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  #1  
Old 08-16-2008, 02:07 PM
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Help with fiancee

Hey everyone,
Heres the deal. I'm having difficulty understanding my fiancee's logic. At the same time, I am deployed so I think the situation multiplies the problem.

A little history, she has had insecurity problems in the past.

I was up at the phones talking to her, she asked where I was, I said "same place I'm always at when I call you, the MWR" she then says because she heard a girl laughing in the background. Now there are 8 booths, sometimes there are females...so what? But I looked around and didnt see any and told her so (in a polite way). She changed her attitude, I asked what was wrong and she said that I treat her like a moron becuase she "knows" she heard one.

A few minutes later I tell her that my time is about up, that I am going to work out. She asks "what do you wear", and "are there ever any girls up there?" I tell her that I wear my PT's and sometimes there are girls up there. She then says "thats all I needed to know"

Then she makes the assumption that I must be meeting people up there since I go at about the same time every day. Which isnt true, there are about 3 of us that go from our squad and thats just the time we all are able to go.

To me, this is insecurity at its worst, and I don't know what to do about it.
Do I just chalk it up to her having a hard time?

I called her back a few hours later, she said she was about to leave (shes at the beach with her parents). I said "ok..." and she follows with "I will talk to you later, bye" and hangs up.

I'm at a loss....
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Old 08-16-2008, 02:15 PM
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Jealousy os a very bad thing, in the end it never works out. Try to deal with this now because it will destroy what could be a good marriage...the wifey and myself are temporary separated for this very reason.

Good luck.
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Old 08-16-2008, 03:46 PM
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How many times have I got to tell you not to call her with a girl on your lap? You should have said,,oh,dont worry that is only Monica,,working her desk job! Ok,,,seriously,,This is a tough row to hoe,,,Who knows what her friends might be saying,,oh,,he has girls over there,,,he is doing this,,he is doing that. Not much you can do about that type of situation. The only thing you can do is try and talk.. Communication is the key. Maybe even send her a picture or two of the environment you are in while you are talking. It would give her a better in site as to why it would be possible that she might hear a womans voice in the back ground. The main thing is,,,talk,,dont hold back,,,trust me,,I speak from experience,,holding back and not bringing things out into the open causes them to fester and grow. Now if you will excuse me,,I am done being serious,,it gives me a headache!
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Old 08-16-2008, 04:32 PM
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thats pretty insecure to think your bonin' some chicks while deployed.
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Old 08-16-2008, 05:07 PM
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Dude tell her its hard enough being away from her, let along having to deal with her insecurities!

Myself I wouldnt put up with too much of it, life is way to short.
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Old 08-16-2008, 05:37 PM
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If she has an issue with separation, then she shouldn't be with anyone in the military. This is something she needs to work out, and not something for you to fix. I've been in this same spot, albeit not as far (and not being shot at really), but my fiance gave me tons of crap over not calling at a pre-set time, going out and doing stuff and so on. Once she moved out here and realized that I had actually settled into a fairly boring routine she had to create this chaos she perceived, and things went bad quick.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, unless the heart is jealous.
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Old 08-16-2008, 07:28 PM
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I know she is your fiancee,but you need to decide right now if you want to put up with this the whole marriage. probably not going to change. do you want her thinking you are with someone else every time you are 5 minutes late from somewhere?
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Old 08-16-2008, 08:03 PM
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If you two cannot trust each other now, what will it be like later? I realize it is hard on her to be seperated, but she has to be able to trust you and deal with it. Maybe the next time she tells you she is going someplace with her family or friends, you should tell her you wish you were there to go with her. Remind her where you are, and leet her know you love her and trust her. You know there are men around her, at her job, in the stores, etc. Remind her you love her and are looking forward to the day you won't be seperated. Good luck!
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Old 08-16-2008, 08:24 PM
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I have the highest respect for people serving our country, and the fact that you're deployed and her main concern is that you are meeting other girls, is pretty dang selfish on her part. Her focus should be your safety and when she sees you again, not her own insecurities. And:

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This is something she needs to work out, and not something for you to fix.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
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Old 08-16-2008, 08:45 PM
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...This is something she needs to work out, and not something for you to fix...
Hear! Hear!!! One person simply cannot make another feel secure, it has to come from within!!! It's just like love,, you cannot make another person love you, it has to come from within!! The harder you try to convince her that there is nothing to worry about, the more she will be convinced that there is,,, Trust me!! I know how women think!!

