My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
While we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have sex?'


'No!' she answered.

I then said, ' Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said,


'I'd like to phone a FRIEND.'



That's the last thing I remember.


Darn woman, she has absolutely

NO sense of humor!!!!!!

Hymn #365

This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nea rly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

i like this one the best;The Purina Diet?



I was at Wall-Mart the other day and I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow

for my dog and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had?

Well it was hard to keep my mouth shut. I wanted to say no that I used it for snacks to feed

my grandkids when they are staying with me. But I got control of myself and told her

that I didn’t have a dog. But that since I retired that I was gaining a lot of weigh and that

I was going to start the Purina Diet again.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works

is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two

every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was

going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line

was by now enthralled with my story.)

Then I told her that I probably shouldn't start the diet again, because I'd ended up in

the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 40 pounds before I awakened in an intensive

care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a bus hit us both.

iI thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

Recently, I was diagnosed with Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder.
>
>
> This is how it manifests:
>
> I decide to water my garden.
>
> As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
> I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
>
> As I start toward the garage,
> I notice mail on the porch table that
> I brought up from the mail box earlier.
>
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys on the table,
> put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
> and notice that the can is full.
> So, I decide to put the bills back
> on the table and take out the garbage first.
>
> But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
> when I take out the garbage anyway,
> I may as well pay the bills first.
>
> I take my check book off the table,
> and see that there is only one check left.
>
> My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to
> my desk where
> I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my checks,
> but first I need to push the Coke aside
> so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>
> The Coke is getting warm,
> and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
> a vase of flowers on the counter
> catches my eye--they need water.
>
> I put the Coke on the counter and
> Discover my reading glasses that
> I've been searching for all morning.
>
> I decide I better put them back on my desk,
> But first I'm going to water the flowers.
>
> I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water
> and suddenly spot the TV remote.
> Someone left it on the kitchen table.
>
> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for
the
> remote,
> but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
> so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
> but first I'll water the flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the

> floor.
>
> So, I set the remote back on the table,
> get some towels and wipe up the spill.
>
> Then, I head down the hall trying to
> remember what I was planning to do.
>
> At the end of the day:
>
> the car isn't washed
>
> the bills aren't paid
>
> there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
>
> the flowers don't have enough water,
>
> there is still only 1 check in my check book,
>
> I can't find the remote,
>
> I can't find my glasses,
>
> and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
>
> Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
> I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
> and I'm really tired.
>
> I realize this is a serious problem,
> and I'll try to get some help for it,
> but first I'll check my e-mail....
>
> Do me a favor.
> Forward this message to everyone you know,
> because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
>
> Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming

9 WORDS WOMEN USE


1. Fine: This is the word women use to
end an argument when they are right and you
need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting
dressed, this means a half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just
been given five more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the
storm. This means something, and you should be
on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not
permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word,
but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she
thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is
wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the
meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most
dangerous statements a women can make to a man.
That's okay means she wants to think long and
hard before deciding how and when you will pay
for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do
not question, or Faint. Just say you're
welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying
F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is
something that a woman has told a man to do
several times, but is now doing it herself.
This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

An Oklahoma man was stopped by a game warden in the Ozark Mountains recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch
those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!

"The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Oklahoma may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.

Grandma's Boyfriend
>>
>> A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
>>
>> Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he
>> looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now
>> that Grandpa went to heaven?'
>>
>> Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
>> bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
>
>> good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
>> boyfriend.'
>>
>> Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
>> adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
>> she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
>>
>> The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
>
>> and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is
>> your Grandma home?'The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom
>> bangin' her boyfriend.'
>>
>> The minister fainted.

First-year students at Texas A& Vet School were
>>>
>>> receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
>>>
>>> They all gathered around the surgery table with the
>>>
>>> body covered with a white sheet.
>>>
>>> The professor started the class by telling them, "In
>>>
>>> Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important
>>>
>>> qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be
>>>
>>> disgusted by anything involving the animal body.
>>>
>>> For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,
>>>
>>> stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow,
>>>
>>> withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
>>>
>>> "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students
>>>
>>> The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes.
>>>
>>> But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the
>>>
>>> anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
>>>
>>> When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
>>>
>>> and told them "The second most important quality is
>>>
>>> observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked
>>>
>>> on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
> husbands.
>
> On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,
> I'm still a virgin".
>
> "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
> married ten times?"
> "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
> great it's going to be.
>
> Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
> was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
> to me.
>
> Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
> diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
>
> Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,

>he didn't know
> when he would be able to deliver.

> Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
> three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
> method.
>
> Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew
> how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
>
> Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
> sure how to position it.
>
> Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

> Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

> Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ..... God, I
>miss him!

> But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
>
> "Good," said the husband, "but why?"
>
> "You're an IRS agent . ..... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

yea Randy, glad i can help, the 25s are just a hotter plug if i remember right. love the jokes there funny

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party . We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird . My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit .

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So , she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed . I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car . . .

One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies. He
> immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

> "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but
> I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
> you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't
> quite
> as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
> place.
> I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
>
> Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
> the first room.
>
> In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and
> surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and
> surfaced with nothing.. Such was his fate in hell.
> "No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
> think I could do that all day long."
>
> The devil led him to the door of the next room.
>
> In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he
> did was swing that hammer, time after time after time..
>
> "No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented
> Jesse.

>
> The devil opened a third door.
>
> Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over
> his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him
> was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
>
> Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man,
I can handle this."
>
> The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . .





> "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

lol, i'll have to stop this,before i get kicked off

lol randy those are all very funny, you see the ones i posted this morning?

yep, well maybe a few more,lol