now-a-days, we argue a lot, we disagree on a lot of things...it's stressing me out.

3 weeks ago, give or take a few days, we were talking to a mutual friend Paul (who he hangs out with, and I know Paul through Josh) and the idea came up to plan a trip to canada (by car). We planned for leaving apr 22nd and coming back on the 24th (this weekend).

I've been rediculously busy and havn't even thought about the trip since then....I've talked and hung out with Josh a few times since, neither of us mentioned a thing about it since. I got a call last night from Josh, basically as a "hey you ready to go tomorrow" type call. I told him that I can't go because my financial situation has changed (i've recently aquired a lot of debt), and in the last 2 weeks or so, it's gotten worse. I told him I didn't have the money to spend on a vacation and that I can't go. He gave me a hard time about it, complaining and whining, and i basically told him that I don't want to listen to him (he does this ALL the time) complain like that...and the call fizzled out and that was it. He called me this morning (i didnt get it), and left a msg basically saying that they were able to cancel the hotel and that it is only a $30 fee. I havn't called him back (just got the msg 1/2 hr ago).

I don't know what to do here. This guy is aggrivating me all the time, and our friendship is going south. I hate fighting with him and I'm sick of it.

What's interesting about this story, is that last night he never mentioned that they actually bought the hotel! I was never told they were gonna go out and actually schedule it. As far as I remember, when we left it 3 weeks ago, that we were planning on going, and had the intention of going, but since we havn't even talked about it at all, I took it kinda loosely. Now I find out that....without Josh even mentioning anything...they bought a hotel and had everything setup for us to go. I wasn't expecting this...and now he evidently wants me to pay this $30 fee.

I don't even know what to say to him now...I don't even really want to deal with this situation but I have to. I want to tell him that am totally caught off guard by finding out that they already bought the hotel, w/o even talking to me first. I feel bad that I backed out, but I also feel kinda pigeon holed into this situation. I feel as though they should have followed up with me before buying a hotel. I'm sure Josh is just going to say something like "dude we planned this 2-3 weeks ago you knew" etc etc....we just don't see eye to eye on a lot of this stuff.

Quite frankly I'm tired of these types of situations always happening, and I'm thinking about cutting off his friendship even more than I have. Turn him into somebody I talk to every now and again...and thats it. He still owes me $200 for some automotive work I did for his boss last year...i was after him for months for that money and he never paid me, so I feel like telling Josh that I'll pay him his $30 when I get my $200 back. That will make things more negative, but he's the one who never paid me in the first place.

So what do you guys/gals think I should do??

 

Sounds like you know exactly what you should do. Grab your guns and stick to em. Some people grow up faster than others. Sounds like this is what has happened with your friendship. People from different financial backgrounds look at things differently. Your fixing your debt problem is more important than his feelings. Debt usually outlasts many friendships

BTW, I've had a few friends like that. I just vent on em every now and then. They all know I carry a soapbox in my back pocket. I shoulda been a teacher the way I lecture.

 

Some points that have surfaced after me thinking about it more...

He didn't even call me directly last night, he called another mutual friend Mike, who I happened to be with at the time, and when he realised I was there asked Mike to give me the phone so we could talk. He may of had the intention of calling me later on, but at that time it was already 7.30 pm, so regardless....it was the night before lol.


Another thought, he didn't even mention the fact that a hotel was purchased last night, he only mentioned it when he left me the voicemail this morning. Last night he complained to me about backing out, that I should of done it earlier so that he could have tried to get someone else (which he probably wouldn't of been able to get anyone else anyway), and that now instead of 3 people theres 2 people and they lost the 1/3rd of my share to pay for the trip. No mention of a hotel being purchased. I find it odd that he can say all of that, and not also mention the fact that a hotel was purchased. You agree??

That suspicion makes me think this is the true story...

After I talked to him last night, he called Paul and told Paul I wasn't going, and that's when Paul told Josh that they had a hotel already purchased, and that Josh didn't know which is why he didn't mention it to me.

So they called the hotel this morning and cancelled it this morning, and then Josh called me simply saying they were able to cancel the hotel, that it ended up not being that big of a deal, just $30 for me to pay.

