The Safe for GNAC Joke Thread!!!
#61
04-30-2011, 09:35 AM
Charley, a new retiree-greeter atWal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job,but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
SCROLL DOWN.....
"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?"
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job,but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
SCROLL DOWN.....
"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?"
#63
05-03-2011, 05:59 PM
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"
#64
05-03-2011, 06:00 PM
Late one night a burglar broke into a house. He froze when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching!" Silence returned to the house so the burglar crept forward. "Jesus is watching!" the voice boomed again. The robber stopped dead in his tracks and looked all around. He spotted a parrot in a cage.
"Was that you?" asked the burglar?
"Yes," answered the parrot.
The criminal sighed in relief and asked, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
"The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
"Was that you?" asked the burglar?
"Yes," answered the parrot.
The criminal sighed in relief and asked, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
"The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
#66
05-03-2011, 06:13 PM
A man is awakened in the night by the noise from someone trying to break into his garden shed. He calls 911 and reports "I think there's a burglar outside. It sounds like he's breaking into my garden shed." The dispatcher patches him thru to a patrolman who says "It will be about 45 minutes before an officer is available. You're in no immediate danger, so just stay in your house with the doors locked until we can arrive."
"Forty-five minutes?!? What do you mean forty-five minutes?!? The thief will have gotten in, cleaned the place out, and be long gone by then!" "I'm sorry, sir, but we're already on a call. Unless bodily harm is imminent, burglary calls have a low priority. There just aren't enough officers available."
"Fine!" says the man, and slams down the phone. He creeps quietly downstairs and out to the shed and sure enough, the thief is rummaging around inside. The man shuts him in and blocks the door, then calls 911 again, reporting "You know the burglar who broke into my garden shed? Well, you can tell your police officers not to rush - I just shot and killed him."
Not five minutes and three police cars converge on his house, sirens wailing, lights flashing; five police officers surround the man in his garden. "All right" says one "Where's the fellow you killed?" "Killed? I haven't killed anybody." "You called our dispatcher and said you'd shot and killed an intruder!" "Yeh, and YOU said there were no officers available!"
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Btw Kap, where ya been?
"Forty-five minutes?!? What do you mean forty-five minutes?!? The thief will have gotten in, cleaned the place out, and be long gone by then!" "I'm sorry, sir, but we're already on a call. Unless bodily harm is imminent, burglary calls have a low priority. There just aren't enough officers available."
"Fine!" says the man, and slams down the phone. He creeps quietly downstairs and out to the shed and sure enough, the thief is rummaging around inside. The man shuts him in and blocks the door, then calls 911 again, reporting "You know the burglar who broke into my garden shed? Well, you can tell your police officers not to rush - I just shot and killed him."
Not five minutes and three police cars converge on his house, sirens wailing, lights flashing; five police officers surround the man in his garden. "All right" says one "Where's the fellow you killed?" "Killed? I haven't killed anybody." "You called our dispatcher and said you'd shot and killed an intruder!" "Yeh, and YOU said there were no officers available!"
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Btw Kap, where ya been?
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#67
05-03-2011, 06:21 PM
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
#68
05-09-2011, 05:17 AM
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reliable vehicle?
Well, Kapusta...You know how "overbuilt" that little unassuming truck was!
We will never own a vehicle as "pound for pound tough" as that little truck
was! It was the most dependable vehicle Pop & I have ever owned! In the
13 yrs we owned a 1972 Courier, "They always got us home" & never had
to be towed! Our 1982 F-150,s hold a close record, as Pop,s has not been
towed yet...but my 4x4 threw a rod after 289K miles!
But, mine served
6 +year stint towing a tool trailer! This summer though, we plan to have
the engine in Pop's truck rebuilt!
Viva la Fords!
We will never own a vehicle as "pound for pound tough" as that little truck
was! It was the most dependable vehicle Pop & I have ever owned! In the
13 yrs we owned a 1972 Courier, "They always got us home" & never had
to be towed! Our 1982 F-150,s hold a close record, as Pop,s has not been
towed yet...but my 4x4 threw a rod after 289K miles!
But, mine served 6 +year stint towing a tool trailer! This summer though, we plan to have
the engine in Pop's truck rebuilt!
Viva la Fords!
#69
05-09-2011, 05:12 PM
Nwrednk, my Courier was OK for what needed it for at the time. It had plenty of power. I had to be careful putting things in the bed since it was a single wall. The original seat cover didn't last long before it turned to shreds. The carb turned into a major PITA, one to R&R it and another to find someone to rebuild the '72 version correctly. It had an issue with flooding when coasting while at higher altitudes. Lastly, the cab was very cramped for someone like me who is 6'-2". I was so glad to get into a full sized truck (85 F150) after this little truck.
#70
05-22-2011, 01:32 PM
Post Fiend
#71
05-24-2011, 06:39 PM
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#72
05-27-2011, 12:50 PM
Homesick
A Pakistani immigrant goes to a Doctor and says "I feel terrible".
The Doctor says "You need to pee and poop in a bucket for a week,
throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3 days".
The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel
wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"
"You were homesick..."
The Doctor says "You need to pee and poop in a bucket for a week,
throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3 days".
The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel
wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"
"You were homesick..."
#73
05-31-2011, 11:18 AM
An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner
for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man
behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and
a concealed weapon carry permit.
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr..
Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"
The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a
.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"
"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the
driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.
May I ask what you are afraid of?
Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,
"Not a damn thing!"
for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man
behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and
a concealed weapon carry permit.
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr..
Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"
The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a
.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"
"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the
driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.
May I ask what you are afraid of?
Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,
"Not a damn thing!"
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#75
06-02-2011, 04:32 PM
Hotshot
Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal
A husband walks into Victoria ’ s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and Model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so Sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the Modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for Myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least Iron it!"
He never heard the gunshot.
Funeral is on Thursday at Noon
A husband walks into Victoria ’ s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and Model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so Sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the Modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for Myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least Iron it!"
He never heard the gunshot.
Funeral is on Thursday at Noon