This was written by a guy...
Have a sense of humor !

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.


FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling
with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that *****
knows I'm smarter than her.

 

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless... Wrong email address. A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned
to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack…
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!






Have a great day!

 

This has to be one of the funniest country songs ever written... not the perfect one, mind you... no trains, dogs, pickup trucks or jail or divorce...


~ The Big One ~


It was a hot Sunday mornin'
Middle of July
The choir was a singin'
'Bout the sweet by and by

Everybody was a swayin'
And sweatin' in the heat
We all bowed our heads down
As the preacher took his seat

My sister and my brother
Stood next to my mother
In the quiet at the close of the verse
That's when daddy cut the big one
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church

My sister rolled her eyes back
My brother bit his lip
My cousin just behind us
Whispered, "Hey, who let it rip?"

I stuck my face in my shirtsleeve
Stared down at my shoes
Lord, you could hear a pin drop
As we stood there in the pew
Heads were turnin', eyes were burnin'

Momma stuck her nose in her purse
After daddy cut the big one
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church

He cut the big one
It was a stinker
Then he broke the silence
With a snicker
And us kids started laughin'
'Til I thought we was all gonna burst
After daddy cut the big one
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church

He said, "The devil made me do it"
Momma said it was the liverwurst
And that's why daddy cut the big one
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church

 

Bubba and Cooter were standing at the base of a flagpole in Midland and looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "But we don't have a ladder."



The blonde woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.



Cooter shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

 

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma.'

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped
out
of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat
him to death.
AMEN

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------- -


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------------------

 

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After
sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?













"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

 

WOW! lol Nice!

 

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters ! that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look! 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the paren ts.

"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

 

How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it"

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history............!!!!

 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day !

 

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".













Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee

 

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may
know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?" The guy
replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from
Dallas."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the
pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the
Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am
Father Joe, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43
years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take
this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he
gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be?" "Up here ... we go by results," says Saint Peter,
"when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."

 

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parent's room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and his dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished, dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, "Johhny, what the hell are you doing?" Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's your mom, is it?!"

 

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"