Man you guys are beter than comedy central!

Okay beat this...Chuck Noris's tears could cure cancer, the problem is that he's never cried.

Damn that's funny!!

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny
on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the
name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on
the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. "Your horse phoned

I hate computers!!!

> >Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went
> >into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to
> >assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
> >the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see
> >what I am doing!'Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there',
> >said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think
> >theres another one coming.'Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a
> >baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!'
> >Said the doctor.Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'N o,
> >don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another
> >one coming!' cried the doctor.The redneck scratched his head in
> >bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . . . .'You reckon it might be the
> >light that's attractin' 'em?'

Ouch!!! That's harsh...But fricken hilarious!! LOLOLOLOl:-missingt:-missingt

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I
selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee, and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw
nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have
tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA....Ouch that hurts.

Why Parents Drink??
> >
> >
> >The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but
> had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with
> one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone
> number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
> >
> >
> >
> >'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
> >
> >
> >
> >' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
> >
> >May I talk with him?'
> >
> >
> >
> >The child whispered, ' No .'
> >
> >
> >
> >Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your
> Mommy there?' ' Yes '
> >
> >
> >
> >'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
> >
> >
> >
> >Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
> asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
> >
> >
> >
> >' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '
> >
> >
> >
> >Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
> asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
> >
> >
> >
> >' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
> >
> >
> >
> >'Busy doing what?'
> >
> >
> >
> >' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered
> answer.
> >
> >
> >
> >Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
> the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
> >
> >
> >
> >' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
> >
> >
> >
> >'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
> >
> >Again, whispering, the child answered,
> >
> >?
> >
> >' The search team just landed a helicopter '
> >
> >
> >
> >Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are
> they searching for?'
> >
> >
> >
> >Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
> >
> >?
> >
> >' ME . '

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the vis itor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

That is so true.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER


1. Sag, you're It.


2. Hide and go pee.


3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.


4. Kick the bucket


5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.


6. Musical recliners.


7. Simon says something incoherent.


8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy


SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :


1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.


2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.


3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.


OLD IS WHEN:


1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.


4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.


5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!


Thoughts for the weekend


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?


Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.


If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!


Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


But Most Of All, Remember !


A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
============

Ponderisms


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?


In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"


Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed
when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and
he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he
should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when
available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned
the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people stealing things from m y shed Well, you don't have to worry about
them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minu tes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit,
and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the
burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'


Dont mess with old folks!!!