Sounds like she's already made up her mind anyways, so basically you are SOL,,, She'll get over it, or she won't.
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Old 08-16-2008, 09:11 PM
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Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone insecure? I know I wouldn't.
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Old 08-17-2008, 01:30 AM
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You should feel lucky she even cares so much, many other people's wifes could care less what they do or who they are around and it showed after deployments when divorces occured left and right. Someone is very fond of you and you should feel proud, not disappointed or confused over the situation. A woman in love with her guy is going to feel like he is her property and will rightfully defend it any way she can.

Think about it, she could not give a damn about anything you do or who you are around, how would you feel then?
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Old 08-17-2008, 02:31 AM
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There are four forms of fidelity:

1) Fidelity of the body - obvious - you keep your hands and body parts to yourself.

2) Fidelity of the heart - There is only one woman that occupies "that place" in your heart; you have no unresolved feelings or yearnings for any other.

3) Fidelity of the mind - Our thoughts are cented on our loved ones. Dreaming of someone else, or excessive dreaming of something else is infidelity of the mind. We are focussed on our mate. It becomes unconsciously reflected in our manner and our actions in sublte ways that communicate whether our thoughts are primarily of our life with our chosen one, or if we are mentally elsewhere too often.

4) Fidelity of Appearance - This form of fidelity has taken a serious beating in modern society. It is based on this: It is perfectly human, normal, natural, and even healthy, for a person to feel uncomforatble, insecure, or worried by unduly compromising situations involving their loved one. It is also a sad fact that today about a third of both men and women will fall prey to their own human foibles and allow compromising situations to turn to outright infidelity of the heart and/or body.

The modern approach has been to cry "You must trust me!!". But that is an intellectually dishonest attempt to deny the reality of human nature. If we truly love someone, we choose to avoid putting our loved one through that. We avoid situations that could reasonably be expected to cause them fear and doubt.

We also leave no doubt, no opportunity for anyone else to get the wrong idea. Our manner, our management of situations, our conversation, our body language, trumpet to the world: "I am taken, and very happily so." Those who pretend to love someone but still seek the thrill of garnering outside interest, however innocently, are guilty of infidelity of appearance.
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Old 08-17-2008, 02:36 AM
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I don't want to belittle your fiancee, but to be quite truthful, that girl's got issues. She's not worried about you, what you're doing over there (thanks again, by the way), moreso than whether or not you're being faithful. Meanwhile, on the dating sites that I've seen, I can not tell you the number of wives and girlfriends that I've seen that are screwing around on their significant others while they're on deployment. If anyone should have even a marginal basis for being concerned about this stuff, it's you. By the way, the reason that I'm not mentioning the number of males cheating on their significant others on deployment, is because I tend not to read the ads posted by men...I'm sure they're every bit as screwed up...so, for those of you about to hit me with the gender bias, or sexist mark, save it.

My advice? Make up your mind about whether or not she can move past this little girl insecurity crap, or mark my words, she will end up owning half your stuff in the divorce. It just smells like a statistic waiting to happen.

Now, just as a disclaimer, if you happen to be screwing around on her while you're over there, and she's got even the slightest basis for her concerns, then you deserve a kiwi enema, just like anyone would for having done so...I'm not saying anyone has done anything, but just covering the angles.
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Old 08-17-2008, 05:18 AM
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Thank you everyone for the replies.

To try and clear things up a little...I am not cheating on her, nor would I ever. On the flip side, I truely believe in my heart and my gut that she has not cheated and will not. Ive had many girlfriends cheat on me and she doesnt give that vibe off.

Thankfully, she does not have friends that tell her stupid things to make her think bad thoughts. She has one good friend that she talks to (that knows both of us very well) who actually is trying to help her get over this problem. Tells her that I would never do that and that she should not worry.

Ending it right now is not an option for me, because I do love her, and I know who she can be. She has been working hard on her insecurities and admits that she has a problem with them, and wants to fix them.

I guess what I was trying to look for advice on is if there is anything that I can do to help her overcome this.

I know who she really is, and I know how she can really be. She has a problem with getting stressed out at home or with something else and taking it out on me (and has admitted this to her friend and me). She is willing to go to counseling, but doesnt want to go alone (I can understand that). So we may go when I get home. I dont want to tell her on the phone every day that I am not cheating on her, I shouldnt have to I dont think. But I do want to help her overcome this.
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Old 08-17-2008, 05:18 AM
 
 
 
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