CAREFUL this thread could easily turn into "Dear Matt"....

Duane - I actually have a degree in Sociology. It's an associates, so I nominate my self (and the voices in my head) as FTE Kansas Chapter Phyciatrist
.

 

SO Matt has multiple personality Disorder. I just hope his alter ego isn't a Teenage Nigerian Hooker Named Sa-CLick-CLick-Ula.

 

Dear Duane,

Why do you keep referring to Donkeys? Do you have a fetish for them? Should we all? What are we missing here?

 

contrary to popular belief, it does not take crack junkies to break ATMs, in fact some very well College educated people seem to do as much damage as can possibly be done.

 

Dear Duane,

I am thinking about becoming a vegetarian, because I love animals so much. My mom says that it takes alot of fancy school, and lots of money to pay for that school. I just know its my destiny, I can't wait till I get my G.E.D. so that I can start attending one of those fancy schools Aunt Esther has always been telling me about. I think I would be good at it, because I keep getting bitten by rabbid squirrells and coons and never get any sicker.
Uncle Floydd says that if I like animals so much I should be like him and be a vetanarian, but I don't think I am ready to give up eating those rabbid squirrels yet.
What would you do?

 

Dear Duane,

Why do driving cars have to be so difficult, I bought a new 1989 Geo Metro, and I can bearly fit in the door. Also the suspension is so weak that when I am sitting in the car, I can hear the door jam rub on the ground. Once I am in the car, I can't find the steering wheel because my stomach flops over it, which also makes it hard to see out the front window. I think I found the gear shift, but it might have been the TV remote under my third fat fold. When I go to start the car, the engine revs all the way up right away. I think something is setting on the accelerator pedal but I can't see it.

Signed your friend,
Stay Puff Marshmallow Man.

 

Dear Duane,

According to your emails, PMs, and hate mail, I get the feeling I annoy you. I just want to be sure that, this feeling is what you are really trying to portray, or whether you are just venting on me. Remember I am here for ya buddy! I am always a shoulder to cry on.

so to my question,
I am standing here at KFC trying to make up my mind should I buy original recipe or extra crispy?

 

Dear Duane,

There is no reason for you to get so hostile toward me, I took the joke about the flaming bag of poop on the front door lightly, but spray painting Chevy lover on my mailbox is going too far. I thought we were friends until you gave me a black eye and had the police restrain me.

Blissfully yours,
Flip

 

Dear Duane,

The other day I was helping a carpenter nail up a wall, I got three nails in the wall real good but I couldn't get the last one in. The other carpenter came over to me and shook his head.. turns out that I was using a nail for the other side of the wall. Why don't they have the nails separated? One for this side of the wall, and ones for the other? Instead they put them all in one bag, heck I have even seen some for the ceiling and floor in there, all in the same bag. This is confusing.

Please explain,

Dr. Richard Noggin OBGYN. MD. Rocket Scientist.

 

Hey Quit signing my name!!!!! :-) (Blackeye hell!! -- DEATHTOUCH RULES!!!!!)

 

Dear Duane,

I was sitting at Taco Bell a couple weeks ago minding my own business, when a sause package slipped out of my hand and accidently hit a guy in the back of the head. I felt really bad, so when he turned around and gave me the look of death, I simply appologized and tried to go on my merry way, but then the big ballooka got up and started yelling profanity at me. I simply tried to turn the other cheek, but he stabbed me in the throat with some majic death touch. It was like kryptonite to Superman, I dropped like a choir boy before church. My friend wanted to run out, because he feared for his life but that guy just gave him the look and he was completely scared.
I can't believe that Taco Bell let this happen in their restaraunt, those women behind the register should have come out and protected me.
Its a good thing the police showed up when they did, because I had to get to the homeless shelter and pass out soup as a volunteer, after I dropped my friends off at the retirement community for them to help keep some seniors company.
What is this mean old world coming to?
Signed,
a really nice guy

 

Oh that's just wrong...

 

Was it the Vulcan Death touch or a A Flip death touch?

 

Dear Duane,

I have a friend who is looking for a part on his 89 Bronco II. He got the truck for free, but then killed it by running it out of gas. He claims to be a Mechanic, but sometimes I am not so sure. Anyhoo Will this one help?
eBay Motors: NEW FUEL PUMP 90-96 FORD BRONCO F150 F250 F350 E2059M (item 400021940987 end time Feb-02-09 15:35:27 PST)

I hope so...

Signed He ain't got no gas, Pocatello, ID

 

Dear Duane,

That "really nice guy" is starting to step over the line by making fun of old people and folks that live in or might be close to living in a retirement community. Can't you censor this to prevent that kind of mean politically incorrect behavior.

Signed,
Geezer