I'll start it off.

It happened at the Denver Airport This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too."

 

Another one


Stun Gun

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for your wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking
for a little something "extra" for my wife.

I came across a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety
. . . WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh-and-blood moving
target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for a fraction of
a second) and then thought
better of it. She's such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "NO
possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . .
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY
hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER
OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and
over, and over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, ********* nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a "one- second burst", when
you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%# .
. that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh, and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for
my *********. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

May you have a wonderful day !

 

HAVE YOU SEEN MY MOOSE?

Without the picture, this would be hard to believe.

Unbelievable! Read under the picture...










Pogo Moose Incident - Fairbanks , Alaska

"They were laying new power cables which were strung on the ground for miles. The moose are rutting right now and very agitated. He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables. When the men (miles away) began pulling the lines up with their big equipment, the moose went up with them. They noticed excess tension in the lines and went searching for the problem. He was still alive when they lowered him to the ground. He was a huge 60 inch bull and slightly peeved!"

 

dont see the pic

 

It's there now.

 

SILK PAJAMAS
A man calls home to his wife and says, 'Honey I have been
asked to
Fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for
Fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good
Opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so
could
You please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....and also
get
Out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at
4:30pm
From the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things
Up.'
'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good
wife,
She does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but,
Otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and
asks if
He caught many fish?
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked
you to do?
You'll love the answer...
The wife replies, I did, they're in your tackle box.

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

Here's one for ya'll:

Guy was at the doctor getting a physical.
Doctor and his nurse assistance were in the room when the doctor told the guy to drop his pants.
The nurse began giggling because the guy had a tattoo on his member that said shorty's.
Well, the doctor finished up the physical and the guy left.
The doctor then started talking to his nurse assisstant telling her 'why don't you go see what 'shorty's' is all about'?
She said I don't even know him, I don't know.....
Doctor replyed, it never stopped you before, and they left it at that.

Well a few days latter the nurse came into work with her hair all messed up, and the same dress from the day before full of wrinkles.
The doctor asked her what happened to you?

She replyed, rememeber shorty?
Well, that wasn't it.... It was

"Shorty's Bar and Grill Jackson, Mississippi"

 

That's a good one MBBFord.

 

Hey! I just got promoted from Junior to Senior.!!!

 

Thanks!

Congrads you senior user you!

 

Thanks, compared to you and a bunch of others.. Kinda small fish in the big pond. But I'm working on it.

 

You do what you got a do

 

A lawyer and a Cajun are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if the Cajun would like to play a fun game.
The Cajun is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely refuses and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the Cajun's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Cajun doesn't say a word, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Cajun's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air-phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Cajun and hands him $500.

The Cajun pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Cajun up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?".

The Cajun reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Gotta watch them Cajuns!

 

Heres one for people that have to fly verry often


Have you ever sat on a plane, next to an irritating seat-mate who keeps
talking to you and snooping at everything you read?

Next time, just follow these simple instructions And get ready to enjoy your
well-deserved privacy:


1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop, and open it.
3. Start up.
4. Make sure the guy annoying you can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky. Take a very deep
Breath...
6. Then open this web address...

http://tinyurl.com/34fzpf