I don't know for sure, but it seems like Josh didn't know about the hotel last night just like I didn't know. He may have known, but he didn't mention it, and I think it's odd that he didn't mention it.


So, from there...I'm not exactly sure how to handle this. I need to find out whether or not Josh actually knew last night if there was a hotel purchased or not. How do I ask him? Just flat out?

I'm going to tell him that yes, I accept responsibility for backing out, and not mentioning anything sooner, complain all you want you're right, I should have mentioned it earlier. But I don't feel that I'm responsible for this $30. Normally, I'd probably let it go and just pay it, but not after our past.

The situation seems to of been a miscommunication. When we talked 3 weeks ago, all we said was lets plan for it on apr 23rd-24th. To me, that says "plan to have that weekend open so we can go"...we don't talk about it since and all of a sudden we have a hotel and I'm roped into this?

If I figure out that Josh also didn't know about the hotel, then I have all the more reason to say screw you guys, here's $10...my 1/3rd....but oh Josh, you can take that $10 out of the $200 you owe me. Done.

But, if I can't figure out that he didn't know.....then I'm not sure how to go about this. How should I ask him so I can figure out if he knew?

Anyone have anything to help me?

 

Mustang,
Sorry, but my take on this is that all three of you guys committed to this trip, and you owe your fair share of the cancellation fees (if there truly are any).

As you said however, have your buddy take the $30 out of the $200 he owes you and call it even.

You are a young guy. You will find that over the years, long-time friendships sometimes dwindle. This is natural. It is due to the fact that people change over time. Their opinions change, philosophy, work ethics, personality, etc. I had many of the same close friends growing-up through grammer and high school. After twenty years, I am only still in contact with two. Some have moved away, one has parished, but mostly it was just change. Change in me, and change in them.

 

My thought ?

Manure happens ...sometimes life sucks.


Although,IMO this situation should have been discussed at least a few times in the last 10 days leading up to the day of leaving.

Not the night before, so there weren't any surprises.


Chalk it up to experience

 

I'm a little old fashioned on matters involving my word, I consider it a contract. If you feel that you made a commitment, pay the $30. If you feel no commitment was made, tell him so and walk away. As for the friendship, if it is strong it will survive, if not move on. Good luck.
Dono

 

I am like dono. My word is my word, not only to others, but to myself. You commited to make the trip. They made arrangements with expectation of you being in the group. You backed out. Pay the $30.00.

The $200.00 is a separate issue. You state that the $200.00 repair job was on your friend's boss' truck. Take it up with the boss.

Maybe your friends will be glad to have you break off the friendship. You put up more excuses than I could count, and back out at the last minute when for a week or more you knew you would not make the trip.

Don't ever give me your word.

 

Sounds like your friend is playing a power and control game and you seem to be going along with it. You three make tentative plans for a trip and then never get back together on it? Doesn't sound like a commitment to me. Can't those two go by themselves or find somebody else? This dude has owed you $200 for a long time now and apparently has no intention of paying it. News flash: get some better friends. Grow some nads while you're at it and stand up for yourself. How are you going to feel tomorrow when you look at yourself in the mirror after giving this dude $30?

 

I agree with dono. You are the one who has to look at the guy in the morror every day. And, you're the one who needs to decide of this friendship is all it should be. $30 is chicken feed- friends are hard to come by.

 

If you had no idea anyone booked a room, and never asked you if you were "in", I don't think you owe the $30... Was it one room, or three?

Refuse to pay it, and that "friend" will disappear... that's the easy way out.

Of course, you'll never see the $200, but since you no longer have it in your hand, it's lost money already anyway.

Sounds like the path is clear to lose the "friend"... don't pay the $30, ask for your $200 instead, and you won't see him around shortly thereafter, I'd bet. Kinda sneaky, but it's a ready-made conflict that can be turned into a good thing.

 

The difference between friends and relatives is that at least you get to pick your friends. Sounds like you need to pick a new friend.

 

My opinion is tell him that you can take the $30 out of the $200 you owe me and then find some new friends. Just like alot of people have said people change.

