Dear Duane,

I am a Hispanic-CHinse American,
I keep getting teased because I have an abnormally large apendage. They call me Tripod, Big Meat, or Footlong. ... How can I ever become normal and not be teased...

Signed,
Juan Hung Lo

 

Dear Duane,

I have dreams of killing my mother in law. The voices in my head say there is nothing wrong with this but I wanted your opinion.....

Mr. C. Manson

 

Dear Duane,
Thank you for the advice, but I do not see how transplanting that particular organ will help me much in life. Tell me more about this donor you have found.... And I feel your pain, with them calling you stubby, and Micro P P all your life.

Juan Hung Lo

 

Dear Duane,

I am am writing about my husband we'll call... "Fordnut" He just can't seem to do enough for me... in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. He never picks up his dirty shorts or socks, never makes the bed, and never puts clothes in his dresser. I have never seen him vacuum in there either. Not once since we have been married has there been a mint on my pillow....I am so tied of him not doing anything right in the bedroom. Is there some kind of fear label for this? Bedaroomaphobia??

Signed,
Fed up (name hwithheld by request from Lynn)

 

Dear Duane,

Really? I can get away with Killing my mother in law as long as I take out another mother in law too? Thank You Thank you I will go to the address you gave me today. Man I can't wait... Did you want a suviner when I get back from NE/KS.. SE Nebraska?

Mr. C. Manson

 

Dear Duane,
I know the Same guy as Gas Mask in the above post. Beano doesn't seem to work he is imune! I heard he tried to blame the smell on a little girl driving down the road. What an evil guy...

Your Friend,
My Farts Smell like Roses,

 

Dear Duane,

My girlfriend has been cheating on me with her husband, and its really starting to irritate me, I thought we had this monogamous relationship, but I found out she has been sleeping with him again. I realize that they share the same last name, but do they have to share the same bed? I just can't catch a break anymore, just when I think I have really found the perfect girl, they always tend to get involved with somebody else. Take my last relationship for instance. It was with my receptionist, I know she is married, and I know her husband, because he is my best friend, but I thought we had an understanding, she spent her days with me, and her nights with him. I was excited that I got to spend the waking hours with her, and she slept all the time she was with him. That is how I knew she wouldn't do anything with him. A few months later, she did, and she started talking to me about how he just couldn't satisfy her anymore.. Why was she trying? She had me.. I was willing to let it go, and everything was going fine until my wife found out.

Why can't I get a girl to commit?
Heartbroken and lonely in Utah.

 

Dear Duane,

I googled a picture of you today, I was right, your head does look like a soccer ball. Well, I signed up for soccer practice, I feel like we have really gotten to know each other over the years, and want you to join the soccer team with me. I promise not to kick you in the head too many times, after all, once should be enough, as long as it is hard enough. I am more forgiving than I may come across, because all my soccer friends say that you gave me such bad advice that you are the reason I ended up in the pokey, and was repeated beaten and abused by the inmates and guards.

So c'mon, be a sport and join the soccer team with me. See ya soon, been real nice chatting with you. Oh... and by the way.... I bought a new pair of soccer cletes.. Hope you get a chance to see them.

See ya soon!
Soccer Fan #1

 

Dear Duane,

Its your old buddy Gas Mask here... I don't know if you recall, but I was thinking back to the problem with my friend, and his plumbing problems, turns out that the green fog didn't go away after he left, in fact it lingered for months afterwards in my vehicle. I guess it just goes back to the theory that there is a cow lot on every corner.

I see that Soccer Fan guy has been writing you again, you need to avoid that guy like the plague. He is one scary son of a gun. I think he might be obsessed with you.
I disagree on his views of communism and mascism. I think everyone should be allowed to have 10 or twenty cars up on jacks in their front yards.

By the way, what is the best way to get blood out of white soccer cleats?

 

Dear Duane,

I was shopping with my wife the other day and she pulled me into the feminine protection aisle, which embarassed me very badly. She seemed to think that it was ok, and that "All guys" do it on occasion, but I can't get her to step foot in the Harbour Freight store. I believe she is referring back to a time when someone mentioned Harbour Freight and said it was a "Real Manly Store". She must have gotten the impression that it had strippers and porno in it, and now she won't even let me go.
I told her it was a store for tools, and her reply was "Is that what the guys are calling them nowa days?" It seems like all of her friends feel the same way, and won't let their husbands go there either.
Or maybe it just all boils down to the statement I made a few years ago, about "things get erect when I come out of that store." But I was really referring to the new tool shed, countertops, and guest bedroom, I built with the tools I bought from there.

Maybe its a self esteem issue?

 

Dear Duane,

My husband is scaring me, he has been typing all kinds of things on this post and laughing and giggling all day. I think for him to come up with this stuff he must be a schizo. Should I be worried?

Scared out of my mind,
Anonymous (requested by Julie)

 

Dear Duane,


I think my wife is sneaking around looking for something on my computer, I caught her on it a little while ago and I think she has been messing around with a website I belong to, do you think she is trying to catch me in the act of doing something?
What should I do?

By the way I have been a reader of your column for years, and I think its great that you came out of the closet!

I especially enjoyed your column about stuffing socks down your pants to make your thingy look bigger. I hope the transplant goes well for you, and that you recover quickly.

just wondering,
Julie's husband

 

Ok guys... I will stop if you want, or if you think I have gone overboard... just give me the word and I will stop.. but just havin fun here, don't intend to hurt anyone's feelings or offend anyone.

Garden Spyder

 

I can stop any time I really can.....




Really.. Just any time I decide that enough is enough, I can STOP..



Just like that I will cease.



I can quit at any time.




U just say the word and I am done.




I will finish when required, or needed, or wanted.





Yep... can stop at any time.....




Any time I want.... Or any time you want.




Yep.. sure can.



Any time.

 

Dear Duane,

I have a friend that likes to type alot of junk on the computer, but never has anything to say, how do I let him know people are tired of reading his posts?




friend of a real annoying guy..