One day in a small Aussie town during really stormy weather, the town
begins to flood. Everyone rushes to lifeboats and begins to
flee. But in a church a priest sits on the altar and does not
move. A man runs up to him.

"Father, come quickly, we have a lifeboat ready for you".

But the priest said "No, there is no need for me to flee for the Lord will
provide and he will save me".

"Right, then" said the man "Suit yourself"

A few hours later the water has risen up to the altar where the
priest is standing. A lifeboat zooms through the door with a few
men in it. One man calls to the priest-

"Father come quickly"

Once again the priest says "No, for the Lord will provide and he will save me."

So the lifeboat zooms off. A few hours later the water has risen
up to the crucifix to which the priest is hanging on! A lifeboat
zooms in.

"Father, the town is flooding, you must come with us to
safety."

STILL the priest claims "No, the Lord will provide. He will save me."

A few hours later the water rose up to the roof and the priest
drowned. Later in heaven the priest met God and said:

"Lord, why did you not save me? I had so much faith..."

And God told him "MAN! - what are you talking about!!!!!! I sent 3 bloody lifeboats..."

(I admit - it's an old one.....)

 

This guy is on the freeway, trying out his new Mustang, he's really giving it juice... And he starts to hear something... it's music! an Ice Cream truck passes by him like he where stopped!. "Damn! i'll beat that guy!".

Next day, the guy has a turbo intalled on the car, and on the afternoon he goes to the same freeway again, and once again, he gives it all yet he starts hearing the music again! the truck comes and goes... The guys is out of himself with rage and disbelief: "I'll get that f***ing truck!".

Next day, the guy mortgages the house, sells the wife's car, and trade in the Mustang for a new Lambo. He goes to the freeway and starts racing, "i won't be beaten this time" he tells to himself. And he's actually making it, he very painfully and slow catches up with the Ice Cream truck. "What the f*** are you going to do now? huh?" he say, the other driver calmly rolls down the window, turns his face at him and says "i'll shift second gear now" VROOOOOMMMMM!!!!

 

One night a man stops at a small tavern during a long drive, and hears a story from the locals about a ghost that shows up on the highway when it snows real hard.

It seems that when the weather is really bad people who are about to die in car crashes see this old man appear in their car windows, no matter how fast they are going....

He thinks nothing about it, drinks some coffee, and gets back on the road.

Soon the snow begins to fall very thick - the wipers are almost overcome, and he can barely see past the front of his machine.

All of a sudden he gets a real creepy feeling, and a shadow falls on the drivers side window - outside the window is a very old man looking in at him! He looks at the speedometer and see's that he's going 45 kilometers per hour...

How can this old man be moving with the car? It's impossible! But he looks again, and the old man is still there. Now the old man looks like he is saying something, but he can't hear it over the engine. Honestly? He really doesn't want to!

So now he presses down the accellerator and even though he can't see anything ahead goes faster until he is over 90 KPH. The shadow comes to the window AGAIN!

It is the old man! It is STILL THERE!!!

So the man slams down the accellerator and the engine is screaming now!

120, 160, 185 KPH!!!!

Suddenly there is a horrendous "****, CLANK, KERCHUNK!!!" from the front of the car, and the engine dies... The man thinks he is dead maybe, and nervously looks at the window...

The old man is still out there looking in at him!

In the silence the old man says to him:

"I was going to tell you that your drive wheels were spinning on the ice - but I don't suppose it matters now..."

 

A bloke jumps into a Taxi at the local airport and tells the driver to take him to a city hotel. On the way he realises he needs to stop at a shop.

He taps the driver on the shoulder and the driver jumps with fright and starts to lose control of the cab. The driver manages to stop the cab and turns to the passenger and says “I am sorry about that, but you scared the crap out of me. Today is the first day driving a cab. I have spent the last eight years driving a hearse ”

 

got to resurrect this thread
so




just taking my new toyota prius out for a drive talk later can,t stop

 

A Burglar broke into a vicarage one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said "Jesus knows you're here"

He jumped switched off his flashlight and froze, when he heard no more he continued looking. Then just as he pulled the wires out the back of the stereo he heard the voice say "Jesus is watching you"

Freaked out he shone his light around again looking for where the voice came from and saw a parrot in the corner of the room.

"Did you say that" he hissed at the parrot?

"Yep just trying to warn you he's watching" the parrot confessed.

The burglar, not being religious, relaxed and said "Who are you"?

"My names Moses" the parrot said.

"Who in the world would call a parrot Moses" asked the burglar?

"The same people that called the Rottweiler Jesus" said the parrot.

 

I just found this thread and couldn't resist after reading the jokes. I heard this the other day and thought it was funny.

Walking to work the other day I passed the mental health hospital. The kids were playing in the yard and I heard them all saying 13, 13, 13, 13. I couldnt resist knowing what was going on so I peeked through a hole in the fence and OW!!!! One of those brats poked me in the eye with a stick. I reeled back and started to massage my eye and thats when I heard them saying 14, 14, 14, 14.

 

The wife is angry at her husband because he does it with his patients... And he's a veterinarian...

 

A man in the Aussie Outback wakes up one morning to find a deadly drop bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Macca's Drop Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The drop bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a cricket bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the ******* off the roof with this cricket bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his ********* and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bugger knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

Two lions are walking in single file across the veldt one day. The second one licks the first one's bottom, whereupon the first lion turns and says "Do NOT do that again!".

They walk on a little further and the second lion again licks the first one's bottom. The first lion again turns and says "I really do not like you doing that - do NOT do it again!"

They walk on a little further and, yes, the second lion again licks the first one's bottom. Enraged, the first lion turns and exclaims "What is WRONG with you???"

The second lion, in an apologetic voice, explains "I've just eaten a real estate agent and I can't get the taste out of my mouth"

 

Teacher Arrested.
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a ., a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said:

'They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every Country’.

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say:
"There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said:
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President!!!