 

Well in my opinion if you agreed to it then yes you should pay your sahre. Now on the other hand it sounds like you thought it was still being planned with nothing set up yet. If this is the case then there should have been more communication between you all before and during the planning. Now there was a time when I was young and at that age you make plans on the spur of the moment so your friend could have done that with out even thinking about it. Here is where you have to do what you feel is right for you. Listen to your thoughts and decide how to proceed. As for friendships, well they change with time and there is a poing you need space. I have a good friend that has been tath way since 3rd grade but we can go for months without talking or seeing each other then pick right back up. Things happen adn changes occur so just go with the flow and do what makes you deel right and ok with yourself.

 

OK, he has called back again about 20 minutes ago, I am busy and don't feel like dealing with him yet, so I let it go to voicemail. I'll tell you about that in a second, first let me say a few things in regards to what people have said so far.

But I don't feel as though we were 100% committed to this, esp since we never talked about it after we mentioned it. This is arguable, both ways.

The only thing I can say about this, is that I don't believe they should have made arragements like that w/o me being told. Do you agree or disagree?

I also agree that it doesn't sound like a commitment. They couldn't find anyone else to go in time (but they probably wouldn't of had anyone else to go with anyway). It sounds to me like they didn't go because they didn't want to pay 1/2, they wanted my 1/3rd to be able to make it cheaper.

$30 shouldn't spilt a friendship, but with the fights me and him have....the reason I am making a big deal out of this, is because if I just give them the $30 I accept blame and that I completely screwed up their vacation. This isn't true, I shouldn't be the only one to blame here. I am sticking up for myself because of previous arguments. If we never argued....it would be different because I wouldn't care and I'd let it go. I've let enough things go. I don't want this to be the end of our friendship, but I do want him to learn from this.

It was one room. I want to tell them, "hey, you guys didn't even ask me if I was in or mentioned anything about getting a room"....but Josh will just try to hold me to "we made plans weeks ago"...well...i think the fact that nobody ever followed up with it, made those plans lucrative. My only argument about that, is how lucrative they were, and how they didn't talk to me first before buying anything.


Now, in the voicemail he says (shortened)...

-Complains about me not calling him back...

-Says he's calling to tell me since I was the 3rd person, it would be stupid for Paul and Josh to go, so as of last night they cancelled the trip and that then they'd have to split the $30 bill for the room. (but notice how this time he's saying him and paul are splitting it? and that they have to...interesting way of changing things around now).

-That he doesn't understand "how on earth you could possibly be fustrated at me for this because you waited until I called you yesterday to tell me you weren't going...when we planned a month or month and 1/2 ago that we were going and everything was set. So I don't understand how you're getting mad at me for this because I was just trying to plan something but because you changed your mind, I'm the a-h" End of call.

I thought it was about 3 weeks ago, he says a month-month and 1/2 ago...i don't think it was that long ago, but...lets call it a month ago then....so a month goes by and no dicussion of this trip? I didn't mention this earlier, but like a week and 1/2 ago or something the idea came to tell Josh I wasn't going, but I figured since we didn't talk about it at all, that I didn't have to tell them right away, and I never got back to that thought of telling them. He would of "complained" (B word) for me backing out then too.

I don't even really understand why he words his voicemail in such a way. Keep in mind I havn't even talked to him about this yet...and he's already saying stuff like this? This isn't the first time he's gotten in arguements with people for over whether or not things were planned. Two other friends say he does this kind of thing all the time to them too, IE make lucrative plans and then tries to rope you on it.

There is a pattern with Josh, he ALWAYS tries to throw the blame on somebody else, and not accept blame when due. So in that voicemail, it's tryin' real hard to establish my COMPLETE guilt in this matter.

 

Give him the $10.00 (1/3 right?) and ask him when does he plan on giving you the $200. If he says that you have to take that up with his boss, then cut him off........... Did you ever see "A Bronx Tale" when the kid owes someting like $20.00 but keeps dodging the other kid and the mob guy says if the kid isn't a real friend then stop worrying about the $20 and cut him off... hopefully he won't pay and you'll never have to hear his crap again.