Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder
and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,
the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year,
they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can
be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something you say. After marriage, he will fall
asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is
why wife treats the husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is
finished..

Bonus Commandment Story:
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife
leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband
decided to make a wish too, but he leaned over too far,
fell into the well and drowned. The wife was stunned for
a moment but then smiled & said, "It really works!"

 

Ahahaha, good one David

Where's the pics from the race?

 

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

' Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true....no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook, your *** is gone.'

 

What race?

We were stationed about a half mile from the track, on the other side of rt 1 near the campers.,,saw the planes fly over, saw the guys and the parachutes, and made a couple of trips to the hospital......................

thanks for the pics from the ball game

 

Ron and Jerry, two elderly friends, met in the park every day
to Feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Ron didn't show up. Jerry wasn't concerned; he thought
Ron Might have a cold or some urgent appointment.
But after Ron hadn't shown up For a week or so,
Jerry really got worried. However, since Jerry didn't know
Where Ron lived (the only time they Ever got together was at the park) he was
Unable to find out what had happened to him.

After a month had passed, Jerry figured he had seen the last of Ron.

On his next visit to the park, however, Ron was sitting on their usual
bench waiting for him.

Amazed and delighted, Jerry exclaimed, ''For crying out loud Ron, what in the world
happened to you?''

Ron replied, ''I've been in jail.''

''Jail?'' cried Jerry. ''You?! What on earth for?''

''Well,'' Ron said, ''you know Sue , that cute little blonde
Waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?''

''Yes,'' said Jerry, ''I remember her. What about her?''

''Well, one day she filed rape charges against me.

At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ''guilty.''

''The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.''

 

I GOTTA PEE ...

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were

Faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on

The Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home

they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had

nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not

want to do that. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave

that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the

women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in

bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst ...

my wife came home with no panties!!" That's nothing" said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said ....



"From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you."

 

How the Fight Started"

A man and a woman were asleep like two
innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the
morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up
from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap.
That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed,
scared and naked he jumped out the window
like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the
ground, ran through a thorn bush and then
started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up
to the bedroom and screamed at the woman,
'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were
you running?'

And that, folks............is how the fight started...

 

Ahahaha, good ones David, try this

Subject: HEALTH AND NUTRITION



After an exhaustive review of the research literature,
here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever the heck you
like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you, but
the U.S. Government is working to correct that problem.

 

'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.


If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no!'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

'Well, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did

you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replies, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'

 

 

Please tell me that this isn't a true story about you George.

 

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'.

 

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,

"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,

"Okay kid, my last offer!

I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

"Look Dad" "Your the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley"! "YOU RIDE IT!"

 

And old man is at the doctor, getting his test results.

The doctor says "I have bad news for you. You have cancer, and you have Alzheimers"

The old man quips "Well, at least I ain't got cancer!"

 

A strawberry blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!