What did Delaware?

She wore a brand New Jersey!

 

What did Tennessee?
She saw what Arkansas.

Tim

 

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

 

Well it seems like yesterday we celebrated our 3,500th post. Announcing our 3,600th post!

Say AMEN!

 

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

"What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand
she took to drinking right after we split up those many
years ago,and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could
go on celebrating that long?"

it was at that point that i gave her a black eye.

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything!!

 

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES.(honest)

>
> 1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling
> water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove
> itself.
>
> 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else
> to hold while you chop.
>
> 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
> using the sink.
>
> 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
> for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
> to use a timer.
>
> 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
> from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
> button.
>
> 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
> will be afraid to cough.
>
> 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
> doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does,
> use the duct tape.
>
> 8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>
> Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
> ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE
> STAIRS.

 

Number 8 is Great!

 

Ya 8 is good and 7 is so true,,,lol.

 

good post, phil

 

in remembering George's trip to Disneyland, and a conversation he had with his grandson, i dedicate this joke to our fearless leader, George.

Do NOT lose your grandkids in the Mall!


A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my Grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Jack
Daniels and women with big t*ts.'

 

Why thank you Tom. That brings back fond memories.

 

A lady walks into a high class Jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her 'accident', she asks, "Sir, how much does this bracelet cost?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price."

 

fixed it for ya georgie

 

Spell check needed. hahaha