The Husband Store
> >
> >
> > A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-
> >
> > 'You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
> >
> > So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
> >
> >
> >
> > On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
> > Floor 1 -
> > These men have jobs.
> >
> > The 2nd floor sign reads:
> > Floor 2
> > These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
> >
> > The 3rd floor sign reads:
> > Floor 3 -
> > These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
> >
> > 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
> >
> > She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
> > Floor 4 -
> > These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
> >
> > 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
> >
> > Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
> > Floor 5 -
> > These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 6 -
> > You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store
> > .
> >
> >
> > To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a
> > New Wives store just across the street.
> >
> > The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
> >
> > The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
> >
> > The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

 

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Those new Fords have it all!
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion
> >>> into a gas station in a remote out port. The gas station attendant,
> >>> obviously
> >>> knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner
> >>> completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'How's she cuttin' bye?' says the attendant.
> >>>
> >>> Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
> >>>
> >>> As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the
> >>> ground.
> >>>
> >>> 'What are dose?' asks the attendant.
> >>>
> >>> 'They're called tees' replies Tiger.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'Well, what on God's earth are dey for?' inquires the attendant.
> >>>
> >>> 'They're for resting my ***** on when I'm driving', says Tiger...
> >>>
> >>> 'Fookin Jaysus', says the Newfoundlander, 'Ford tinks of everyting!'


Putting Your Affairs In Order

A woman went to her doctor.



The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news.

You have inoperable cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'


The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.



'Well, Daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate

when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's

head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber There were some

laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the

woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've
been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast and gave the woman their
condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone.'


That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order......'

 

I like that Tiger Woods one.LOL.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

***

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

 

Ok First, Tiger Woods is SPONSORED by GENERAL MOTORS, BUICK DIVISION there for he does NOT drive a FORD.

Second, Mike Weir Drives a FORD F350 King Ranch or at least at the last Surrey Open he showed up driving one...

 

Tech Support Request

• Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
  
  
  
  Frequently use Communicator 5.0
  
  
  
  
  
  

 

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a Double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!'






Farmer and the Cow A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, 'Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole. I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too. As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt. As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!



' The moral of the story' .. John

Subject: Fw: The Newfie Sailor(not for kids)




Newfie goes down to the Grand Bank wharf looking for work and comes up to this captain of a fishing boat and says, 'Hey Capt'n got any work fer me?'

The captain gives him a 28 page job application and says 'Fill this out and bring it back to me'.

So two days later the Newfie brings it back and gives it to the captain.

The captain takes a quick look at it and says 'OK, you're hired,now go on board and find something to do.'

Just then, this Japanese guy comes up to the captain and says, 'Lookie wok, need wok.'

The captain tells him 'OK you're hired.'

The Newfie is standing right there and asks the captain 'Hey, you made me fill out a 28 page job application and you just hired this guy like that, Why?

Captain replies 'He's got an honest face'

The Newfie sighs and walks onto the boat, right upset.

A few days later, they're out to sea and the Newfie is up in the crow's nest looking for icebergs and the Japanese guy is down on the deck mopping the deck. Just then, this great big wave comes along and washes the Japanese guy overboard.

The Newfie gets down out of the crow's nest and walks into the captain's office and tells him 'Remember that Japanese guy you hired with the honest face?

Well, he just fu**ed off with your mop!'

 

ok, this is pretty bad. My name for an entire page...

 

Eddie wanted desperately to have
> > sex with this really cute,
> > really hot girl in his
> > office...but she was dating
> > someone else.
> >
> > One day Eddie got so frustrated
> > that he went to her and said,
> > 'I'll give you a $100 if you let
> > me have sex with you..'
> >
> > The girl looked at him, then
> > said, 'NO'.
> >
> > Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast.
> > I'll throw the money on the
> > floor, you bend down, and I'll
> > finish by the time you've picked
> > it up.'
> >
> > She thought for a moment and
> > said that she would consult with
> > her boyfriend...so she called
> > him and explained the situation.
> >
> > Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for
> > $200, pick up the money really
> > fast. He won't even be able to
> > get his pants down.'
> >
> > She agreed and accepts the
> > proposal.
> >
> > Over half an hour goes by and
> > the boyfriend is still waiting
> > for his girlfriend's call.
> > Finally, after 45 minutes the
> > boyfriend calls and asks what
> > happened...?
> >
> > Still breathing hard, she
> > managed to reply, 'He had all
> > quarters!'

Don't Leave 'Em Hanging Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

>>>Subject: Best answer I've heard in ages.
>
> A husband emerged from the bathroom
>>>naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual,'' l
>>>have a headache'' ''Perfect'', her husband said.... '' l was just in the
>>>bathroom powdering my ***** with aspirin.. You can take it orally, or as
>>>a suppository,...it's up to you.''

 

Some of you might know this one, <<Coubegh >> Couonegh>> or <Couknowgh>>

<<Couonegh>>>

The definition of a SMART A$$?

Someone that can sit on a pail of ice cream and be able to tell you the flavor!

 

How do you think you got the name Post Wh0re

 

Men are like...


1. Men are like ...Laxatives..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like ...Bananas....... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ...Weather...... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ...Blenders....... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars.... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for our hips.

6. Men are like ...Commercials....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ....Department Stores..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ...Government Bonds.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ...Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ....Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while
.
11. Men are like ...Snowstorms.... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ...Lava Lamps.... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ...Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

Why are women like snow flakes??
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can all be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face......

 

Those new Fords have it all!



On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion
into a gas station in a remote out port. The gas station attendant,
obviously
knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner
completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.


"How's she cuttin' bye?" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the
ground.

"What are dose?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my ***** on when I'm driving", says Tiger...

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"