A man walks into a bar where the bartender is having a contest. Interested the man walks up to the bartender and asks, "What do I have to do to win?"

The bartender replies with a smile, "You merely have to make my horse laugh, and you win $1,000."

The man accepts the challenge and walks out back to the stable. Moments later he reappears and you can hear the horse laughing his **** off from out back. Well a month passes by and the man returns to the bar. Again he is having a contest and again the man in interested.

"What's the contest this time?" the man asks.

"Make my horse cry, and you will win the $1,000 prize."

The man walks out back again to the stable and within moments he returns with the horse crying a river. The bartender hands over the money, but stops the man before he leaves.

"You made my horse laugh and cry, what did you say to him?" the bartender asks.

With a grin the man replies, "Simple, the first time I told him I had a bigger ***** then him, the second time I showed him!"

 

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
"Well, ****, that explains why no one was at church either."

 

Subject: Laws of the International Council of Man:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
 When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
 The moment Kate Upton starts unbuttoning her blouse.
 After wrecking your boss's car.
 When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits... forever... unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and then only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just plain greedy.

18: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

19: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail her again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

20: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

21: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue..

22: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox. End of story.

23: There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.. Ever!

24: We've all heard about people having guts or *****. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and saying, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

'*****' on the other hand, is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife squarely on the *** and saying, "OK, you're next fatty!"

I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Man Laws...

 

So True……

WE ALWAYS HEAR ‘THE RULES’ FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU’RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT’S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON’T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT’S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON’T ASK US.

My personal fave:
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.


1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE…

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY ‘NOTHING,’ WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON’T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE…REALLY.

1.. DON’T ASK US WHAT WE’RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL, Surfing or Motorcycles…..

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON’T MIND THAT? IT’S LIKE CAMPING…

 

I think I like #1 best.........

 

Sorry to re-post, but his makes me laugh out loud every time.

 

Have you heard about the wooden horse? No s#!].

 

A man walks up to the bar, and speaks to the bartender. “I bet you $500 that I can **** in this cup from across the room.” The bartender looks at the man like he was nuts and says with a laugh, “Ooook buddy. You got a deal.” So the man walks over to the other side of the room, pulls down his zipper and just lets it fly. **** goes everywhere; on the bar, on customers, all over the bartender, but not a drop lands in the cup. The man walks back over to the bartender. The bartender says, “Ha ha ha. Well pay up.” So the man pays him, turns around and begins to laugh hysterically. The bartender asks, “You just lost $500, why are you laughing?” The man turns around and says to the bartender, “Well you see that man over there.” The bartender says, “Yeah.” He replies, “Well, I bet him $10,000 that I could **** all over your bar and you, and that you would be happy and laugh about it!”

 

Lesson 1:*

*

*

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

*

*

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

*

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When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

*

*

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

*

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After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

*

*

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

*

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When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

*

*

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.*

*

*

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

*

*

Moral of the story:*

*

*

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.*

*

*

Lesson 2:*

*

*

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

*

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She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

*

*

The priest nearly had an accident.

*

*

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

*

*

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

*

*

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.*

*

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

*

*

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

*

*

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.*

*

*

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

*

*

Moral of the story:*

*

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.*

*

*

*

*

Lesson 3:*

*

*

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

*

*

They rub it and a Genie comes out.*

*

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'*

*

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'*

*

Puff! She's gone.

*

*

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

*

*

Puff! He's gone.

*

*

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.*

*

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office afterlunch.'

*

*

*

Moral of the story:*

*

Always let your boss have the first say.*

*

Lesson 4*

*

*

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

*

*

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'*

*

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'*

*

*

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

*

*

Moral of the story:*

*

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.*

*

*

*

*

*

Lesson 5*

*

*

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

*

*

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'*

*

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

*

*

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

*

*

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

*

*

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.*

*

*

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

*

*

*

Moral of the story:*

*

Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..*

*

*

*

*

Lesson 6*

*

*

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

*

*

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

*

*

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

*

*

The dung was actually thawing him out!

*

*

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.*

*

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.*

*

*

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

*

*

*

Morals of the story:*

*

(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.

*

*

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

*

*

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

*

*

*

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

Two school marm biddies go to Scotland on vacation. As they pass an alleyway, they see a Scotsman (in full traditional dress) passed out drunk.

The one biddie asks the other: "Ever wonder what's under a Scotsman's kilt?"

Gently lifting the kilt with an umbrella, the pair discover that a good Scotsman wears nothing under his kilt.

The one says to the other: "Let's play a joke on him. I will tie my hair ribbon around his tallywacker. When he wakes up he'll go crazy trying to figure it out."

The Scotsman wakes up sometime later, and as drunks due, prepares to urinate. When he sees a blue ribbon wrapped around his manhood, he says:

(Scottish brough) "Laddie, I dint know where ya bin, but I'm real proud ta see ya won first prize."

 

 

 

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and
Pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and A salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

 

I would change that wish... "When ever I open the beer fridge, the right amount of beer would always be there."