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How about a few jokes to lighten up the day?

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How about a few jokes to lighten up the day?


Old 05-19-2010, 12:15 PM
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How about a few jokes to lighten up the day?

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.<o>></o>>
<o>> </o>>
All right, I have a few variations on that theme:

If GM had developed technology like Apple, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. The cars would be attractive but you could only buy three models and each model would have a choice of only two options packages.

2. The cars only come in one color for each model.

3. There are no controls or gauges in the car, only a navigation system. The car drives itself to the destination you pick on the map while you sit back.

4. The car normally runs fine but occasionally just stops for no reason with the speedometer needle spinning in a circle until you shut it off and restart it, upon which the unit runs like nothing had happened.

5. The hood is welded shut and there are no bolts, only welds. You are not to touch the mechanical bits but take the machine in to the dealer for any service whatsoever.

6. The car will come back from an oil change and refuse to start, move, or do anything. The dealership tells you "oh so sorry, buy a new one."

7. There is no instrument panel, instead there is a view screen upon which you can pay $10 to watch an hour-long TV episode or video.

8. Taking the machine in for an oil change after you've put a set of rims on it results in the car refusing to run and the rims being removed and swapped for a set of standard tires.

9. The price for the cars changes by 50% in only a couple weeks.

If GM had developed technology like the *nixes, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. There are 837 different models of car, each with 481 different options.

2. You can choose to build your car yourself or have somebody else build it for you.

3. All of the cars have roughly the same chassis and power train, but they differ enough in interior design and controls that they look and drive completely differently.

4. You are expected to service your own car- change the oil, fill up the tires, and change the transmission.

5. Cars generally come fully loaded, except that you have to go to <st1:country-region w:st="on">China</st1:country-region> to get a seat because somebody in the <st1>lace w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">U.S.</st1:country-region></st1>lace> has a patent on the idea of a device to allow sitting down in a moving vehicle, so your car cannot legally come with a seat in the <st1:country-region w:st="on">U.S.</st1:country-region>

6. You have to assemble your own seats and bolt them down to the floor.

7. Your car goes 400,000 miles without needing a repair.

8. The cars go from zero to 60 in three seconds and get 50 miles to the gallon while hauling a 5000-pound load but your radio can only play three AM stations until the manufacturer figures out exactly how other stations are encoded.

9. Most parking lots won't accept your brand of car into their lots as they have been told by the other manufacturers that they are made by terrorists and will explode and kill innocent little children who walk by them.

10. The car has controls for individual cylinder throttles, each wheel's brakes, and is a 5-speed, quad-range clutched manual. It also has a control and instrument panel that resembles a 737's. Once you figure out how to drive it, you can take corners flat at 150 mph and them promptly stop from 150 to 0 in a parking space 1 mm wider than your car without tapping the car opposing yours. But first you kill the engine 3000 times before you learn to do so.
I got up yesterday morning and went into the living room.
The old lady was sitting there naked in a chair with a rope in her hand.
She said, tie me up and do whatever you want.
So I tied her up and went fishing.<o>></o>>
<o>> </o>>
This is supposedly the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
Employee--"Rich Hall, Computer Assistance; may I help you?"
Customer--"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Employee--"What sort of trouble?"
Customer--"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden, the words went away."
Employee--"Went away?"
Customer--"They disappeared."
Employee--"Hmmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Customer--"It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Employee--"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Customer--"How do I tell?"
Employee--"Can you see the 'C:' prompt on the screen?"
Customer--"What is a sea prompt?"
Employee--"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Customer--"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Employee--"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer--"What's a monitor?"
Employee--"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer--"I don't know"
Employee--"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Customer--"Yes, I think so."
Employee--"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Customer--"Yes, it is."
Employee--"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Employee--"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Customer--"Okay, here it is."
Employee--"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Customer--"I can't reach."
Employee--"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Employee--"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Customer--"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
Customer--"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Employee--"Well, turn on the office light then."
Customer--"I can't."
Employee--"No? Why not?"
Customer--"Because there's a power failure."
Employee--"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and the packing stuff your computer came in?"
Customer--"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Employee--"Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.. Then take it back to the store you bought it from".
Customer--"Really? Is it that bad?"
Employee--"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Customer--"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Employee--"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer...<o>></o>>

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