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Chris! You're from Wasilla!!!???!!! You're the most famous guy I know!!!
I thought the Alaska chapter would be burning up the boards after Lady Palin got nominated for Veep!!!
Your Governor is likely headed for bigger and better things. Kudos!
glruff. We have civilian domestic violence counselors attached to the department. A few years ago, that joke (2 black eyes) was tried on one of them in roll call in my division.....It didn't go over too well......
"The first panacea for a mismanaged nation is inflation of the currency; the second is war. Both bring a temporary prosperity; both bring a permanent ruin. But both are the refuge of political and economic opportunists." (Ernest Hemingway)
1. when she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better" this
will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.
2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
(or if she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really really hard until she
cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)
3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls
are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.
4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she
is, say "you better be" , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this
will show her you care.
5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and
every girl needs some improvement.
6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then
when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because
jewelry is for pussies and cheap hookers.
7. if youre talking to another girl, make sure your girlfriend is
looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words @#%$ you and
grab the other girls ***. Girls love competition.
8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she
thinks it's going to be really special. then take her to a burning tire
yard. when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and
now you're really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when
she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean
over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."
9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those
10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.
11. warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket...
then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you
don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching
about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the
13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?
14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home
and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.
15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
16. if you care about her, never ever tell her. this will only give her
self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep
down desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes,
earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the
pair. This way shell go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order, interrupt
and say "no she's not hungry". make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy
that speaks for her.
19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a
20. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell
on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell. you know what i'm
21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. She'll say no it's
just the rain. ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to
"stop crying you @#%$ baby". Girls like a tough man as i've already
22. Titty twisters and plenty of them. When she gets mad tell her to
"grow up and learn to laugh a bit."
23. if youre listening to music on headphones, and she asks to hear it,
tell her no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.
24. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her
material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that
she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can
25. when she gives you a present on your birthday, christmas, or just
when ever, take it and tell her you love it. then next time you know
she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the
present visibly sticking out of the can. girls actually don't like this
one that much but i think it's funny.
26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,
promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This
will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call
you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really
excited. Now don't call! That will be so funny!
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