I want to thank everyone for all of the kind words and sentiments.
I have not dealt with this yet....I have a huge void in my life right now and I will be faced with reality on Tuesday.
I made the trip from WV to IL yesterday, it was uneventful (thank goodness)....now comes the wait.
My parents had 10 children between them, Daddy was married three times...Ricky and Sis were from Momma Jo (first wife)...my child molesting brother, Robbie, was from Clarene (second wife)....and then there were six of us from his third marriage to my momma, Nancy......(I am the oldest, little sister the youngest....four boys in between). My unwed momma also had a daughter before me, given up for adoption at birth, Brenda.
Ricky was a 'set in his ways' hippie.....AND HE WAS FREAKIN AWESOME!!!!! He did things in his younger days that a lot of people do, yet he paid the price for getting caught. At the age of 18, my momma caught him in 'her' house with some pot....she was pissed (of course) because he brought it in her home and around her children (even though none of us knew it was there) and she had him arrested.....well, Daddy (being known for who he was and momma forcing him to play the card) made sure he was locked up......he spent 3 years in prison for it and was forbidden to return to 'her' home as long as the children were under 18.
My parents forbid any of us contact with him, and of course with most of us being too young anyways, we listened.....they didnt know I wrote to him in prison, I sent letters to momma Jo and she forwarded them to him, I told him to never answer a letter to me, but he wrote to me through his momma.......and she always relayed his words
I was turning 14 when he was released from prison, he left IL and moved to Texas with Sis......I wrote to the both of them, sending his notes in with her letters so that my parents would never know....and then when I was graduating from high school, Daddy asked me what I wanted for my gift......
He offered me a new car (I already had a 1980 Camaro) and had no desire for a new car, he offered me ANY dollar amount, just give him a price (money CANNOT {never has, never will} buy anyone happiness), he offered to buy me a home in the college town I was moving to (I had already lined up living arrangements in an on-campus dorm) and didnt need a house, ANYTHING he said, ANYTHING he kept saying....JUST ASK.
So, without hesitation, I asked him to send me to Texas to see my brother and sister for a week. THAT is all I wanted was to be with them!!! He was shocked and I think he realized how badly I had been hurt for so many years after having my brother taken away from me. He said to let him think, and let him talk to my momma.....I knew the answer would be "NO!"
He asked me when I was set to start classes, I told him in three weeks....he asked when I wanted to go to Texas, I told him ASAP.....he told me to give him two days for an answer. I waited patiently....all my friends had new cars, new clothes, new college homes, diamond rings and necklaces, silly little trivial things that meant NOTHING to me....they all kept asking me what I got for graduation, my only reply was "happiness, in a few days"....they all thought I was crazy.....
Daddy came to me with a question, "what will happen if I have to say no?"....I answered honestly, "I will go anyway, I will empty my account and drive down there alone, it is all I want, I want NOTHING more." He knew I was serious and momma almost left him for going against her wishes after they discussed it......
I ended up in Texas for a week.....it was the best time of my short 17 years that I had ever lived....I got to know my brother and sister and learned to love unconditionally on that adventure.....Ricky was a 'shrimper' and still heavy into drugs and had become an alcoholic.....Sis ran a motel that she owned and was a tremendous support to him....it is from her that I learned about unconditional love.....I was disgusted by who my oldest (and favorite) brother had become.....I thought I would never survive the week, he came to me the last day, sober and under no other influence and said to me "Tam-tam, you love me, you always have. I dont know why you believe in me, but YOU have helped me pull through some tough times just by being in my heart. You talked to me in my mind on some occassions that I should have ended up in the ground, and you pulled me back. I would stumble and fall again, and just when I thought there was no where else for me to turn, I would get a letter from you. YOU, little sister, are my guardian angel. Dont ever let anyone tell you that I dont love you and that you dont matter. I love ya, girl!"
The next day, I didnt want to go, I tried everything to stop time, and I still had to go to Houston to catch a plane.....we kept in touch through writings, me more than him (men dont like to write...LOL), for every four or five letters I would send, he would return one to me.....
he has one son, Justin, and two beautiful daughters, Sarah and Christina......he also has one grandson and a set of twins grandbabies due in Feb......he lived a rough live, by choice, and even spent four years living on the streets in Houston before deciding it was time to clean up and settle down........he moved away from the rathole that had become his living hell......and landed in New Haven, MO at the end of Oct 2008.....
he called me Christmas morning.......it was the GREATEST gift I had received in a long time.......you could hear it in his voice, his newfound life, the hope he held for the future.....he was even talking about marrying his girlfriend (she spent three of those years on the streets with him).....he had an apartment, his own phone, a maintenance job, and was working on finding a car or truck.....but most importantly he was so proud to be able to give me his address!!
one week later................................
I lost my brother....I will say goodbye one final time, and then await the moment I can once again say hello.....I will bury my brother on Tues, 1-6-09.......along with his body will go a very large part of my heart.....
thank you, for letting me ramble on......and for listening
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
