A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to Mountains of West Virginia and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be handling all our financial, educational and medical dilemmas?

 

haha nice!!!!!

 

the government has us all in the outhouse right now and it stinks!

 

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge
heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy,
the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,
sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..



At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

The priest fainted!

 

Richard is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

So Richard and his friends start snacking on them.

When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you,
ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts."
Then Grandma says,

"You're welcome. Eat all ya' want...
Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off 'em."

 

Some of you have posted some pretty hilarious jokes!!!

But as they are stand alone posts,,, they quickly get lost in the masses.

This will give us a place to have them all together!!!

Batter Up!!!!

 

OMG!!! Ha! Ha!! Ha!!! That is too funny!!!!

 

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A GIRL FORM PENNSYLVANIA


Three friends married women from different parts of the US .

The first man married a woman from Florida . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Texas . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from PENNSYLVANIA. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. However, he still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

Was walking down the street the other day and as i walked past the mental health hospital I could hear kids playing in the yard. They began chanting " thirteen-thirteen-thirteen-thirteen". How strange I thought so I walked a little further and found a knot hole where I could peer through and see what the kids were doing.

OW! Some kid poked me in the eye with a stick. As I walked away I could hear the kids chanting "fourteen-fourteen-fourteen-fourteen".

 

That was a great idea to put jokes in one place. Great idea Liz. Thanks!

 

GOOD MORNING :

My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.


My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.

 

I agree Kap & Liz, I enjoy a good one once in awhile, Gigger

 

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello..'

I politely said,
'This is Rick
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
To call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
The last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an butthead!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down
With the word 'butthead' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an butthead!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'butthead'
Calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an butthead!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled
That I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first butthead
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW butthead, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an butthead!'

Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two buttheads to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called butthead #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an butthead!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said,
'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'butthead, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, butthead,'
And hung up.

Then I called butthead #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, butthead,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ***'

I answered,
'Well, butthead, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax , to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two buttheads
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

 

I almost quit reading it but the ending was so worth it, good one Kap.

 

I bailed about half way through then went back after I read gigger's comment!!