Dear Duane,

I find your column boring and unrelated to anything I am interested in, I believe this will be the last time I read it. I think you should write more about current events, and politics, I know you have a voice, speak up! Be heard!

Restless in Indiana

 

Dere Dwain,

Eye Canot spel verie gude! Eye nede to lern hou yue fansy westurnurs tipe. Plese sind 35 dollurs too mey soe thatt eye caan ettand phormal skool.

 

Salutations Duane,

It has come to my attention that you have been foregoing your responsibilies as a columnist, and have been giving poor advice and have been ignoring your public and their concerns. I am afraid we have no choice but to let you go, and since you don't read your email, mail, or read your own column, this is the only way we had of letting you know you are terminated as of May 25 2012.

 

Dear Duane,

I am a plumber, and heard that one of your readers had a plumbing problem, so if you just give him my phone number I will be glad to fix any of his plumbing, heating, cooling, and electrical problems. Phone number is 361-1212 name is Hank.

 

Dear Duane,

Long time reader, short time comprehender. My husband has an Ford Bronco that he keeps around that make him feel like a kid again, I made a sign for it that I had him put in his back window that says " My wife hates this Piece of Junk!" He is a big Husker fan!

So to get to my question.
I was wondering... do you think I should paint our bedroom in Pink or Fusia?

 

Man they just keep coming.. but where is duane?

 

Dear Duane,

I feel like my girlfriend is constantly ignoring me, she never answers my phone calls, she keeps putting restraining orders on me, she doesn't like it anymore when I watch her from outside of her window, and still to this day she refuses to go out on an official date. I would treat her so well, but she will not even give me the time of day. Three times I have been caught by the police cleaning the lint traps of her dryer and digging through her trash, just to have a little bit of who she is with me at all times. People think I am weird, but I have been chewing on some gum she threw in the trash can for nearly two weeks now, it has nearly lost its flavor by now. Some know her as Marge Simpson on the TV show the Simpsons, but I just know her as my main squeeze.

Now to my question..
Should I use generic, or name brand toilet paper?

 

i want to infract curtis for minor spamming, anyone want to bribe me to do it? lol

 

Dear Duane,

I took your advice and purchased the John Wayne version of toilet paper. You told me it would put hair on my chest. Well, since I am folically challenged on top of my head, I was going to have all the new hairs on my chest transplanted to my scalp.


Well... this didn't work, I have nearly sanded my behind completely off but still can't get the splinters out of my butt crack. There is not one single new hair on my chest, and I haven't been able to sit down for a week.

Painfully yours,
Kojack

 

Yeah!!! lets burn that guy at the stake, or just burn his steak.. about 5-10 minutes on each side.




I will pay $1 to bribe!

 

Dear Duane,

I need help, I have never been Infracted before, is there a special method you would suggest? I am not even sure what it means, so I need to pick up a book or manual on how to do it with the most success. Please advise.


soon to be infracted,
that curtis guy...

 

lmao.......... i think we should do it...... just to show you that WE MEAN business

 

Who is the We you keep talking about? LOL!!!

 

Dear Duane,

I have some friends that work for a company that supposidly fixes ATMs, but it appears that there are none to fix and they have way too much time on their hands. Could we come up with something productive for them to do until something actually breaks?

Herby,

 

Oh boy, where to start.......

I will start looking to fill the position of chapter therapist tomorrow but I don't think I can even convince a shrink to fix you

I will also be filling the position of secret service agent for the chapter leader, maybe the A team is available???

Next I will pay a couple of junkies (one here and one in up north) to run around breaking ATM's (that should keep you two occupied far awhile)

I will leave in saying this.....From this point on it's on "like donkey kong" and whatever happens, remember, you brought this on yourself !!!


HEHEHEHEHEHE :-)