If you got em, tell em. No profane or racist material, follow the FTE guidelines for posting in the general forums remember the eight year old rule.

I took this from the Club FTE Joke thread, having been a contractor for a number of years and knowing a few engineers this cracked me up. To any of our chapter members that may be of this ilk, read and laugh.

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

Had this one e-mailed to me;

>Brokeback Mountain Wife
>A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed
an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One
was gay and the other a drunk.She thought long and hard about it, and when no
one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to
have him around the house than the drunk.He proved to be a hard worker who put
in long hours every day and knew alot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them
worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.Then one day, the rancher's widow
said "You have done a really good job,and the ranch looks great. You should go
into town and kick up your heels"The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town on Saturday night.He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her"Unbutton my blouse and take
it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she directed."Now take off my boots." He
did as she asked, ever so slowly."Now take off my socks." He removed each gently
and placed them neatly by her boots."Now take off my skirt." He slowly
unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light."Now take off my
bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.Then she looked at him and said "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're
fired!"

 

And another, more to come.

>Vincent Van GoghAfter much careful research it has been discovered that the
>artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
>
>His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
>
>His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
>
>The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
>
>The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
>
>The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
>
>The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
>
>The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh.
>
>His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
>
>His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
>
>The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
>
>The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
>
>The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
>
>The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
>
>The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
>
>His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
>
>The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
>
>An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
>
>The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
>
>A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.
>
>His Italian uncle, Day Gogh.
>
>And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay
>Gogh. -------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

We've all heard about people having guts or *****. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home
late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and
having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

***** - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the ***** to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is
no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death

 

Another one from The OFFICIAL New and Improved "Club FTE Members Only FORUM" Joke Thread.

Rodney Dangerfield's 21 best lines
1 . I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with .

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.

3 During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel .

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly... My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through."

11. I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He
said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He
said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt be cause in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

BONUS: When I was a kid I asked my father to take me ice skating. He said, "Wait 'till it gets warm".

Join Club FTE and you too can solve all of the worlds societal woe's, comment on your favorite political or religious agenda. Read thought provoking posts, tell a joke or just get downright frivolous.

 

Another e-mail gem;


Subject: Snow Warning....




Early one winter morning while listening to the radio, Leroy and his wife Carol hear the announcer say,

"We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Carol goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
says," We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Carol goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says,"We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today so you must park... " Then the electric power goes out.

Carol is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park
on so the plow can get through?"

With the love & understanding in his voice, like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Leroy says,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

Subject: A Wise Man Once Said ...

"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but
doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a
government program"

"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."

"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."

- Ronald Reagan

 

(Dukes of Hazard, the movie) What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion? A peice of a ss that'll bring a tear to your eye.

Blonde and a Brunette are sittin at a bar watching the 6:00 news. A guy is threatening to jump off of a building. The brunette says, I bet you 50 bucks he jumps. The blonde says, Il take that bet. So there watching and finally the guy jumps off the buildin. So the blonde pays up. The brunette feeling wrong says, I cant take your money, i knew he was going to jump off, i watched the 5:00 news. The blonde says no no no you keep it, i watched the 5:00 news also, but i didnt think he would jump again.....

Guy gets stranded on a deserted island with a dog and a sheep. After a few weeks the guy is really "desperate". So he goes to mount the sheep and the dog runs up, bites him and knocks him down. This happens for the next few weeks, he trys to mount the sheep the dog runs up bites him, and knocks him down. Then this gorgeous blonde gets stranded on the same island. The man revives her, and saved her life (she almost drowned). She said mister, for saving my life, il do Anything, i mean ANYTHING for you. He looks at her with a long pause and says........ How bout holding that dog for about 10 minutes.

STEELER JOKE!!!
A steeler fan is driving across this icey bridge one night, and at the same time a browns fan is driving across the same bridge. They both slide and hit each other. The steelers fan is very upset and so is the browns fan. They got out and after a few minutes, they decided they shouldnt be argueing. So they said to each other, lets be friends. So the browns fan shakes the steeler fans hand. each others hands. Then the browns fan says, lets switch jerseys, so they switch jerseys. Then the steelers fan says lets drink to this. So the steelers fan goes to his car, grabs a bottle of jack daniels, and hands it to the browns fan. The browns fan drinks down half of it, and hands it to the steelers fan, and says in a very drunken way, ok now ur turn. The steeler fan looks at him, grins and says nah, then throws the bottle over the bridge, and says, i think il just wait for the cops to show up.

 

E-MAIL FROM JOE OF ALTOONA.


Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts,

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



PART 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

Suck in gut and look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your weiner and scratch your ***.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs! stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Suck in gut and admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on her pillow.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day!



Oh, and....WOO,WOO!!!

 

soondg, that was great, planning on joining the club just haven't found a moment to steal the money from my duster and truck. I made my wife read the showering comparrison because i was laughing so uncontrolably. now she knows that when i flash my wiener and go woo,woo that i am normal. woo,woo two. thanks, Dan

 

Posted by Bdox in ClubFTE;

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," "Me neither doc," said the husband.. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."



A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.



This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "*******" afterwards".

 

Another from the guy in Altoona;

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.

It says: Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look short.

 

Just my 2 cents.....

Two blondes walk into a building.......












I cant believe niether of them seen it.

 

i think you guys will like th is one. I have a large piece of property in upstate ny and last weekend my wife and i went up there. I was sitting under the big tree on my adirondak chair with the umbrella the radio playing and a cooler of beer. i had my feet up and she was riding back and forth on the lawn tractor bouncing along in the 95 plus degree heat. the neighbor lady saw this and came storming up the driveway and stood in front of me with her hands on her hips and screamed at me "You should be hung!!" i calmly looked at her twisted a top off a nice ice cold beer took a swig and said " I am thats why shes mowing the lawn"

 

Another Joe from Altoona Gem,

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up aconversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,"What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained,"one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.

" Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."