Humor in Pennsylvania
#76
01-21-2009, 06:11 PM
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Location: Fergusonville, Pa
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BODY STATISTICS
It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
The average man's p***s is three times the length of his thumb.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women who read this will be finished now.
Men who read this are still busy checking their thumbs
It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
The average man's p***s is three times the length of his thumb.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women who read this will be finished now.
Men who read this are still busy checking their thumbs
#77
01-21-2009, 06:17 PM
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A guy walked into the local Welfare Office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job..'
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will
be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your
job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and
the salary is $200,000 a year.'
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
'You're bull s**t**n' me!'
The social worker replied;
'Yeah, well … You started it.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job..'
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will
be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your
job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and
the salary is $200,000 a year.'
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
'You're bull s**t**n' me!'
The social worker replied;
'Yeah, well … You started it.
#78
01-21-2009, 06:28 PM
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Wise Old Jewish Man
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going
to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,
walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall."
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going
to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,
walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall."
#79
01-21-2009, 06:32 PM
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Location: Fergusonville, Pa
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Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows,
Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."
The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive
to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to
Brownsville.
They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El
Paso, Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo . From there
they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to
Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that
read;
"I'm Gay,"
"I Love the Dixie Chicks,"
"Boycott Beef,"
"I Voted for Obama,"
" George Strait Sucks,"
"Hillary in 2012" and,
"I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."
The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive
to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to
Brownsville.
They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El
Paso, Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo . From there
they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to
Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that
read;
"I'm Gay,"
"I Love the Dixie Chicks,"
"Boycott Beef,"
"I Voted for Obama,"
" George Strait Sucks,"
"Hillary in 2012" and,
"I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
#80
01-21-2009, 06:38 PM
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Deer Camp
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you?'
He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was the second guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof.
I sat up and watched him all night.'
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
'Good morning,' he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake.
They asked, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his *** and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night.'
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you?'
He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was the second guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof.
I sat up and watched him all night.'
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
'Good morning,' he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake.
They asked, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his *** and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night.'
#81
01-22-2009, 04:32 PM
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Word Play
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have
the ***** to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at
large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
21. A backward poet writes in-verse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects!
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have
the ***** to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at
large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
21. A backward poet writes in-verse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects!
#82
01-22-2009, 06:06 PM
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Location: Fergusonville, Pa
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THE ITALIAN SECRET FOR A LONG MARRIAGE
At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest
asked Giuseppe,who was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight
into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years..
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've
a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but
besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th
anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your
wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'
At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest
asked Giuseppe,who was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight
into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years..
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've
a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but
besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th
anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your
wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'
#84
01-22-2009, 06:36 PM
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A year in the life of a Truck Enthusiast;
January;
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February;
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....
Helllloooo!!!.........bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March;
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'
April;
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May;
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June;
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July;
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August;
Got locked out of my car in a rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September;
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it ?
October;
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November;
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December:
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
January;
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February;
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....
Helllloooo!!!.........bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March;
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'
April;
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May;
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June;
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July;
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August;
Got locked out of my car in a rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September;
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it ?
October;
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November;
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December:
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
#85
01-22-2009, 06:40 PM
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Location: Fergusonville, Pa
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#86
01-22-2009, 06:44 PM
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You're An EXTREME Redneck When....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
#87
01-22-2009, 06:46 PM
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#88
01-22-2009, 06:53 PM
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She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment.
"My eyes lit up and I thought, "I'm either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.
"Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all - right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?
She explained, "The egg timer’s broken."
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment.
"My eyes lit up and I thought, "I'm either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.
"Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all - right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?
She explained, "The egg timer’s broken."
#89
01-22-2009, 07:01 PM
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#90
01-22-2009, 07:42 PM
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BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's,
'Miracle Grow'!!!!!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's,
'Miracle Grow'!!!!!