How bout "boxing the clown"

 

Speaking of unusual phrases for things. Grandpa from Grumpy old men does it best.

YouTube - Grumpy Old Men Outtakes

YouTube - Grumpy Old Men Outakes

 

Just got off the phone with oldest daughter (42) she just found a condom wrapper in her 12 year old son's bedroom. To say she was shocked would be an understatement. His story he's sticking to is that he found a small box of them and just out of curiousity opened one, read the directions and figured what the Hell, I'll try it on. He reported to Mom that it was way to big. She's just scratching her head. She said she did not think she even knew what a condom was at 12 years of age.

 

God kid, you gotta have the neatest job in town!! How in the world are you going to duplicate the liberties you have here in Iowa?

 

Never heard it called that, that sounds painful

 

Thats easy. I don't want to.

I could do my job in my sleep. So much so that I get bored and kid around with you guys while I'm working. Today I made it through a literal pile of billing paperwork, designed two catalog covers, updated the website, produced 7 purchase orders, sent out 3 completed jobs for delivery... the list continues. I run an entire department and the marketing initiatives for this company, and I'm bored to death.

I'm tired of being behind a computer. When I get to Iowa I'm going back to school for my teaching certificate and I'll stay in school to get my Masters...so I can have a more interactive, stimulating and challenging job.

If things go the way I'd like them to, I will only be seeing you guys every now and again.

Would you like my job?

 

Would you like my job?



Jeez, with a little minor editing I could sure have fun with this quote. But even I don't have the required cajones.

 

Never heard "boxing the clown", but I have heard "punching the clown". Also, flogging the bishop, running a batch, whipping up a smoothie.......

 

I will never look at a smoothie the same way again

 

Okay, since we all have enjoyed the rather long stories, here's another one:

----------------------------
Good Idea: Going with the family to your wife's work picnic
Bad Idea: Throwing wife in the pool after she squirts you with a squirt gun

Good Idea: Wearing shorts to said function
Bad Idea: NOT wearing underpants beneath shorts

Good Idea: Knowing what's really going on and retreating when wife and coworkers suddenly gather around you, to help your wife get her revenge by assisting in throwing you in the pool
Bad Idea: Jumping over the neighbor's chain link fence when access to front yard was blocked by wife.

Good Idea: Keeping your legs together when jumping over a chain link fence (Like they do on COPS!!)
Bad Idea: Trying to plant one foot on the top of the fence, and SLIPPING, landing on your crotch like a skateboarder on a rail(remember no underpants)

(yeah, it just got BAD)

Good Idea: Giving up and falling to the ground cuz you didn't make it
Bad Idea: Laying on ground in agonizing pain while wife and her coworkers stare at your bloody, ripped open shorts covering their mouths at which point you look down and realize that your nuts don't hurt from landing on the fence, they hurt cuz they're sliced open, bleedin all over.

It gets worse....

There I am in the neighbor's yard, I've now realized I've really hurt myself, I get up to walk out of this yard and realize that the neighbor's gate to the front yard is locked, I have to jump over another fence to get out!!!I go look at my nuts in the bathroom, where I saw the GASH, and cried for my wife thankful only that nothing had fallen out.

Thank you by the way to my wife for driving me to the ER to get my nuts stitched back up, and for not knowing the way to the hospital so that I could give you directions and not have to think about my bleeding nuts. Also thanks for parking in the parking ramp instead of pulling into the ER drop-off so that I had to walk with my wound scraping my shorts as I walked. And for seeing the humor in my plight.

Thanks also to the staff in the ER. Again I was glad to be able to give everybody a good laugh, the nurse who checked me in, it was hilarious when you asked me what was wrong with me and I replied "I tore up my nuts" and you laughed about finding a more delicate way of putting that on my chart, "scrotal laceration" LOL!!

The doctor who I would assume drew the short straw... You were cool, dude -- it really hurt when you had to numb everything with the needle, I hope I didn't come across as a sissy when I pounded my fists and yelped like a school girl.

Thanks again to my wife for covering the bottom half of your face when you were giggling, but it's okay I would have been laughing too, and I was.

Thanks to the two male nurses who got to clean and disinfect... One of you was still in training, and you were so uncomfortable (and I'm sure it didn't help when I gave you crap about it). But thanks for being so gentle at first, making sure that I was completely numb before you really started scrubbing. I do appreciate how thorough you were, I would have hated to get an infection because of this. I thought about asking you for a cigarette or if you wouldn't mind sharing your technique with my wife after you were done cleaning my nuts but you were uncomfortable enough.

5 stitches later and I was whole again, well mostly, I lost a really small chunk of sack. The other sad part was that I'm ready to get a vasectomy, but they "don't do that in the ER"... I asked... So I have to go through this again!

And when it was time to get the stitches out, my wife made an appointment with our new family doctor, not just a quick trip to urgent care and some random doctor who I'll never see again, our NEW family doctor since we had just moved. I got to meet her for the very first time and why was I there? To get the stitches out of my nuts, that was awkward, I'm glad my wife takes the kids to their doctor's appointments. Luckily she too had a sense of humor about it and she made it very quick and painless.

and that's how I got the nickname "Stitch Nuts"

next time I'll take being thrown in the pool

 

oh man, thats painful and funny, and painful again, and then hilarious. I love it.

 

So, it's Friday night, I'm itching to go out, have a few beers and tear it up with the misses. I find myself wishing all of us here could meet at the local pub, have a few pitchers/kegs and shoot the bull. I guess I'll have to settle for the ot. Everyone have a great weekend! I'll have a beer for you all.

 

Jason, I hadnt heard it called boxing the clown, thats a new one. Lisa, Grandpa was funny as he11 in those movies. I really liked the out takes at the end. Joe, thats funny right there. OUCH!

 

Joe my man, it coulda been worse for ya, ya coulda earned yourself the nickname one nutter!!

 

You all are trying really, REALLY hard to make it difficult for me to answer the following question......

So honey, tell me again why you insist that we NEED to actually meet these guys in person...