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Well now fellers it's been a spell since I had time to write. Today is "Twaddle-Around-Sunday" so I got a few spare minutes. On to the story!! Went fishing with my 5yr. old grandson Bryce Logan t'other weekend and we had a right-smart good time! Fishing with a 5yr. old is an experience lemme tell you. Apparently the number of fish ye might catch is directly related to how many times per minute ya cast the bait. We flailed that water to a froth! He actually did tie into a nice bass and promply lost it when he went running up the bank in an effort to bring it in. But now lets git to the real meat of this story. Whilst young Bryce and I was sittin' there, we talked, as we always do, about many of the things Grandfathers and Grandsons talk about. One of the topics he brought up right after my "All wimminfolks are evil" lecture was the fact that he had...in fact...kissed the 5yr. old neighbor girl last weekend! ARRRGHHH! Folks...I've warned him about such transgressions since before he could even walk. Apparently to deef ears I might add! Right away I went into a long di-rect explanation of "This is why ya don't never do that Bryce Logan!" Part 2 to come of course. Audie..the Oldfart...
Well folks...me and Bryce ayre sitting down by the crick and he confided in me that he had kissed the neighbor gal...(on the cheek mind ye!)..thru the fence..last week. Mind ye....I was instantly on my feet and launched into a long explanation of "The Birds&The Bees" to this young sprite! "Bryce Logan!"...I hollered..."Ye don't never do that!" "First it's a kindly look..then a smile!".....I wheezed! "Then it's holdin' hands and the next thing ye know they want to "talk"...an if theres something wimminfolks do it's talk...and talk. and talk!"...I preached. "And Bryce Logan...talkin' leads to kissin' and next thing ye know yer gammahooched!"...I bellowed! (he knows what gammahooched is...in a fix...in a jam...a helluva mess..up-a-crick) "THEN!"...I pontificated....."The stork shows up and ye'll spend the next 100yrs. raising some little brats instead of going fishing and hunting!!!" Well folks, Bryce looked at me with wondering eyes and softly asked..."Pappy..what's a stork?" Ahhh yes...Page 3 is coming! Audie..the longwinded Oldfart...
Well now folks this story is gittin' a mite long in the tooth but bear with me I'll git to the end soon enough. See Bryce had no concept of what a stork is. He can call in ducks, geese, turkeys and knows what an elk bugle sounds like. He kin identify rabbit tracks/squirrel tracks/possums and many other critters. Yup...I taught him well! Anyways..there I am down by the crick standing on 1 leg...holding my arms out as far as I kin reach to give him a graphic idea of what a stork looks like. "Got a long beak and a long skinny neck and thin legs and..."......and that's just about as far as I got before we heard the whisteling of wings and lo' an' beholt....a Great Blue Heron folded it's mighty wings and landed right in front of us!! Now mind ye folks..we got a couple local resident herons here. Most of the time ye couldn't git within' 100yds. of them before they skee-daddle in a flurry of wings and loud croaking sounds!! Not this day! This bird plopped right down in front of Bryce! I looked at Bryce... an he looked at me.... an I seen a tears welling up in his wide open eyes. His lower lip was pokin' out and in a trembling voice he whispered..."Pappy....I'm gwannyhooched!....I'll be 'waising them widdle bwats till I'm 105 years old!" And then he let out with a most awful cry! Well I swept him up in my arms and told him.."You got lucky this time..now don't make the same mistake ever agin'!" Thank goodness he's got his Pappy to look out fer him and advise him...eh! And that, as Paul Harvey says..is the rest of the story. Audie..the Oldfart...
Audie, yer runnin up my internet time - can't stop laughin ...dang! I,m gwannyhooched! Cut it out ......or tell some more stories - I've got 14 grand kids and I need the advice.
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